[well people could consider you creepy too, buddy, and he still likes hanging out with you. What makes you think a generic 'kinda creepy' will deter him.]
[Okay. Well... a few minutes later, there was Eiji - scanning the floor out of habit to make sure no one was there to see him come into Room 017, before inviting himself in. He closed the door behind him and stood there for a moment, awkwardly.
From his silence, it was clear that he had no idea how to begin this conversation.]
[Emi, at the very least, didn't seem to have any intentions of making it more awkward than it had to be. He sat up from his spot on his futon when Eiji shut the door, lifting his hand casually in greeting.]
[Look he was. Working himself up to that bit. With an almost uncharacteristic bashfulness to his air, Eiji lifted his head up slightly to look at Emi. Though the gaze didn't last long before it fell away elsewhere.]
[The blonde shrugged a bit, even if Eiji wasn't looking to see.]
S'fine.
[He scooted over to the edge of the futon, in case Eiji wanted somewhere to sit, but he wouldn't have been surprised if the other boy decided to stay over there the whole time.]
[Yeah he was. Going to stay standing here for a bit. Eiji still felt too twisted up inside to relax, and the tiredness wasn't doing him any favours either. It felt like a battle to get any words out of his mouth at all.]
I know. ['And I take that for granted.']
It's not fair to you that I'm... ['like this.' Eiji bit his lower lip.] --that I said we shouldn't be friends here.
[The words came out too quickly, a reaction blurted out before Eiji could catch up with it. There was a pause as he stumbled, trying to make sense of his own impulses.]
You're... the one person I have to keep safe. And I don't know what that means. I've never cared about anything else like that, and that... scares me, a little.
I thought you'd be safer if you weren't associated with me, but I don't even know if that's true anymore. It might not even matter. If that's the case, then...
[Oh. Well. The words swept over him like a wave and filled him up with a confusing emotion he couldn't quite identify. Something surprised, a little bit scared, but... Something undeniably fond.
Oh, Eiji. If only he'd known.
No longer content to sit, Emi was up and across the room in moments, carefully watching Eiji's face with bright eyes froma few steps away.]
I won't break so easy, y'know. I'm supposed to be keeping you safe.
... So we don't... Have to keep pretending, if you don't want to.
Edited (Was that even the word i was going for sure) 2016-09-04 09:10 (UTC)
[Eiji knotted his fingers together in anxious thought. In one way or another, pretending was all he'd done for years, maybe even all his life. Lies came as easily to him as the answers on a flash card, whether it was in the form of repeating socially acceptable answers, or false reassurances masking true thoughts.
He felt scared and inadequate and powerless, a little sick with the idea of opening himself up to be so vulnerable. Even hating the idea that he had such an Achilles' Heel somewhere in his heart just a little. But he swallowed it all down, packaged it in the form of a fumbling, unpracticed response that gave the air that he was willing to hope - even if in truth, he was far from happy.]
[And he wanted to believe that. He well and truly did, but there was the nagging feeling that this was too simple. Something wasn't lining up, which seemed to be the defining feature of their friendship at Koriko so far.
It would have been so easy to let his hopes up if his throat didn't still itch a little from the other morning. Especially if that was... God if that had actually been Eiji... Emi felt the height of his cheeks burning slightly and he lowered his eyes.]
[There was a slight pause before Eiji looked up, more certainty in his dark red eyes now.]
No, it's not enough.
[It wasn't enough, and it wouldn't ever be enough until they both got their wishes granted. That was what he was determined of. There was no point in simply accepting their current situation as indentured servants to be ideal when they still had something greater to work towards. Eiji had to keep his eye on the prize.]
If pretending doesn't serve a purpose, then it's wasted effort. And besides, I...
[Well he couldn't argue with that, could he? Emi let out a light huff, almost a laugh.]
... Well. That'd be good then. You kind of look like shit.
[Just to be frank and all. He hated to think that part of that was his fault, but all they could do was move forward from it. Move forward and... Hope for the best? Something like that. The only thing Emi was super sure of was that tiny, persistent warmth had sprung back up behind his ribs, alight with a tentative hope.
I want to
The thought didn't finish before Emi was crossing the steps between them and wrapping his arms loosely around the other boy in one (admittedly unpracticed) motion.]
[If Emi was unpracticed, then Eiji was completely uninitiated. He froze awkwardly when the hug encircled him, forgetting even to breathe for a moment.
Deep in the pit of his heart, he wanted to recoil at the sudden gesture. It was new and different and intimate and it made him uncertain of what to do or say. Despite being a near universal display of care, there was nothing about it that felt comforting at all to him - just strange.
But he didn't recoil. He forced himself to breathe again. For Emi. Lamely, Eiji lowered his head to rest it on the other boy's shoulder. Was he ever going to not feel tired?]
[Emi shut his eyes, lightly letting his head rest against his friend's. (He got to think that now, he realized. That was nice.)
He hadn't needed an apology. Never expected one, never thought he was ever owed one. He hadn't thought the conversation was about this when he suggested it. Even if it had hurt, he had believed he had already forgiven him long ago. He had, really. And yet...
There was a sense of calm that came with it, as if he had found something that had been lost. A kind of validation he hadn’t realized he might have needed because he’d never thought to look for it.
[A small sigh escaped Eiji as his shoulders relaxed against Emi's arms. Even if he wouldn't admit it out loud, he did feel... a little better. The guilt was slowly starting to fade like an old memory, just like Emi said it would. It didn't completely get rid of the tightness in his chest or the swarm of uncertainty buzzing around him, but at least for this one moment, he felt content.
Feeling fatigue catching up to him, Eiji's eyes began to droop. With an obviously sleepy murmur, he began to pull away.]
[A small smile was waiting for him, and Emi slid his hands to Eiji's shoulders in a steadying. When was the last time he had gotten a good amount of sleep..? He really did look kind of awful.]
Nah. I'll take them, but I really don't need any.
[He didn't really think he'd done all that much. Giving Eiji's shoulders a little squeeze, Emi nodded his head towards his futon which was still all laid out and looking oh-so-inviting.]
[It'd be fine, he was pretty sure. Nothing that caffeine wouldn't fix. He still had things he needed to do today, and taking a nap right now would just throw him off.]
[Emi gave him a little bit of a wary look, but he nodded and gave the boy's shoulders a little pat before letting them go.]
Sounds like a plan.
[Which meant... Eiji was free to go. He wasn't sure if there was anything else that the demi-human had wanted to talk about himself. There was something that was still bugging Emi, but maybe it wasn't the time to ask about it. They were ending this on a good note, but...]
[Eiji had already started turning to leave, but he stopped when Emi spoke up again. What was this now? He thought he'd said everything he needed to already.]
[The question was no longer about if Eiji had been in his dream. That much seemed certain now. But the end... The end didn't make sense. Emi's brow furrowed slightly as the new question formed on his tongue, trying to take shape.
Except, ah. That.. Probably had to do with whatever Eiji hadn't wanted to talk about. That was out then. But he'd spoken up so...!
So Emi gave an awkward shuffle of his feet instead, looking uncharacteristically shy for someone that was usually so straightforward and impulsive in his actions.]
[The pause perplexed Eiji, but when Emi spoke up with such a simple request, the demi-human couldn't help but blink. Ah... He rubbed his eyes, obviously too tired to object.]
Uh... sure.
[He turned to go without much else fanfare, trusting Emi to follow.]
[The extent of which Emi brightened up when given a 'yes' was probably borderline embarrassing. The smile his mouth formed was still small, the majority of it lighting up his eyes.]
Cool.
[He was quick on Emi's heels, pausing just long enough to make sure his room was shut properly. He wasn't going to let this chance slip past- but, oh, they probably... Didn't really need to be chances anymore. It wasn't a chance, it was just a regular thing.
Falling into step next to someone was just something that people got to DO. Huh. Even if he was still going to keep that dream bit in the back of his head, this was… Nice. (and now he had the chance to make sure eiji didn’t pass out on the way.)]
[Off to the employees-only kitchen, then. It was an odd hour of the day - too late for lunch but too early for dinner, so the place was mostly quiet. But hey, that meant no line ups, so that was a plus.
The demi-human stepped up to the counter and ordered from the lesser spirit in the kitchen.]
One coffee with cream.
[Sure, it wasn't fancy magic coffee like Selenite's. The spirits were mostly kind of mindless and their food was slapdash as a result, but it did the trick. He looked over at Emi, unsure whether he'd be ordering something too. Either way, they'd be waiting there a few minutes - though he wasn't sure what to say to pass the time while they were there.]
[We couldn't all have fancy Selente coffee. That was just a recipe for being spoiled rotten by the finest of arabica beans. Luckily, coffee was coffee to Emi and he couldn't tell much difference between it besides "that one's got a lot of sugar in it" and "that one doesn't."
He slid up to the counter after Eiji with a nod.]
Hi, could I get a coffee too? One sugar, thanks.
[Down to scoot next to Eiji, leaning up against the counter as they waited. He was more than content for companionable silences, but he supposed there was something else that could be addressed. He didn't quite look at Eiji when he spoke up, lightly tapping a finger.]
[He would've asked Emi why he bothered, but he could put together a theory. If he corresponded to Eiji with a different handwriting on the bulletin board, then no one would be able to link them together. He had to at least appreciate the consideration Emi had put into the act.]
[Eiji couldn't help but be at least a little amused by how proud of himself Emi seemed to be. Ah, he deserved some credit. The corners of his lips curled in a small, private smile.]
[Eiji's smile faded quickly at that last part, becoming a distant look of contemplation. It was the look of someone with secrets. If Emi knew...
It was with an ache in his chest that Eiji realized he didn't want to see those gold eyes well up with tears again. (He wished he had that coffee already just so he could occupy his hands. Instead, he crossed his arms.)
[That was obvious enough. He already knew there was a lot he was missing, and it wasn't hard to guess that it hadn't been a long walk in the park. Those last few images of his nightare floated back through his mind, but Emi did his best to keep his gaze steady on the Eiji that was safe and whole in front of him.]
I don't think anyone does about anyone. But I don't have to like everything to like you.
[At that point there were two soft clinks as mugs of coffee were placed down on the counter near them. Ah, bitter distractions.]
[As reassuring as that was, none of it changed the fact that Eiji couldn't stand the idea of Emi's face twisted up in pain and grief again. Watching his heart break because of a cold, uncaring demi-human who couldn't die if he tried... it was a waste. He didn't deserve those tears, and he couldn't understand them either.
Trying to push that eventuality from his mind, Eiji hurriedly picked up his cup of coffee and took a sip from it, despite it being scaldingly hot right now. All it got him was a wince as he burnt the tip of his tongue.]
[Emi had been approaching his cup at a more leisurely pace, now paused with it cupped in front of his face. He had been about to blow across the hot liquid, but he stared across it at Eiji instead with a concerned cock of a brow.
Quietly, he tucked it away into his 'things to observe' file. Detail: hasty when he doesn't want to deal with something.]
[Eiji had degenerated into grumpy muttering now, blowing on his coffee like it had just betrayed his fragile trust.
Mouth pain. Mouth pain was still one of his least favourite pains.
But as he stared into his cup, the demi-human echoed the words again under his breath - this time, directed to himself. If he repeated it enough times, maybe that would make it true.]
[The attempts at soup had gotten better. Eiji would admit, his first go at it was basically hot flavoured water. But after a couple more tries, he ended up getting a decent broth out of his pork bones, even added a vegetable or two. He even managed to get a medicinal root that some patron had gifted him with - something about being indebted to him for saving them? He definitely did not remember ever doing this.
And as with all the soups, he brought it back to his dorm and placed a bowl at the head of Emi's futon. If the sound of Eiji entering the room didn't stir the blond, then him sitting at the edge of his mattress would. Either way, the demi-human made no sound - casting a careful eye over his friend's condition in silence.]
[His friend had dozed off again, which was the most common occurrence that week. He alternated between light naps and deep slumbers, his body seemingly intent on catching up on a month's worth of rest. But even if the amount of sleep may have been worrying, at least they could say his color had gotten better. Still a bit on the sick side of pale, but no where near the deathly pale he'd been just a few days prior. The ugliest of his bruises would linger for a few days more, and the bandages carefully wrapped around his abrasions could likely come off within the day.
He still looked several shades of rough, but he was undeniably on the mend.
Emi only stirred when the futon shifted, sleepily turning his head towards the demi-human. When he registered that it was Eiji (it was always Eiji), his sleep-rough voice murmured a quiet:]
[Eiji's gaze pulled away immediately when he felt Emi turn towards him. The bruising around his throat had turned an ugly, mottled purple hue - they were getting better, but the sight of them still made the demi-human feel slightly sick inside.
Remember, anything that happened to him at Koriko was Eiji's fault. Emi stayed for him, he was the only reason the blond was even in a position to get hurt so badly. He caused the loneliness that made Emi so attractive to the tsubaki spirit. His attachment to Emi made him a target for his shadow.
He was the reason Emi went to prison. He was the reason Emi's bike got crashed into a ravine. He was the reason Emi got wailed on by thugs with a baseball bat.
All of it added up to what felt like an undeniable truth. No amount of rationalizing could make it go away.
Eiji drew his knees towards his chest and folded his arms across them, kneading his fingers in restless anxiety. Voice dull, he stared at the floor and muttered the obvious:]
[He didn't do anything about it quite yet, watching Eiji for a moment from under heavy eyelids. (When would they stop feeling so heavy? He was already sick of being so tired.) While he was undeniably glad to see the demi-human at his side, he didn't like the way he was drawing in to himself. That wasn't new of course, but there was something. More.
Well. He could understand. Reverse the scenario and he would have been beside himself.
The only thing to do then was to get better faster and appreciate what Eiji had been doing for him. Forcing himself to be a bit more awake, the blonde slowly but surely eased himself up into a sitting position, wincing only the tiniest bit as he did so.]
[Eiji made no effort to move, keeping his eyes fixed on a whole lot of nothing. As usual, he had the spaced out look that always took over when too many things were going through his head at once. At least he wasn't so lost in thought that he completely stopped responding.]
[What did Emi think he was doing in the several hours he spent after work before coming back to the dorm? Though to be fair, he was probably asleep the whole time...
But Eiji didn't want to hear any trite compliments for his middling skills. Objectively, he knew they were mediocre, despite his attempts at improving. He just wanted to be realistic.]
They're not the best, but I think I'm getting better.
[The answer was definitely sleeping. He had already completely lost track of what hour or day it was, marking time only by when Eiji was There and when he was Not.
He greatly preferred the times he was There.
Emi took great care in picking up the bowl of soup, cradling the warmth in his hands. Eiji had taken the time to make this specifically for him. All the other ones too, he reminded himself as he bit his lip. That was. He was touched, and he felt warmer than he had in days.
He took a careful sip, the pink rising to his cheeks clearly just a side effect from the warming brew.]
I think the flavour got better once I started using a mix of leftover pork scraps, tendon and bone. I don't think that medically, drinking pork bone soup gives any greater benefit than any other kind of broth. There's certainly a widespread belief that ingesting nutrients directly from the bone will help immunize and strengthen your own body, but it doesn't have backing with actual science. It could largely be a placebo effect - though placebos on their own can actually be quite effective. Still, it should help reduce inflammation a little, and it's easy to digest - not to mention cheap to make.
[It was easier for Eiji to rattle off facts about soup than it was to actually confront what he was feeling. At least it kept him talking.]
[Yeah, he liked him talking. Emi listened as he sipped at his soup, though he wouldn't be able to say he was really absorbing any of the information. He was paying more attention to what Eiji's voice sounded like, letting it be a comforting murmur of sound.
He smiled a bit around the bowl, sounding amused.]
ohh, now I know. [Sip.] The ginger's real nice this time too.
[In case he wanted to ramble on about the health benefits of ginger. Emi would prefer that to letting himself start to think about how Eiji had yet to look at him this whole time.
[Eiji nodded.] There's a ginseng root I got from the medicinal shop near work. The lady said it was a thank you present. I figured since ginseng's supposed to improve the immune system...
[He trailed off as the slow realization set in. Ah... It hadn't been a present for anything he had done during the chaos - it was something his shadow did. And now this was supposed to be helping Emi, huh.
What a joke. And to think, this was the best he could do for his only friend. Eiji went quiet again, mulling on the irony.]
[Emi watched as his friend folded back in on himself, feeling that low familiar thrum of frustration start to kick in. Something was clearly weighing the demi-human down hard, and he didn't know what it was. Except that was mostly a lie, wasn't it?
He was weighing the other boy down. This was weighing him down. All of this- the injuries, the stupid flower petals, all this sleep he couldn't escape yet. All because he'd been, what? Distracted? Led on? Fuck, he didn't know.
Even if he suddenly wasn't feeling that hungry, Emi made himself finish off the bowl before he set it aside, eyeing Eiji's side.]
[Eiji suddenly sounded very small, and very tired. He was unconvinced - logically there was no way anyone would be happy with a friendship like this - and yet the idea of hearing a truthful answer still made him nervous.
Guiltily, he let himself peer back over at the battered blond from the corner of his eyes - as though trying to look at him from his periphery would somehow shield his vision from the worst of the bruising. But even that only lasted a moment before he squeezed his eyes shut again.]
Like this? Not so much. I could do without falling asleep on you every twenty minutes. Real tired of that.
[Like he couldn't lie, this actually sucked a lot. But he knew that wasn't what Eiji was actually getting at. It went past this. Emi frowned a little, looking down at his lap. There were no hands to hold, but he reached out to gingerly hook his fingers into the hem of Eiji's shirt both for want of contact and not wanting Eiji to move any farther away than he already had emotionally.]
But I am happy being here with you. You're my best friend, why wouldn't I be? Even with stuff like this, you're... I don't think anyone else would have been able to find me.
You wouldn't have been in that position at all if it weren't for me.
[There it was. The thing that was obviously gnawing on his mind for the past several days. Eiji sighed, a little annoyed at himself for fixating on something that he fundamentally could no longer change - at least, not without doing more damage.
Emi didn't hate him. He should've hated him, and in all honestly it would've been kinder to the blond if he did. At least then he could move on and make a better life for himself, make better friends.
If only he had any sense in that head of his.
When Eiji said he wanted to be friends again, he hadn't wanted this. To be weighed down with more guilt than before. To see Emi tortured within an inch of his life.]
...I keep hurting you, Emi. [That was an immutable fact.]
[Eiji snapped back in equal measure.] I can't keep believing that this consistent pattern of events is because of chance and human error.
[Because if there wasn't a cause, then that meant he really was helpless to do anything about it - and Eiji simply couldn't accept that. There had to be something he could do, something tangible and practical and within his grasp. If he didn't have that as a possibility, then what good was he?
Eiji's hands bunched up into fists, tightly clutching the sleeves of his uniform.]
I have to be able to do something about it, Emi. If anything happened to you, I'd...
[The words caught in his throat, but it was clear what he felt. Eiji would be devastated.]
[Emi froze, lips parting in silent surprise. Not so much because of the sentiment, but because he knew exactly how it ended. He'd heard it before as soft hands burned his cheeks. There were no hands on his face this time, but it was burning all the same because the Eiji saying it now was as real as can be.
The blonde leaned over, letting go of his shirt to carefully resting his hand on Eiji's back, pressing his forehead against his shoulder. He swallowed, whispering back:]
... I know.
[He understood that helplessness all too well, being the normal guy that he was. Knowing that the only thing he had was to be there for Eiji, and yet this was all he gave him... It was frustrating and he hated that he was just doing the same thing to him.]
[Eiji's head drooped, despite his voice taking on a dull, dry cynicism.] You really thought I wouldn't?
[Honestly, that was harsh, but it wasn't undeserved. It was true that the demi-human had a track record for leaving Emi behind, but...
No. This had to stop. The other boy had done too much for him to deserve simply resigning himself to die. The demi-human sucked in a sharp breath, raised his head with a look of both worry and resolve in his eyes and forced his gaze onto Emi. His words were firm, insistent - reminiscent of the tone he reserved for telling people they were wrong.]
Don't be so stupid next time. You can't keep just... accepting that's okay. You're worth more than that. To me.
I trusted you'd know an obvious trap when you saw one, is all.
[He trusted that Eiji would have been safe. Because seeing a trap and going at it anyway was Emi's deal. His very stupid deal, because that's what he was, and he couldn't refute that.
But he raised his eyes to sternly meet Eiji's, ignoring the swell in his chest that accompanied his words, speaking back with just as much certainty.]
[NO. No, he still couldn't accept it. This was an emotional rejection of what was a completely pragmatic decision. Eiji wasn't wrong. And if he was getting heated in countering Emi, well, it definitely wasn't because he emotional too.]
It's not even remotely similar! You can't just discount completely different physical circumstances! Even if the Witch had the power to revive people, you could still get crippled for life. If there's an advantage to be gained by dying, then I'm the only one that can do it without consequence. Nothing that happens to me is permanent, anyway.
I can't possibly agree to take that off the table when we might need it.
[It was the bite back of someone that knew that there were advantages to it. It was obviously a factor that could be useful. He could shut up when it was the only thing they had left but he couldn't just let it happen because it seemed like a good idea.
He probably had no idea what it felt like, to watch the life fade from his eyes. To see the one thing that mattered most just. Crumble. Over and over.
To feel it happening.
Emi pressed his lips together in a thin line as his expression grew distant, guilt shadowing his eyes. He let his hand fall away from Eiji's back, bracing himself on the futon.]
I felt it, you know. When you bled out.
[He took an uneasy breath, not quite looking at Eiji anymore.]
Every drop. The tree soaked it up so I... I couldn't stop it. It just took and took. I was everywhere so that's all I could feel. Just you slowly dying all around me and I couldn't... I could feel how cold you were getting because it was...
[Giving him part of the life it was stealing from Eiji. So was he the one killing him?]
I was taking it. From you. It was disgusting and I couldn't stop it.
[It was true, Eiji had never watched a death of close friend so intimately. He'd watched a puppy fade and die before its time, but that was years ago, back when the idea of death truly solidified itself in his mind as a concept. He'd seen the gradual process of wasting away of familiar faces at the hospital, or sometimes the suddenness of an empty bed. The solemnness that accompanied a lost patient.
But on that first night, at the bottom of the ravine, when he first looked over and saw Emi's unmoving body... It felt like getting hit by a truck all over again. Desperation, pleading, guilt, anger - overwhelming even thoughts about his own safety. The pain was so wrenching, he knew he never wanted to feel it again. He couldn't let Emi die. That was why...
Eiji pulled his face away, again bundled in his little ball of thoughts. Was all pain equal? Could he really claim that he didn't want to cause Emi harm while still pursuing a path that knowingly hurt him? There were a thousand ways Eiji could justify his actions for the greater good, but none of them erased the fact that they continued to traumatize Emi.
And besides, the other boy had a point - in most instances, resetting didn't have to be a first resort, even if it was the most straightforward one. It was still a bad idea to die in front of strangers, and immortality posed its own unique risks. If anything, Eiji's priority should've been to avoid situations where dying was needed to start with. Simply having a tool didn't mean he had to use it.
After a long, ruminating pause - most of it spent in angry-looking silence - Eiji finally relaxed his posture and let his legs stretch across the floor. His hands, now resting in his lap, were still anxiously entwined together, but at least he seemed calmer. When he spoke, it was in a low murmur.]
[With a sigh, Emi let his head droop back down on Eiji's shoulder after the other boy relaxed a bit. Now he just felt emotionally exhausted on top of the physical exhaustion. He couldn't say that sharing that anecdote made him feel any better, but it... didn't make him feel worse either.]
S'not like you knew...
... I'm sorry I keep worrying you.
[He let his eyes shut, intending for just a moment.]
[It was everything else's, the world's. Society for casting them down as subhuman despite having done nothing wrong, driving them to desperation and turning a blind eye. Emi would've never been an outcast, and Eiji wouldn't have to be forced to constantly look over his shoulder, living in what would always feel like a fragile, ephemeral peace.
Eiji muttered under his breath, though out of care rather than spite,] Worry a little more about yourself, sometime.
[If not for himself, than because Eiji thought he was more than that. Because he was easy pickings to get under the ajin's skin, if Eiji's own plans against himself were anything to go by. He vaguely had to wonder what else he had said was true, but he pushed that out of mind... Or tried to.
He was somewhat starting to fall asleep on Eiji's shoulder.]
[After a few moments of continuing silence, Eiji noticed that the other boy's breathing had... slowed. Was he starting to doze off again? Eiji tried to turn his head to see, but at risk of moving too much and disrupting the blond, he couldn't move much.
With a small sigh, he muttered to Emi softly, trying to gauge if he'd hear and react.]
[The words filtered in and Emi thought he understood them for a moment, but that may have been too much to hope for with such a sleep addled brain. Even if he did understand, it was likely that this particular part of the conversation was going to be left behind here in the moment. Despite that, Emi shifted slightly. Eiji was warm. That was nice.]
The sunk cost fallacy is a product of our behavioral aversion to what is perceived as a unretriveable loss. The emotional investment we place on something, as a result, skews our decision-making process.
[Ah yes, an explanation that anyone was sure to sleep through. Eiji's voice at the volume of a low murmur certainly wasn't going to help keep Emi awake.]
[Emi had a certain weakness for Eiji's murmurings. He liked listening, even if the subject matter went over his head sometimes. This was one of those times, though that was more to do with his thoughts checking themselves in. Even still, this was pinging a small voice in his head that was telling him to listen past the murmurs that were so gently pulling him closer to sleep.]
The greater the investment, the harder it is to let go of something, even if ultimately the costs outweigh the benefits.
[From the way Eiji spoke, it was hard to tell if what he was describing was a good thing or a bad thing. It could've done either way. Rationally, it made no sense, and he knew it - but the truth was, people were equally ruled by the irrational. That was just as much a fact of life.]
[This was a good time to tell Eiji not to over think it, because he was clearly overthinking it.]
...
..... Mm...
[It was just unfortunate that Emi was just nuzzling a bit closer to Eiji's shoulder, fingers curled loosely in the hem of Eiji's shirt once more. His weight was becoming a presence as his breath drew deeper, slower. Sleep had crept up entirely, which made the conversation more of Eiji simply talking to himself out loud.]
With a small sigh, Eiji carefully shifted his body around so he could lower Emi back down to his bed, one arm around his back and the other cradling his head. Even if it felt like he'd accidentally shake the blond awake at any moment, he managed to gently lay him down.
Though... he wasn't entirely sure why, but Eiji lingered there for a moment longer, leaning over the other boy. There was so much about this picture that wasn't right - there was sno much he didn't have the power to fix. He hadn't meant for it to be this way.
Hesitant, urged only by the fact that Emi was unconscious, Eiji's hand hovered over Emi's face indecisively. It was a stupid little sentiment. Even considering it felt like a shameful secret. But this, at least, was one small, simple thing he could set right for the time being.
He let his fingers brush back Emi's frumpled, unstyled bedhead - just a little, and carefully, as not to irritate his injuries - until it resembled his old self a little more.
That done, Eiji rose up to collect the dishes, leaving Emi to his rest.]
[ well, he doesn't need to reply to that with paper, right? action speaks much louder. it's a good thing that his own work space has taken a hefty blow at this very moment, or else he'd be working. "come back tonight for deliveries, we're gonna be busy"; by then at least the kitchen would be fixed, so nishinoya complied and waited it out through fixing his things, watching but not touching a thing of kacchan's—
his name was still there, on a plate just under "raiden" outside the door.
it had him thinking about his new debts, and wondering if there was anything else he can work on to make it count— but for a brief moment this afternoon, he didn't mind a pause. it's been months since he's last seen emi, possibly an entire two seasons. had it been more? when he arrives at room 12, he gives a brief knock before sliding the door open, and peeking his head in.
not much has changed; perhaps he looks just a little bit taller if you squint, hair its natural dark brown with a cleanly bleached tuft of gold, spiked up— with simple gym shorts and a top that reads COURT TEMPEST, you can get a fairly clear idea of what he was doing before. even the muscles of his arms and legs seemed to have gained an extra tone to them, knuckles free from any previous wounds but fingers strapped with sports tape.
overall, he looks refreshed compared to how he had been just last week. now it just looks like the tables have turned. ]
Emi?
[ he takes the extra step in and beelines for the boy when he sees him, his messenger bag hauled over his shoulders. he brought some things with him, just in case. ]
[Oh, yes, how the tables have turned. Emi, for his part, had attempted to look... well, he attempted to look more awake by the time Noya showed up. Everything else was a lost cause because it looked like he had gotten hit by a bus. A bus with arms.
His hair was a fluffy mess on his head, having been unstyled for a few days now because what was the point? By now he was just a weird shade of pale rather then deathly, and the more minor of his cuts and bruises were mostly ebbed away. The most telling were still the ugly shades on his neck in nasty purples and greens, and the healing red rings around his wrists.
Yeah that was. Certainly some trouble he'd run in to.
He was sitting up kind of haphazardly on his futon when the libero buzzed in, and offered a tired raise of his hand.]
Hey...
[It looked like someone had had a nice vacation at least. That was good. Noya deserved one.]
[ the closer he got, the easier it was to see just how much "trouble" had been had, noya promptly kneeling in front of him with widened eyes and an already stretching arm to take the hand held up to greet him. he inspects, his own wrapped fingers light around the wrists, to turn it, looking up his arm and neck—
it's been months since he's seen emi, and after he gives a light huff, he allows his limb slink away from him. he didn't remember anyone during that time. no one. it hits a mark and makes him look down, and on another hand, glad to actually be back.
because he didn't want to forget. and during the rest of his stay, he'll make it all count. so, with a quiet chuckle, nishinoya shifts, reaches over so his arm encircles over emi's back, his opposite shoulder earning a firm pat, holding there while the shoulders between them get pushed together. ]
—I missed you, man. [ so— surprise number one, nishinoya grabs for his messenger bag, fiddling through it to take out a tied plastic bag, dumping from it an array of energy based snacks, protein bars, beef jerky . . . you name it, all in front of them. ] This'll bring some color to your face. You need to look good too, right? You're not gonna like that.
[ while honest, it's said lightheartedly. when he needed it, emi lifted him so— here he is, with some of that energy back to return it to a person in need of some. ]
[Emi kind of looked away as Noya did his thorough inspections, a bit embarrassed by the state of his everything. Normally he wouldn't have cared, he's had his shit kicked on the regular before. They were never badges of pride or anything like that, his previous injuries. They were just facts of what had happened. He never thought much of them because no one else did either. But he felt Noya's eyes on him just as intensely as he had felt the way Eiji would look at anything but him, and any red that was sneaking up his neck behind all his bruising was purely from shame.
But it was an entirely different weird feeling, to be missed. He was sure it had to have happened at least once, even if it was one of those unspoken things, but this was right there. Emi blinked at this amount of physical affection, blinked twice because it was just even weirder to be missed when he hadn't had a chance to even know Noya was gone.
God what day was it even.
But holy hell look at what the messenger of sports god had brought him. It was a convenience store buffet, all lined up for him. He muttered a quiet 'wow' in response, and then gave a short laugh.]
You're allowed to say I look like shit, man. But thanks.
[He reached out to thumb through the array of snacks.] Sorry I slept through your... entire trip? [THAT WAS SEVERAL MONTHS????]
Sorry for what? It's just been days here anyway. I'm the one that oughta say sorry for not being here for you.
[ the witch had picked quite the time for him to go. he pokes through the snacks, gives a quiet hum. maybe he was going to be less discreet, but affection had gotten the best of him. ]
You look like a crumbled up piece of paper instead of shit, but I'm going easy on you. [ he takes a stick of jerky and points it at him. take the holy wand of dried proteins. ] What've you been eating, soup?
[The other boy shook his head lightly, partly in amusement and partly because no, Emi was rather glad that Noya was not there for him. Too many people had already gotten involved in his idiocy for his liking, and who knew what else could have happened to him in Koriko?
He took the proffered food of the sporty gods and oh he could already smell the slight spiciness to it. Emi had to look around for any left behind soup bowls, but Eiji had always cleared them as quietly as he left them. Thus Noya got a confused stare.]
Uh, yeah? [Some of that shameful pink was creeping up his cheeks, but Emi pressed on fondly regardless.] My friend's been making some for me. [for him!!]
[ after a soft hm, nishinoya crosses his arms over his chest and straightens his back, slanted brows pressing his eyes to look emi up and down like a hawk.
smol crow uncle does not agree with your boyfriend's menu. ]
It's great that you've gotta friend taking care of you— [ a gesture to him! ] but if you just stick to soup you'll keep turning into a limp noodle! [ he lifts his arm enough to clap his hand against his bicep. ]
You need substance! Muscle for your muscles.
[ and with this, he's already opening some delicious jerky and handing it to him.
[Emi couldn't help chuckling at Noya's heartened appraisals. He was pretty sure the name of the game had just been making sure he didn't upchuck anything he was eating. (since the occasional flower still... happened. hrm.)
But he was feeling alright enough at the moment, so maybe a little piece of jerky wouldn't... hurt. Maybe if he just nibbled at it. It smelled really good though.
So he took a piece, attempting to be good and just. Nibble. As much as one could nibble on jerky.]
[ eiji, nishinoya murmurs as his arms shift back into a fold, brows scrunching in thought— but here comes the oh. ]
—No wonder it's soup, that guy's flimsy too! And I gave him coupons! [ with a click of his tongue against the roof of his mouth, he fishes for the remaining coupons that still existed there, and places them right by emi. now you have even more buy one meal, get one free at the boar's nest. ]
Here— And tell 'em to use it, you both need it. All you gotta do is send a fairy to them with an order and I'll deliver it. Deal?
[Well, obviously, if he had given him coupons. (And 'flimsy' was honestly pretty on the money.) Continuing his minuscule nibblings, Emi reached over to pluck up a coupon and give it a look.]
How much meat are we talking here? [Because it was obviously going to be meat. But how much.]
[ hands behind him to prop him up, he leans back, stretching his legs out, then using those hands to gesture in front of him more or less the size of a place mat. ]
Counting the side orders— Like rice and veggies. [ he gives a brief point to the coupon. ] With that, you get one free. I save what I can't eat and heat it all up later.
[Emi let out a soft 'ohhh,' which was applicable to pretty much the entire conversation thus far. A small smile crept to his face as he thought about Eiji helping the other boy out, assuming it probably had to do with too many buckets or something like that. Nice one, Eiji.
He nodded along with Noya's explanation, tucking the coupon away somewhere safe.]
That's smart. I'll see if my guts will cooperate with the jerky first and go from there. It'd probably make a nice "cool I don't feel like shit" celebration too, ha.
That's an everyday celebration! [ while he's at it-- he's going to open a jerky strip for himself. noya snaps larger bits of it and chews, almost speaking with his mouth open when he leans over. ]
[The blond slowly chewed on his nibble of jerky, expression going a bit solemn as he thought about where to even start.]
I think it was just for a day- but I don't even know what today is so who knows. A whole ton of spirits just went nuts. They were pissed and messing things up for everybody, not just us. Oh, but it was none of the spiders so don't... [Emi gave Noya a quick reassuring look, knowing where the other boy's thoughts might jump to, slightly shaking his head.] Didn't have anything to do with that.
So there was just.. a whole bunch of fighting and... [He trailed off a moment, rubbing the side of his neck in an uncharacteristically nervous gesture. He winced a little as he rubbed a touch too hard at his bruises, but it encouraged his words along.] There were weird clones or whatever of folks running around too, making trouble.
['Making trouble' made it sound so slight. Emi's face darkened, mouth pressed in a firm line as he clenched his teeth. God, he'd been an idiot.]
Ran into one of those. Then I guess I got kidnapped or whatever.
[ as emi begins, nishinoya's expression takes a dive from attentive curiosity to growing worry, chews beginning to slow as the story unfolds. before the other even mentions it, his mind wanders to the arachnid youkai that had torn more than necessary of him in shreds. his arms drop to his lap, fingers brushing against the held plastic wrapper of his jerky. the thought that it was her doing, after everything she took, everything she had managed to pull from him—
and then he left, and then this happened. it was almost too much of a coincidence for nishinoya to take with ease, and the weight of guilt on his shoulders that he had caused even more of a mess for everyone, for friends . . . it made his stomach flip.
even with emi quick to reassure him-- nishinoya's overall air remains the same. there might have been relief, but it hardly lasts with little reason to, anyway. he looks at emi, observes his state, listens to him word by word, his body language. if there was one thing that the libero was good at observing, it was how people acted, reacted. a second of silent body language caught could mean a turnover on the court. he spent most of his entire athletic life on observation, even if he seemed more like a rowdy noisemaker (one would say otherwise when they truly see nishinoya in focus).
he decides: what was there to feel relieved about? only the fact that emi was alive and well perhaps, but other than that, there's no extra reason for relief. things still happened. emi still had gone through a hell all the same. he wasn't so interested in finishing that jerky anymore, and thus he swallows what he had in his mouth, forcing it down while placing the rest in his messenger bag, and pulls his legs in, until his knees cross.
he allows a few moments of silence before he speaks up, but not too much of that quiet stretches. ]
I'm just glad there was someone to get you out. [ he pulls his legs up now, to his chest. ] Your friend, too?
[Emi couldn't fault him for looking like he was worried anyway. He knew how that went, finding out about shit long after anything could be done. It didn't matter how badly you would have wanted to help, things had already kept moving forward. All that was left was to move with them, but that didn't change the hurt that would creep into your heart.]
Yeah...
[Thoughts drifting back to Eiji (and Chou, too), Emi's glowering expression softened considerably with immeasurable fondness. No one had had to show up, but they had. And if there were anyone that would have been able to find him amongst all those blossoms... He would. He did. Emi almost smiled a bit, the notion flickering on his lips before settling into something that was just calm.]
It was a tsubaki spirit. She thought we'd be good companions, so she tried to make me part of her tree. [He gave a vague shrug, not really specifying why she would have thought that was a good idea. Honestly, she hadn't been that terrible once he'd stop putting up a fight and let her talk.] Eiji found me though, before she finished, even though he... Well. Doesn't matter. He found me.
So I've just been sleeping for forever and puking flowers sometimes. It's. Definitely a way to pass the time.
[ even though he . . . catches nishinoya's attention enough that his eyes flicker over to emi as soon as it's said. he's still around, that much he can deduce, and only coming up with the possibility that he ended up hurt, too.
it makes nishinoya think back, way back, when the snaps of webs and bursts of fire filled his ears, his vision an ugly blur but the remainder of his functioning senses still capturing the sensation of the other boy holding him, hauling him to safety. his shoulders slump at the reminder, and solemn he seems as his head tips forward to look at the snacks he's scattered across the floor. the way emi talks of eiji— the tempted quirk of lips that show at his mention— he misses kacchan. there isn't a single doubt that he does— it wasn't bad to be reminded, but to be honest . . . it wasn't completely good either.
with a hand dragging to fit right against emi's shoulder, he squeezes. ]
I don't need to tell you to take good care of what you got there, but. [ emi probably knows just how important it is, anyway, but— his lips quirk in a happy yet melancholic way. he'd be dumb not to be happy for emi being okay, and having more friends that care, too. ] Take good care of it.
[There were a lot of things that Emi wouldn't have wanted to remind Noya of, but it was somewhat inevitable at this point. Getting caught up with spirits and being saved by their precious friend was another thing to put on the list of similarities they probably didn't particularly want to have, but there they were. Emi couldn't change it any more than Noya could, but the difference was... Eiji was still there, and he was... more or less fine, physically speaking. Now if only Emi could control his face a little better, that'd be one less thing to further remind what Noya was missing.
... That was impossible though. He had yet to realize how much the other boy affected his expressions whether he was there or not. It just happened. It'd keep happening.
It was still happening, though now it was something somber as Noya squeezed his shoulder.]
Yeah. I am. ... As much as he'll let me.
[He wanted to say there was nothing to worry about, that Eiji was one of the most resilient people he knew. In many ways that was true, but it didn't stop Emi from worrying. It didn't stop it from hurting when things went wrong. Want to take care of him didn't mean anything when it was Emi causing the hurt.
Before he could start berating himself anymore, Emi gave a firm nod of his head and leaned over to lightly nudge the libero. The slight melancholy still lingered in Emi's eyes, but he figured it was time for lighter conversation for both their sakes.]
Whatever about my hot mess though, tell me what you've been up to.
[ it's probably the last thing he'll say of it, fondly but surely missing something when it fails to spread thoroughly across his face. present tense, because he knows, for sure, unless the witch was that untrustworthy, that he was still alive. at least, he would be alive. nishinoya just doesn't know where or when. it was human to find yourself saddened, guilt-filled when thinking of the other party in a situation like that, but—
at least he'll be alive, he thinks. it's all that really matters right now, and he'd hate to feel swlfish all over again.
(looks like they had a lot more in common, huh— )
nishinoya takes his hand back, straightens himself up, with a mighty inhale of air and signature puffed cheeks to accompany, he leans forward to oblige. ]
We're just days away from Interhigh. We've been having practice matches and stuff, [ a gesture, both hands flicking over his head, ] getting used to those goddamn overhands.
[ interhigh . . . here come the nationals already. it's been almost an entire season he's been gone, condensed into just a few days. ] When do you think you'll be good enough for some diving?
[Emi nodded along, even though this was the part that made Emi's sleepy head hurt. Last time they talked about it they still had a bit of a ways to go until nationals but now suDDENLY THE NATIONALS WERE THERE. DAYS AWAY.
Months? Had Passed??? In days. And now. In days. A thing would happen. But Noya was here? But why. Because the manga needs a few months emi calm down.
He was trying to puzzle this out while Noya winkity wonkitied at him. Emi got caught in a flustered chuckle.]
Maybe a week, at least. I'm gonna have to relearn how to walk at this rate.
[Please let him stop sleeping he is tired of sleeping.]
But if Interhigh is in a few days shouldn't you... be there? I'm not sure I get how this going home thing is supposed to work.
Edited (bret please remember your small tags jfc) 2016-11-08 09:06 (UTC)
[ he's keeping a week in mind then— alright. one week. he'll be waiting for you.
from crossing one on top of the other, his feet shift so that the soles of his sneakers are against one another. it was something that worried him a while back, but— with hands out ready to gesture and move with his speech, he starts. ]
Okay, so remember when you get here? You sign a contract and everything, right? When I left home the first time we had just gotten a spot for interhigh.
[ he puts a hand just under his chin, the other hand waving up and down. ]
When the Witch sent me back, it was like she stopped time over there or something, you know? I was back where I left off. [ hands clapping onto his knees, ] Time doesn't exist, man. When I clear my debt, I'll go back where I left off too, like nothing happened!
[Emi was staring now, he knew he was. Finding out that the witch was also a time magician shouldn't have surprised him too much, if she was able to make all these other wishes come true. Dimly he registerd that he really wasn't very surprised, but his mouth felt very dry all the same. The lightness in his head and the twist in his gut made him wonder distantly if he was about to vomit right next to poor Noya.
He didn't, but god he almost wanted to.]
You go right back to where you left off. [A quiet echo just to solidify it. To remember. Had that been a detail in the contract he had missed? Emi swallowed, thoughts swimming.]
Does that get confusing? It's gotta with all the time spent away right?
[ its like i never left, his mind reels, but at the same time there's more than one thing stopping him from speaking up instantly. for one, was the memory of koriko. gone, away in an instant like it never existed. it wasn't a particularly pleasant thing— because back home he went back to his everyday motions. emi never existed. kacchan never existed, and so forth. even if nishinoya has already been aware of the fact that he has to live and take care of all this to the fullest (because surely, one day, it'll all be gone), it might not be so easy for someone who doesn't know about it. it's where he gives a falter, looks back up to gather his words again . . . until he sees the look on emi's face. ]
[The other teen gave a curt nod, though the far away look in his eyes said otherwise. For a moment Emi was somewhere else, quickly running through some of the potential scenarios waiting for him. He didn't have enough details, so he didn't really know, but it was the lack of knowledge that made it worse.
So he only allowed himself a moment of this introspection because he was with someone that had more answers than Emi did.]
[ nishinoya spends those few quiet moments said watching him, keeping a close eye on emi. he would worry, and worries, if something isn't right. they could talk it out, where the libero would offer as much support he could— even with emi saying and attempting to show otherwise, he blinks, gives him one last look, before his hand squeezes his arms, slipping back into his lap. ]
It's not confusing— not back home, at least. [ and with a brief, downcast gaze. ] You don't remember a thing when you go back. It's like Koriko never happened.
[ the look in his eyes, as well as his sudden quiet is also a sign that he too, felt a bit of his heart sink when he thought about it. it was impossible not to feel it. ]
[That was true enough. Emi's heart was right there sinking with it, drifting through the turmoil that was the havoc in Emi's chest. He watched Noya shrink away, knowing it must have been the worst to suddenly realize everything you'd forgotten while you were away. Everything with Kacchan, with the voting, the people he'd call friends...
The thoughts swept by, bringing with them the reminder of what Emi had to lose. His fingers curled in his blankets again, the knowing of -this is everything you have echoing through the quieter parts of his mind.]
[ with a heavy breath sounding from his nostrils, he takes a quick moment to agree with it, allow himself to. back then, he had a hunch, heard about it some but never really took it into account other than live to the fullest. but now, now that's just probably the most important thing he could still manage to hook himself onto. that it he'd lose all hope. ]
It's the worst, Em. I didn't even want to say anything. [ he knows it is, for anyone that had gained something here, and while nishinoya had little knowledge of emi's current situation (other than knowing he was had been in prison— was he still in prison?), it doesn't stop the boy from still extending a hand to him. ]
[He gave another nod, firmer this time in his agreement.]
... Yeah.
[His voice came out calmer, the knee-jerk reaction of panic subsiding slightly now that he could pick up that knowledge and hold it. If he could take a long look at it, get a feel for it, it'd undoubtedly still be shit but at least it'd be shit that he could anticipate might happen. A forced bout of nothing that he'd have to play catch-up after, like Noya was doing now. Thinking about going back to a time where he knew absolutely nothing about what was going on with his friend or anything else just made him feel heavy.]
Emi was quiet a moment before he spoke up again with quiet admissions.]
There's just a cell waiting for me. [And if it happened that he didn't get sent right back to prison, it was still a lot of nothing. It wasn't a home, even outside prison. There was nothing to go back to on his own. There'd only been one reason he hadn't just ditched the whole lot and started over somewhere else, and that reason was here in Koriko.]
All this... this is all I've got. [And it was more than Emi would have ever expected, so it was not a sad fact at all.] It's better to know what might happen so... Thanks. For telling me.
*that's WHY, not way, fingers why have you forsaken me
[ to think it was one thing— to hear it from his own mouth was a whole different ball park, one that made his stomach sink further down his belly and twist until he'd rather not even think of food until it's settled. his fingers fidget into his palm and cross between his other hand. "i'm sorry, man". heh, what kind of comfort would that bring? for now, he can only offer a nod, but his expression says more than needed: he doesn't feel like he should be thanked for bringing news like that all of a sudden. ]
I bet that usually gets people to just . . . Give up on everything. 'Cause it isn't worth it or something.
[ he laughs a little, attempting to lift their weight to higher ground, on a lighter notice at least. he wasn't going to leave and leave them both in that gloomy state. ]
It's so worth it that even I catch myself thinking that I don't even want to leave anymore. [ he's caught himself thinking it hundreds of times, and he has family back home. friends, school, a high school volleyball team and championships waiting for him. hell, maybe he could go pro one day, some would certainly say he has the libero caliber to do it. and here he was, sometimes wondering if he were to pay off his debt— could he stay a little longer? ] I dunno if that's selfish as hell or what.
[But he's got a little smile crawling back on his face, despite everything. It was the potential of losing things that was weighing him down, but the facts about what he didn't have? Those didn't bother him. Maybe on a bad day he'd be a little jealous of Noya having a choice, but right now Emi was firmly settled in the belief that a guy like Noya deserved to have the choice.]
There's nothing wrong with being a little selfish though. [Emi reached over to give Noya the pat on the shoulder this time.]
You've got something important. I don't think following that is bad, as long as you're doing what feels right, be it here or there.
I always thought that. Follow my guts more than anything.
[ wouldn't everyone like a choice in the matter? nishinoya would. and honestly, he thinks most, if not all, deserve it in some way. a choice it what still makes them work to the bone to have theirs eventually.
a look outside a nearby window also proved that he'd have to get going soon, and thus, he gives a sigh, hand going to the other boy's head and giving a kind, charismatic (yet oddly gentle) ruffle through his hair. ]
Promise you'll take care of yourself? Might pass by after work again, so— [ he pats his belly. ] Get your stomach ready.
[ Chou had tapped on the door to room 12 and poked her head in to check on Emi as often as she dared; not quite every day, but as frequently as she thought she could get away with, without making too much of a nuisance of herself. But she had never stepped in. Emi had always been asleep when she stopped by, and she didn't want to disturb his rest or his roommates.
But she was getting antsy. There had to be a way she could make sure to catch him awake, right?
Which was why Emi would find a note when he next happened to wake up in the middle of the day. ]
[ That... was a little disappointing, because it would have been nice to bring him his favorite. But whatever! The true purpose was to make him contact her, signalling that he wasn't dead to the world in sleep.
So, it wouldn't be very long before there was a light rap at Emi's door, and then Chou cautiously sliding it open. ]
[Don't you worry he'd probably get really emotional over just plain okayu let's be real.
He was more properly awake by then, one hand carding through his hair as he tried to focus on reading the book in his lap. His color was much better, and his bruises (save for the worst ones around his neck) were all mostly the pleasant shade of the yellowish green of healing. When he glanced over to the door it was with a fair amount of surprise once he saw who it was.]
[ Made bashful by his reaction, Chou ducked her head a little and smiled. Ah, she thought it would probably be this way. After everything that had happened, and then not getting to talk at all for a few days, she felt awkward. That was why she had wanted a pretense to see him, even a flimsy one.
Slipping in, she came to set a bowl of the warm rice porridge near Emi's futon. ]
[The question from when he woke up came back to him as he just stared uselessly at the bowl of porridge. He didn't know how to process how it was making him feel, since it was simply making him feel too much. He suddenly felt very small and exceedingly undeserving of what was happening right now. All he'd done was get Chou mixed up in something that could have gone very badly and yet. When he first looked at her again it was with a slightly helpless expression, but just for a moment. He quickly steeled it into something closer to grateful, if still confused.]
[ Since he didn't seem unhappy to see her or too tired for a visitor, Chou knelt and settled herself near his futon. And proceeded to try to explain herself. ]
It's good for you, and it goes down easy, so I thought.... I mean, I've been wondering if you were eating well. Not that I don't think Eiji would take care of you! But I thought it would be better to just find out from you directly.
[ A pretty long-winded way to say "I've been worried," but she was a little preoccupied. There had been so many things she wanted to tell him on that awful day, and all this time to think about it had only made her thoughts multiply and get louder, knocking around in her head to the point of distraction. And now she didn't even know how to begin. ]
[He got the gist, and the gist was pretty overwhelming. Emi glanced down at his hands for a moment before he settled himself, reaching over to lightly ruffle Chou's hair. He meant it to help cut the awkwardness in the only way he had.]
Ha, he has. He's been making me soup.
[Said with a very fond expression, though it remained on his face when he smiled lightly at her too.]
This looks good though. Thanks, Chou.
[Then his brows furrowed a little and he looked back down at his hands, voice going a bit quieter.]
[ Her eyes blinked wide, childlike, at the gesture. Ah... it had been a while since anyone had done that to her. Certainly not since before she came to Koriko. There hadn't really been anyone here close enough to her for that.
Her throat felt tight, all of a sudden. It was her turn to look down at her hands, folded in her lap. ]
... Eiji took care of the most important part. Thank goodness, right? Everything I did was only natural. It was what I felt like doing.
[There was a firmness to his tone now, because Emi wasn't going to sit and let the importance of what she had done go unstated.]
Nothing you did was natural. No one else would have shown up.
[Presented as the cold hard fact that it was, and Emi had no problem laying it out there. There was no reason to be bothered by it, it was just the way things were and he was fine with that. He was also certain that hardly anyone would have cared if he had just vanished, but that was something he knew better than to say.]
[ He really thought that way. Chou wasn't surprised, but it was a confirmation she hadn't wanted. She might not have ever been in the kind of dire straits they'd rescued Emi from, but his mindset was something she could understand too well.
Children could cry, and nobody would come. Hearts could break, and nobody would think twice of their owners. Loneliness was a fact of the world.
But, well. She was still wrapping her heart around the idea herself, but Chou had learned that it wasn't the only fact of the world. ]
Emi, you know.... I don't want you to get the wrong impression of me. I'm not some kind of heroic person, or even an especially generous one. But getting scared and wanting to do something when you see a friend in danger... that's a natural thing.
Edited (I shouldn't try to write right after waking up agh) 2016-11-02 11:09 (UTC)
[The first quiet comment made his hands subtly ball up into the blanket on his lap, the color of shame slowly burning up behind his bruises. It was one thing for Emi to say it for himself. It was another entirely for someone else to lay it out there for him when he had no say in it. He knew how it sounded.
It was nothing personal it was just... that was how it was.
It was everything else that stole his breath away, leaving only a cloudy sense of confusion and something tight in his chest. It wasn't the compulsion he had an issue with, that he understood perfectly well. He'd done that plenty of times and had enough objects slammed against his face to know that was a pretty verified fact. At least for him.
He had wanted to mutter that that sort of thing wasn't natural to do for people like him. People usually wouldn't. People wouldn't use that word in relation to people like him. But he sat on the words, biting the inside of his lip hard. It was easy to forget that he didn't have to play that role here. It'd already happened once before this, but that was hardly enough of an occurrence for Emi to really soak it in that maybe, just maybe, people would actually want to be his...
His...
Emi swallowed tightly, giving a minute shake of his head to try and clear his face from the heat present there.]
You don't have to do that for me. I don't want... [he paused, reconsidered] I can't bear the thought that my... that my friend is hurt because of someone like me so. You don't have to do that.
[ Chou stared anxiously at Emi's face, watching the way his expressions shifted.
Oh no. Oh no. Had she overstepped and hit a painful nerve? Was he gonna cry?
She had come into this thinking she had some idea of how he felt, and maybe she did, but now she was realizing how little that made this any easier. Nobody had ever gotten all choked up when she declared them a friend before, and understanding what Emi was probably feeling didn't mean she knew how to respond. Was this the time to explain about how none of the girls she went to school with would talk to her all the way from kindergarten through middle school, and how her best friend had turned out to only see her as a servant, and how her mother was apparently pretending Chou didn't exist now? Or maybe it would be better to say something subtler, something soothing? Should she perhaps just thank him for agreeing that they were friends?
All wound up and at a loss, she latched on to the only part of what Emi said that was easy to address. ]
I--I'm not the one who got hurt though! That's you! I didn't get any kind of injury, not even a twisted ankle! It's actually really surprising!
[It came out harsher than he intended, but even his intentions were fairly strong. Any other time, any other topic, Emi would have laughed about that a little bit. He knew how easy it would have been for something to happen to her though. Considering everything else that had gone to shit that day, let alone the fact that she and Eiji had to hike through the woods, it was honestly some kind of miracle that Chou had gotten out of it with just some worries.
If things had been even the slightest bit more normal, or if Eiji hadn't been there...
A look of resolve reached his expression, because while he still might have been figuring out what to do with friends, he was incredibly certain about what he didn't want to happen. Emi lifted his eyes to look at her with quiet sterness.]
What you did means a lot to me, Chou, I can't even tell you. But if something else happens I want you to be selfish, okay?
[ At first Chou was jolted by the seriousness. She wasn't used to seeing Emi this way, hadn't expected it.
But it suited him, this protective air, and there was something painfully nice about having that directed at her. For a moment, Chou just looked at him, with a softness to her gaze.
Then she closed her eyes and scoffed. ]
If you're gonna make me promise something like that, I might as well tell you to get rid of the openings in your heart that let spirits in.
[ Maybe she would try to be smarter if something like this happened again, but she knew now more than ever that she couldn't sit on her hands while a friend was in such danger. And if that friend showed as much care for her as Emi did, well, that just made it all that much more urgent. ]
Wow, harsh. [He almost smiled, a little, even if he had flinched a bit while she couldn't see.]
... You wouldn't be wrong to though.
[Those had certainly been a weakness to be exploited. Though if he thought about it, they might have been all the difference between wanting to be kept for company and just being used as food. Maybe that was a thought best kept quiet though, especially if agreeing meant he could prod Chou into not being reckless. There was only enough room here for one of them jumping into things.]
You work on being selfish, I'll work on being... [Vague hand gesture.]
You have to practice! Different situations mean you can act differently!
[ And since Emi just came out and said he was used to being disliked, Chou was emboldened. ]
I haven't known any of my friends for much more than a year altogether, but the openings in my heart have already started to shrink a little! It's true!
[ She slapped her chest for emphasis. ]
Edited (timelines in 200+ chapter mangas are a pain) 2016-11-05 01:24 (UTC)
[Emi blinked, both at the display and because he was surprised to hear that Chou seemed relatively new to the whole friend business as well. He couldn't help but wonder what kind of misfit she had been categorized then-- he was certain it wasn't her personality that would have been the issue.
There was a tinge of sadness in the smile he gave her, a little too much understanding.]
I'm glad to hear that.
[And he really was.]
I don't think I can be anything but myself though. Can't be all that bad if you like me.
[ Her cheeks flushed a little at that last bit. What! That was so embarrassing! What a smooth thing to say. It was completely unfair.
She could only respond delicately, seriously. ]
That's not.... It's not just me that likes you. I already know one other person who does, and there are definitely more that I don't know. I'm really sure!
[ Amazingly, she doesn't come right out and say "Did you forget what brought all this on?" but it's probably written clearly enough on her face for him to get the message. ]
[A quiet murmur as his expression softened. He could have expected that based on everything else. Emi looked away from her, reaching over to lift up the bowl that had also been born of worry. He gave it a little stir to redistribute its warmth, watching that instead of her when he spoke again.]
She told you I had hoped, right? Things are already different so don't... you don't have to worry too much, ok?
[Because you both came, and it meant the world to him.]
I dunno what to do with worry worts so don't become one of those.
[ Oh... things were different because his hope had been answered, he meant. Chou was sure it was mostly Eiji that Emi had wished for, but that was fine and to be expected. If she had played any part in making him feel less lonely, that was something to be happy about.
A warm calm settled over her as she watched Emi poke at the okayu. Smiling, she gave a small hum of assent. ]
[ Chou lit up with cheer. She hadn't been in any doubt about the dish's quality--she had checked the taste herself, of course, and it was only porridge anyway--but she wasn't immune to compliments. And it was reassuring to witness Emi taking in wholesome nutrition first-hand. ]
I'm glad! Next time, you have to tell me your favorite.
[If there was a need for a next time Emi was going to squarely punch himself in the face. He definitely would not deserve any okayu. But that wasn't an argument he was going to invite into his life right now.]
Tellin' you, whatever's around is good. I only ever made the plain stuff so anyhing more than that is fancy to me.
[ By "next time" she meant "when I bring you more, maybe tomorrow or another day," geez! Chou wasn't ready to imagine something like this happening to Emi again. ]
What, but that's not as much fun. I know how to make lots of things, so you should definitely go ahead and exploit me!
[ What, no response? Chou reverted back to innocence, looking at Emi through the awkward silence. He looked a little uncomfortable, she thought, but why? ]
... Are you tired? If it's too much, don't force yourself to finish it.
What? I don't get you. [ But she smiled a little lopsidedly, and decided not to pursue it. ] Well, if you won't tell me what you like best, I'll just have to keep guessing. But don't worry! I don't have the money to overdo it!
[Emi laughed at that.] No need to spend all your money on me, I honestly like pretty much anything. Egg is pretty good though. [Just in case she needed a truly definitive answer. Still not a ~favorite~, but more to go on than just anything.]
[Honestly it was easier than one might expect when it was eiji being the one doing the writing. But this was also Emi doing the reading, so one might hear the eyebrow raise in his response.]
Yeah??
[Sure he didn't say anything about it but. This was not? A secret??]
a unreasonably detailed timetable charting Emi's estimated work hours and his sleeping schedule, with notes such as 21 HOUR WORK DAY? and WEEKLY TOTAL: 19 hours of sleep jotted throughout.
There's even a graph. A graph drawn with very angry lines.]
Why'd you suddenly take on so many hours anyway?! You weren't working nearly this much a month ago, but suddenly you're never around anymo always exhausted and you pass out the second you're back in dorm
[You're never around. I never see you unless you're asleep. I don't have anyone to talk to. I'm alone even when you're around. Isn't this what you told me not to do? It isn't fair. I'm worried about you. I don't want to watch you work yourself to death. Don't do this to me.
...
After a long pause, Eiji's scrawl was notably more timid in its plea.]
[There was another long pause from Emi's end this time as he stood at the counter, staring down at those five little words. He trailed his fingers over them, taking a deep breath before he picked up his pen.]
[The confidence in his handwriting picks up as he begins to rapidly scratch out:]
That's not good enough
I'm planning your schedule now. Your shifts go through me. You're going to tell me how many hours you want per week, and I'm going to organize your workload, including required rest periods.
And, in case you conveniently forget to eat, I'm including scheduled lunch deliveries and timed messages.
[There was an abrupt stop in Emi's response as he paused. This was just Eiji's very convoluted way of saying he was worried, wasn't it? Emi shook his head a bit in disbelief, almost feeling a laugh coming on but not quite. If it were anyone else he would have absolutely argued because this was too much. Not even an argument, it would have been a flat out refusal.]
Sure
You don't have to go so out of your way for me, but alright. We can give it a try and see how it goes.
thanks for always being there for me, man. you're really a man and the friend any man can count on. merry christmas!!!!! you deserve a big one!!!!! —nishinoya
[ and in this boxed package is a pack of emoji earrings, a shirt, and the best of all . . .
[NO Emi didn't know what to do with a gift. He wasn't expecting a gift! He didn't get any gifts!! Gifts weren't a thing!!! ... But here was a gift. It felt weird to get a bit emotional about a box of tacos, but here they were.
Noya didn't get a written reply, but next time Emi saw him he got a firm pat on the back and a mumbled, kind of embarassed 'thank you.'
But a few days after that, nestled in with Noya's work things, he'd find a little wooden figure of a bird. A crow, maybe, since it was stained so dark.
I'm bad at christmas, but I hope you had a good one too. --Emi]
4/18 I think? all of my april plotting has *vague gestures* for dates
Emi, are you free after work today? When does your shift end? --Chou
[ While it would actually be helpful to have those questions answered, the note truly serves as a test. How willing is Emi to deal with her? She wants to know. ]
[It might have taken longer for a response to reach Chou's hands than she would have liked. Emi had stared at it for a long time, unable to puzzle out what Chou could have needed from him. Well, there was only one way to find out really.]
Yeah.
[And then there was a time scribbled down for that evening.]
[ All the waiting today was gnawing a hole in her gut. She could have said precisely how long it took Emi to respond, down to the minute. The hours until the time he'd given managed to be painfully slow and anxiety-spiking quick, at once. If he didn't actually turn up outside The Boar's Nest back entrance when Chou was waiting there, hands clasped white-knuckled, shoulders drawn in, she didn't know what she would do.
No, well, she had a few ideas about ambushing him, tracking him down to plead her case. But she was trying not to give up hope, just yet, that he would still willingly meet her. ]
[Tracking him down wouldn't be necessary. Giving her the time was as good as giving her his word, and he wasn't about to go back on that even if he couldn't really see the point. There wasn't anything else for him to be useful for was there? So why...?
He'd tried not to give it a lot of thought. There wasn't a lot to think about.
But it wasn't long after the time he had said that Emi ventured out of The Boar's Nest's doors, his collar loose and hands in his pockets. It didn't take long to spy Chou, and he gathered himself mentally to make his way over.]
[ She jumped a little when she saw him, posture going even more rigid. Frantic, she scanned his face, taking in the damage--and his eyes. The way he was looking at her.... Emi wasn't like her. He didn't express himself enthusiastically over small things, and that was fine; she really was the weird one, as far as that went.
But he didn't always look so closed off, at least not with her, not anymore. Cold pain pierced her chest. It was like she'd thought--he'd shut the door on her already, and maybe he wouldn't even bother humoring her enough to let her clear things up.
The plan had been to explain the situation gently and rationally, because Emi wasn't unreasonable. But now her pulse was too loud in her ears, and she couldn't think of the words she'd meant to start with. In all her mental rehearsing, imagining the ways this could conversation could go wrong, she had failed to account for this much panic, this soon. One selfish fear overwhelmed everything, and it tumbled out of her mouth unplanned, tears pricking her eyes. ]
[Emi recoiled from the outburst a bit, taking a startled step back. He didn't know what he was expecting, but it certainly wasn't this. Confusion was plain on his face as he furrowed his brow, torn between trying to offer a hand and just. Not knowing what to do. (Was she crying?)
He didn't get it. She'd asked him to meet him to... Well she actually hadn't asked him to meet with her, he realized, but that had been the implication, right? How had he already messed up?? He frowned to himself.]
[ Her feet were carrying her toward him now, closing the remaining space in one quick rush. She couldn't stop the torrent, all the fear that had simmered since her talk with Mallory welling up and spilling out at once. ]
But I don't-- [ No, she did care, if only about a few of the examples of "people who've hated me" that immediately came to mind. ] --I don't need to hear about anyone else! I'm saying it to you! Even if you don't wanna listen and won't believe me, just don't hate me!
[His feet were frozen in place despite the want to shrink away from her advances. he was backed into a metaphorical wall, and he realized he hated this feeling of cowering as if he was a stray afraid of getting hit again. Not that he was afraid of anything Chou physically had to offer, he wasn't afraid of physical pain. The outburst was just alarming because he didn't know what he was supposed to do with it. He'd stayed out of her way, of course, but had he done anything to make it seem like he hated her...?
That just felt like a punch all over again. He was just trying to do what he was supposed to do.
Emi awkwardly glanced away and back, nervously flicking his tongue over dry lips before speaking in a quiet, very confused tone.]
[ The words sunk into her gently, cooling her fervor. She stood still, breathing out slowly, eyes dropping from Emi for a moment as she regained her senses.
She hadn't meant to start with an outburst. Geez, to think she'd made Emi reassure her, when it was supposed to be the other way around. He surely wasn't in the mood for it, either.
But she could do it now. More than a bit meek, she looked up at him again. ]
So... just listen, for a minute. I don't know if you heard... it sounds really weird, but lately people have been ending up in different bodies. It's true! I think it's something one of the guests did, but--if you ask around, I think you'll definitely find other people who can confirm it. I'm not making it up!
[ Did the desperation make her sound guilty? She couldn't help it; everything was riding on Emi taking her word, and he might not want to do that. ]
And so, that happened to me too, for the past few days. I'm only back in my own body since this morning. The guy that had my body--he hasn't told me everything he got up to, but he mentioned--
[ She bit her lip, before her voice got smaller. ]
He said he kinda whacked you. That's how he put it. Was there... anything else?
[Emi stood by quietly, letting Chou compose herself for whatever it was that she wanted to say. Which.. wasn't what he was expecting, even if he didn't know what he was expecting.
He was aware that some people had been switching places. He'd gotten a punch out of that introduction to the concept as well, but let's face it- it was far easier for Emi to tell there was something weird going on when someone else was occupying Eiji of all people. What it meant was that it was true.
What it meant was that Chou... hadn't been Chou.
Emi had already withdrawn a little bit into himself as she explained, feeling shame trace its cold fingers up his neck.]
[ Watching Emi's reaction didn't tell her if she was in the clear or not, only that he still wasn't happy, still was holding back and folding up into himself. Did he not believe her after all? That was the option she had to tackle first. It was awfully hard to speak when her heart was in her mouth, but Chou pressed on. ]
I--I can't give you physical evidence, but--witnesses! There are a couple people who know the situation! And I'll make him come explain himself, and I'll make him apologize properly!
[ So, he did believe her, probably? What was he thinking, then? Chou quieted for a moment, but then leaned towards him, head tilted, confusion written in every line of her body. ]
No... hitting you was definitely wrong. And then he didn't even make sure you were okay--I'm sure of that. And he let you think... [ Where to begin? She didn't actually even know what Emi thought, she was only assuming things. ] He let you think things that aren't true. That guy did a lot of wrong things!
And... and I should have talked to him sooner, and I should have ignored what he wanted, and cleared things up with you right away.
[The motion was more tentative than it usually would have been, but Emi reached out to gently place his hands on her shoulders. It was almost as if he was a little afraid to touch her, a little afraid to have her too close… He might have been.
The blond shook his head, attempting to interject a little.]
Chou, it’s… it is what it is. [He wasn’t going to say it was fine when she clearly thought it wasn’t. He looked away, the cool flickers of shame starting to creep more into his expression.]
[ The touch reassured her more quickly than almost anything could have, hushing the anxious yammering in her head about everything that was wrong. He wouldn't bother with such a gesture if he didn't want things to be right between them, would he? Chou stilled, eyelashes fluttering in surprise as she gave Emi her full attention.
She considered what he had to say, considered the look on his face, the guard that was starting to look a bit chipped. ]
Well... it would be kinda unreasonable, if I expected you to come to me after something like that happened. If it was me in your place, I definitely can't vouch for what I'd do.
"I don't think you'd take a hit lying down for one thing," Emi said, chancing a glance back in her direction. It was presumably a sort of joke, but it was hard to summon even his usual little huffs of almost-laughter to accompany it.
He drew light circles on her shoulders with his fingers, considering. "You've already run after someone you thought might hate you to try and change that." She picked it up and challenged what she didn't like. Emi gently withdrew his hands, as if that was something he just couldn't compete with.
Would she, though? If it was a friend doing it? Chou's eyes averted for a moment, mouth turning down in thought. She had let Kanae slap her, but that was only for an act, and also it had sort of been fair payback. Her mind jumped next to Shotaro, his knuckles crashing into her cheek, splitting skin--no, but he already was her enemy when he did that. If it had happened when she still loved him....
Her brow creased. No, she really wasn't sure.
But Emi's next point jolted her, snapping her eyes back up to his, a touch of shame coloring her cheeks. Look at her, getting wrapped up in her fears and neglecting the most important things. "That's not exactly--I mean, that's not all of it. I can't... say I didn't panic about that worst-case scenario, when I saw you." It was a little late to deny it. "But it's not like I needed to talk to you just because I don't wanna be hated. I had to make sure you understand, you know? That I've never stopped thinking of you as my friend. You've never done anything at all to make me think about hurting you."
At this point he couldn't quite meet her eyes. The whole experience was just so bizarre and otherwordly that he was losing his sense of what to do with it. That she had never stopped thinking about him as her friend was as foreign as the fact that she thought of him as one in the first place, which he had finally come to some sort of terms with.
Deciding he wasn't one just seemed like the most common-sense option anyone had.
"I didn't think you were hurting me," he admitted delicately. It had hurt, certainly, but it hadn't been a deliberate action. It had just been... what he had been expecting. He gave a small, hapless shrug of his shoulders.
"That's just... usually how things go. It made sense."
Chou knew she assumed a lot of things about Emi--well, not too many details, really, just the broad strokes. Sometimes she worried that she was projecting, but mostly she was pretty confident that the cracks in Emi's heart were a lot like the ones in her own.
She couldn't be upset with him for not believing in her enough to question the change in temperament. But, afraid as she had been that he might hold a grudge, she also couldn't be okay with his inclination to just accept a punch to the face.
Which was why she had to say it, very softly. "What could possibly make sense about something like that?" Chou had thought she could get away without prodding any of Emi's tender spots, had thought it would be better to just let him be, forever. But now, this sense that she understood where he was coming from just didn't cut it, if the cracks in his heart were so much farther behind in their healing than her own. "If that's how things usually go, then the usual is wrong."
Emi let out a soft laugh, though there was no humor to be found in it. "Being wrong doesn't mean it's not what happens." There was nothing good about it, Emi knew. It was different here, but no amount of reminding himself of that in such a short period of time could fully undo what years had done.
Shuffling his hands into his pockets, Emi gave another small shake of his head. It felt like this was something Chou was going to press, and doing it right out front of the Boar's Nest was chance inviting other people he knew into a conversation he didn't particularly want to have in the first place.
"I'm saying I don't like it." Chou's frown was getting deeper, bitterness creeping into her voice. "You can get mad, you know."
But she wasn't about to deny his request. She'd been hoping to walk home with him anyway, that this would be a nice enough confrontation that such companionship would still be welcome at the end of it. But she was ready to go wherever he wanted, if he was willing to talk to her. So she nodded. "You know somewhere quieter?"
He stepped away with an incline of his head, wordlessly instructing her to follow. There was no doubt that she would, so Emi just started off. It was a lull in the revelry as most patrons had found the places they wanted to haunt for the next little while, so there weren't many people that they needed to weave through, and no chance of getting separated even if Emi wasn't doing the best he could to wait.
"It's not exactly quieter, but the view is nice." It didn't matter to him if strangers overheard. He'd never have to see them again, probably.
Leading her through the streets, they reached another part of the entertainment district (as if any part of Koriko was not part of an entertainment district). Here a stream ran through the heart of it, and it was at the height of one of the bridges across the water that Emi drew to a slow. It wasn't the season for fireflies, but the soft lights of paper lanterns still danced on the stream's surface. It'd be even prettier in a few weeks when the buds on the trees bloomed with their delicate pink blossoms.
Emi took up residence at the railing, leaning on his elbows and letting his hands dangle over the edge in a loose hold on each other. He gave her a small glance as if to make sure she was actually there, then trained his eyes on the leisured pace of the currents.
Finally, after what might have felt like ages, Emi spoke back up. "People like me don't make friends."
It makes who right? was the question that hung heavy in her mind while she watched Emi's back, the line of his shoulders as she followed him. Anger had been Chou's liberation, in a way, but maybe that was only because it was the opposite of what anyone had expected from her. The perception Emi had been up against must have been of a different nature.
The most obvious conclusion, if getting angry about being hurt was supposed to prove whoever had hurt him right... well, maybe there had been people somewhere who thought Emi was dangerous, somehow. Her gaze flicked up to his spiked hair, the blond catching lamp light. It was sort of a delinquent style, now that she thought of it--no, she was sure she'd even had that thought before, if only in passing. But Emi himself was too calm and gentle to really fit a stereotype like that; it didn't work.
That thought clicked something into place, in the back of her mind, but Chou pushed away the urge to examine it further. She'd been assuming big things about Emi for almost as long as she'd known him, and she should really give him a chance to lay things out the way he wanted.
By the time she had slipped up to stand beside him, folding her hands on the railing, she knew which question to ask first. Her eyes were trained on him, even after he looked away. "What's so bad about people like you?"
"If you want to get ahead in life, you need to associate with the right people."
The connections you made would carry you. Your reputation was everything. Get in with the right folk, and you were set to do whatever you put your mind to. That was the story of success for so many people, no matter what dreams they were chasing.
It'd been a very, very long time since the thought had crossed his mind, but there was a point when Emi had wondered what it would be like to have the chance to have a dream.
"Nothing good's gonna come your way when you hang out with the son of a criminal."
Chou didn't even say "oh," out loud, just let out a very soft exhale. She looked down into the water, thoughtful.
So that was it. It made sense immediately. Even more than anything Chou had had to deal with, that kind of thing was sure to turn people against you, no matter how young and innocent you were. How old was Emi when everyone found out, she wondered.
"That's a pretty stupid thing to make a fuss about, though," she said after a moment. "It's not like rotten people never come from parents with good reputations."
It was true, of course. It was incredibly stupid, the standards people were held to were all backwards. It was one thing to say it though. Doing anything about it was seemingly impossible. It was too late for him anyway.
Emi shrugged. "It is what it is. They just got the better cards."
She couldn't deny the truth in that. Whether you believed in karma or not, it was a fact that some people were born with better lots.
It was a lonely thing to think about. "But what you said before isn't true, you know? You definitely have friends. I was your friend before I even knew it."
"It kind of blows my mind," Emi admitted quietly. "That anyone wants anything to do with me."
All it took was a change of scenery. Of course, he knew that. It could have been easy to change things around, if he'd just left. Whether or not it would have made him any happier, Emi couldn't say. And if he had gone, then Eiji would have...
"I should have come to talk to you, I just..." Emi gave an almost helpless shrug of his shoulders. He finally glanced back over at her, something shy and fragile there.
There was a tightness in her chest. That was not a surprising thing to hear from him. None of this really was, which was the worst part of it all. It should be surprising that someone like Emi, someone so much kinder, more steadfast and straightforward than herself, should be so resigned to closed doors.
She looked up to meet his eyes with a tight smile. "Like I told you, there's no way I'd expect you to do that. The one who gets hurt shouldn't have to be the one extending an olive branch. I was definitely gonna come to you, no matter what."
When he had no one, it hadn't felt like it mattered if he had anyone around or not. If his singular friend told him to back off, he would. That was what he would have expected, that's why had hadn't gone after her already. That's just what he knew. Now that he actually had to count the friends that he had, didn't that mean that things were different? Didn't that mean they weren't the way he knew anymore?
"... You mean a lot to me, Chou, so I shouldn't have just... accepted that."
Her shoulders gave the slightest jerk back, eyelashes fluttering in surprise. What was she supposed to do when he said something like that?
"Well... that..." Her voice started out half-strangled with emotion, but softened as she lowered it, bashful. "... That makes me happy." She couldn't help it. "But--but I mean it, don't act like anything was your fault. It wasn't your responsibility to fix things. You have to expect more from me!"
After a moment of quiet, a small smile worked its way to Emi's lips. It was more reminiscent of the tentative gestures he'd offered when he'd first began to let her in.
"I'll try to hold you to that from now on," he said with a soft huff of laughter. There was still something muted about it as Emi turned his eyes back to the water. Knowing he'd made her happy made him happy, but it didn't change the root of the problem. "This is just... How I am."
He folded his fingers together, mimicking other motions he'd seen time and time again. "I'm glad I came here."
Chou was peering at him sidelong, not wanting to stare him down, but also unwilling to look away for long. The small motions of his hands drew her attention, and she wondered--should she? Would it be the right thing, to touch him? He looked so fragile. What if she did too much, and made him clam up?
She wasn't sure what to say to that last thing, really. After turning the words over in her head, all she could come out with was quiet frankness. "I... was pretty stupid when I made my wish. I've thought lots of times, I shouldn't have done it. But, if I keep thinking about... it was completely necessary, for things like meeting you."
The gut reactions were entirely at odds with one another. His fingers tightened around each other just slightly, disbelief tainting the pressure there. There was nothing necessary about meeting him. But his head dipped, his face blooming with color at her words.
Completely unnecessary, Eiji would have said. Emi might have agreed, but it still felt good to hear.
"Being impulsive can have its perks." Tentatively, he leaned over to nudge her shoulder with his, giving her a shy sidelong look. "Thanks, Chou. For finding me."
That was a new. Chou turned her head to blink owlishly at Emi, not sure how to respond to shoulder nudges--oh, she should just nudge back, right? But a few moments had already passed and all she could do was smile, all warm and dumb. Would that be enough to convey how glad she was to have this, how much less lonely she was with Emi around?
Still smiling--she could hardly stop, now--Chou shook her head. "I only wandered in uninvited, and you humored me."
Smiling was more than enough to convey everything. It reaffirmed everything he already knew about coming here was the best thing he could have done-- the only other people that had smiled in his presence back in Japan were Eiji and his little sister. Having this now after so long was nothing short of amazing.
One thing was for certain: the entire ordeal made Eiji very, very glad he didn't go the 'live in hiding out in the forests' route of evading capture. Even if muscle fatigue and starvation were mitigated by resetting, there was this fatigue that somehow lingered, wedged between sore joints and twisted into muscle knots. It reaffirmed the necessity of being able to live in a civilized place.
It also reaffirmed the need for Emi's presence in his life. Of course, Eiji knew the blond wouldn't rest until he was safe, but knowing didn't compare with the rush of euphoric relief when they finally met in the woods. For the first time, collapsing into Emi's arms and being held - even in front of an audience - was the most comforting thing in the world.
He'd... missed Emi. No matter how much he pushed it from his mind now, that had been a very real feeling that haunted him through the cold nights. What it meant - and especially where it left him - Eiji had no idea.
But from the look on the blond's face, whatever the demi-human felt was nowhere near what Emi's emotions went through.
Even now he was still waiting - albeit only for Eiji to finish in the bathroom, but even that was probably its own kind of excruciating. After all, the first damn thing he did upon getting back to his room was announce that he was taking a shower - he barely said anything else before closing the door behind him. Maybe he'd been in here long enough, then - but at least he was feeling alive again.
Eiji toweled down his hair before wrapping it around his waist (in his haste, he hadn't even bothered to bring a change of clothes,) before finally emerging. Steam wafted around him and the cool air kissed his still-warm skin, so smooth and unbroken that it would've been impossible to tell that he'd just been eking it out in the wild.
A relieved sigh spilled from his lips as he walked out. "That's better."
Knowing Eiji was so close and yet so far out of his grasp was a special kind of excruciating for Emi. Once he'd finally had the ajin in his arms, he'd hadn't wanted to let him go. Yet there he was, arms filled only with the thrumming anxiety of being discontent. Not that he could begrudge the warm shower that Eiji definitely deserved.
He'd just been so consumed with worry for so long, absolutely terrified that he'd already been too late or he had been heading in the wrong direction the whole time. Who knew what else could have found Eiji. All he wanted to do now was bask in the rush of relief knowing that Eiji was alright, feel that very real weight against his chest as Eiji rested safe and warm in his arms. Everything was fine.
But while his arms were ajin-less, the least he could do was cozy up their part of the room. The nervous energy lent itself to prepping both their futons (that Truffles promptly claimed) and getting Eiji a change of comfortable clothes. Those rested on the the corner of the futon-- just a large t-shirt and some boxers. Emi couldn't imagine Eiji was going to be going anywhere.
All he could do after that was wait.
When the door opened, Emi locked his eyes on the other boy. Under better circumstances it would have been a treat to trail his eyes over rosy pale skin, but now it was simply to verify that he was fine. Of course he was fine.
"Feeling civilized again." Having the futons all laid out was deeply appreciated, and he showed this appreciation by flopping right onto it without a second thought. He could get changed in a minute, right after he soaked in how nice it was not to be sleeping in the dirt. A low hum of satisfaction crept out from the back of his throat as he buried his face in the pillow specifically.
When he finally rolled his face back out of the softness dimension, he let it rest in Emi's direction. The last time they'd done this, the last time he collapsed after spending far too long sleeping on the floor of a barn, Eiji had still been pretending not to know him. Now, he found himself drinking in the sight of Emi.
It was a stretch to say the demi-human looked tender or blissful. There was a softness around his eyes, sure, but it was more accurate to say he seemed... lighter.
A safe and comfortable Eiji was arguably one of Emi's favorite kind of Eiji's. There was more than enough tenderness in the blond's expression for the both of them as he watched Eiji envelop himself in softness. He settled himself in closer as Eiji turned his eyes on him.
"Of course," he replied simply, wearing the hints of a soft smile. They were overshadowed by the promise in his gaze, shining bright with its intensity. "I'll always find you," he pledged, "as long as you want to be found."
Which... wouldn't be always, Emi knew, but for now it was enough.
That was an answer Eiji was pleased to hear. He rolled the rest of his body onto his side, facing Emi in casual lounge.
Though it was unlike him, he pried delicately, "You knew I hadn't left." ...Right? Emi would've been forgiven for thinking any disappearance at this point was just another abandonment, considering his track record. Had... had he...
Had he done right by Emi? Even if that wound might never fully close, was he making up for it?
As much as he hated it, it would have been a lie to say that the thought of Eiji simply leaving hadn't crossed his mind. He did everything he could to put it out of mind, of course. He trusted Eiji. The precedent had been set though, and it was nothing Emi could begrudge. He trusted Eiji, and that included trusting him to do what was best for himself and Emi, even if...
Emi gave a small shake of his head. "It didn't make sense," he mused. His wish wasn't done, he'd taken no supplies, they had plans... Emi's voice softened with care as he continued.
"Besides... Wherever we go, we go together, right?"
Strangely, it didn't make sense was the perfect response to put Eiji completely at ease. He relaxed, even let a small, satisfied smile cross his face - comfortable in the knowledge that Emi understood him. It meant whatever feeling this was, glowing inside him, it had a rational basis. Clinging to that reassurance made it easier to accept its presence.
They were going together, and nothing about that plan demanded to be changed. Eiji didn't want it to.
Warmly, he murmured, "Yeah. You're exactly right."
That smile, small as it was, was enough to ignite a warmth in Emi's chest that he couldn't shake even if he would have wanted to. It filled him up to the brim, spilling over into a bright grin that lit up his whole face.
"Then that's not something I'm worried about." Not as long as he was needed and Eiji could make that face.
Well. Since Emi offered and all. Eiji peered thoughtfully up at the ceiling as he searched his desires and swiftly found a very glaring need.
Shamelessly, he stated simply, "I want a snack." He didn't specify what, because frankly, at this point, anything that wasn't unwashed mushrooms he found in the forest would be an improvement, but he definitely was in the mood for something. Junky.
Well that seemed obvious in retrospect. Of course he'd be hungry. Emi wasn't sure if they had to worry about him over-eating too quickly with the resets and all, but it wasn't like there was a whole lot in the room to gorge on anyway. Even if he'd made the offer, the blond realized he wasn't all that willing to let Eiji back out of his sights just yet.
"I think we've still got some cup noodles," he stated, getting up to set up that magical kettle of theirs. Somewhere he was sure Selenite was having a full-body spasm over the idea that their elegant coffee pot was being used for such cheap reasons.
Normally Eiji would opt for normal cup noodles, but he was feeling a special need to eat something he could really taste. Something strong enough to banish all traces of his miserable stint in the dirt.
While Emi was preparing the kettle, the demi-human sat up and took this opportunity to change into those clothes. Soft, clean fabric against freshly washed skin... he breathed another contented sigh to himself, just glad to be here.
With the tastiest decision having been made, Emi set about getting the soupy snack ready. Cup lids opened, chopsticks located, the flash of creamy skin catching his eye...
Keeping Eiji in his sights was turning out to be a more literal desire than anticipated. He was just putting the pajamas on, there was nothing special about it in anyway. And yet Emi's eyes kept being drawn to follow the lines of fabric as they sloped across the softness of Eiji's skin. Indulgences apparently were abundant on the heels of relief. Emi licked his lips as he looked away, but it wasn't long before his gaze was trailing back.
"I was going to take you to get a parfait," he admitted as the sound of water starting to heat up rolled near him. "I'll have to try again, I think you'd like 'em."
He settled back against the futon in a lounging position, once again watching Emi - (thankfully?) unaware of how tantalizing his bare skin had been.
"Well," he mused, "I'm glad you didn't tell me beforehand. It would've made the whole thing a lot worse if I knew I could've been eating parfait instead."
Emi laughed, shaking his head in open amusement. "Yeah, that would have been terrible. With all that thinking of parfaits, ghost might have just drug me back to town instead."
What a waste that would have been, it didn't even have a mouth to enjoy a parfait with.
Eiji snorted. Yeah, that would be a waste. Especially now that he could see through its nonexistent eyes, so he'd only be able to look at all the parfait he wasn't eating.
"You think that theory of yours extends to food cravings?" Because, well... the 'ghost wants what Eiji wants' hypothesis was starting to look more and more like it could be true.
"Maybe, if we're talking 'stuck in the woods with nothing but twigs' levels of craving?" Hearing the intensity of the rolling kettle near him, Emi moved to pour the hot water into the prepared cups. "The usual hankering for a cup of noodles? Probably not so much."
The blond carefully made his way back over, setting the steaming noodle vessels down near Eiji so they could cook in closer proximity.
Eiji began to mutter, "Only because..." but the words trailed off, unable to finish that thought. His gaze fell from Emi and wandered across the tatami as he tried to piece together what to say, though it felt like trying to choose which wall to demolish on an already shaky structure. While he was still standing inside it.
Eventually, he pulled his legs in to shift into more of a sitting position. "We both wanted the same thing for once," he supposed, thoughtful and hesitant.
Emi watched him as he searched for the words he wanted to say, open curiosity on his features. He wasn't about to guess about the thoughts shifting through Eiji's mind. Instead he stayed quiet, letting Eiji sort it out at his own pace.
The answer he did receive just made him smile at him. "Thank goodness for that."
The want to be safe and warm was a strong one, and Emi was thankful the ghost seemed to appreciate the same things. Odd, but he wasn't going to question it. What else would they see eye to eye on?
"Here," he said, handing over one of the pairs of chopsticks.
"Mmm." Probably for the better that Emi glossed over that. It saved Eiji from having to analyze it too deeply himself. Instead, he took the chopsticks in one hand and the cup noodle in the other. "Thanks for the food."
There would be no waiting for boiling water to cool here. He hadn't seen actual food in days, so he was going to eat. Prying open the lid, he gave the noodles a quick stir before digging in. A burnt tongue didn't bother him much anyway.
Oh right, but - after the first few mouthfuls went down - he'd forgotten to tell Emi about one thing. "I managed to access a telepathic link with the ghost while it was looking for you. Not enough to control it, but if I closed my eyes, I could see what it saw." (Slurp nom nom)
Emi turned to Eiji, a river of noodles dangling out of his mouth as his eyes bulged out of his skull.
"Whmf?!" An elaborate attempt to slurp up the noodles commenced, punctuated by some sputtering and a few coughs in his haste. "Holy shit--" he wheezed. "That's incredible!"
A quiet chuckle managed to escape from Eiji, soft and amused. Quite a spectacle Emi was making - and among just the two of them, in private, it was a little like they were kids again.
"Yeah. It was... definitely odd." The demi-human slurped up another mouthful of noodles, then added, "Would've been better if I could drive its body. Maybe if the link was stronger."
Just the sound of Eiji's little laugh had Emi's eyes scrunching up in warm glee. He shifted his whole body around closer from his cross-legged position, rapt attention entirely on Eiji as if he were the most important thing in the room.
Which, you know, he was.
"That's still rad though," Emi exclaimed now that he had successfully avoided choking on his own noodles. "That might mean you're getting better with it...?"
"I don't know if it'd work in every instance." Eiji lowered his cup noodle so it rested in his lap, and wiped his mouth against the back of his hand. The spice was starting to make his nose run as the heat burned in his throat. Not unpleasant, but he needed a quick breather to let the kick die down.
The words came a bit slower now, more thoughtful. "But if it takes being honest with what I want..." How often would that actually happen?
So it might have been a skill born from desperation. Emi nodded, scooping up another bite and nibbling the noodles up thoughtfully. That made sense in a way, since it seemed like the ghost itself seemed like a power move kind of deal.
Finishing his current bite with a slurp, Emi licked the remaining broth from his lips. "That takes practice, I guess... At least there's another concrete goal to work towards."
Eiji watched him with an air of uncertainty. It still felt... futile, frankly. Like diverting a river, with the added discomfort of acting against his nature. But if it was to gain a powerful asset...
He frowned. "So what am I supposed to do?" Like, in tangible steps.
It was a topic they kept dancing around, narrowly missing all the prickly barbs that came with it. Most of them, anyway. There were definitely some that had stung in previous conversations. Emi hummed a bit, gently tapping his fingers against the warm cup in his hands.
Explaining something that just seemed like second nature to himself was tricky. Emi found it hard to be anything but honest-- at least in private.
"Well... what do you think honesty is? In your opinion." They could both look up the definition in a dictionary, but when it came to personal practices... Everyone held it a little differently.
"Honesty is..." Eiji's brows furrowed in thought. Idly, he chewed on the tips of his chopsticks as he considered this question - it was more complex than it first appeared.
Eventually, he came up with, "Speaking your mind on your principles and... your sense of reason. And acting only on what you've thought out to be the right course of action." Emotions and acknowledging your own desires sincerely need not apply.
The other teen nodded along with the explanation. It was a pretty sound reasoning. If that was all that was to it though, Eiji shouldn't have been having all the issues he was having.
"I'd agree with most of that." Emi took another thoughtful nibble of noodles before he continued, moving his gaze back to Eiji.
"But can you say that the right course of action-- and I'm definitely saying they're the right thing to do in this. But was it always the option you would prefer?"
Eiji didn't reply immediately, but when he did, it was a stiff, re-enactment of his usual stifled reasoning. Muttered while staring into what was left in his noodle cup, the demi-human could only dully ask, "Why would I prefer something that wasn't the right course of action?"
Even now, he was too trapped in the cage of his own rationality, despite the lack of confidence in his voice. He'd never let himself even consider what he preferred emotionally when making his past decisions. Or if he had, it was only through a lens that could somehow justify it through a contortionist's knot of logic. As such, nothing came to mind...
Bingo. The response didn't surprise Emi in the slightest. He kept careful watch of his friends' expression, knowing full well that the only examples that he had to answer that question were sensitive subjects. It was that very sensitivity that made them the only ones that could work, as far as Emi could tell.
When he spoke again, it was frank and devoid of any of the resentment that Eiji might have feared would be there. However much they might have shaped him, Emi knew the logic of the facts. He just wanted to help Eiji understand.
"Leaving me behind was the right thing to do," Emi stated. For which time, he didn't specify. All of them? "It was absolutely the correct course of action."
"But I don't think that's what you wanted." He hoped not, anyway.
To this, Eiji only had silence. The cup-staring had grown more sullen now - face strained in a look of conflict, jaw tightening without realizing it. Even his grip had gone rigid.
What he wanted in those situations... was it even possible for him to say that he wanted to stay with Emi? No. Of course not. Because he knew, intrinsically, that staying would've meant losing him. How could he ever wish that, just to have the momentary gratification of having a comforting presence a little longer?
It was a fantasy, to think that he could have Emi at his side without risking him. It was beyond his ability to indulgently imagine so far out of the realm of fact.
"I wanted... things to be different," he said at last, quietly. He wanted a different road for the both of them to walk down, together...
Emi moved, scooting himself to sit closer to Eiji's side. There was a small whiff of how clean he smelled, all freshly scrubbed from the shower. The t-shirt was too big on him, making him seem that much smaller as he quietly opened up some of those silent vulnerabilities. Emi gently leaned his shoulder against Eiji's, offering whatever Eiji wanted to take.
"I did too. They will be," he assured him firmly. They were building that road with their own hands, and Emi wasn't going to let anything happen to it.
"As far as I can tell, being honest with yourself is knowing what you want, but understanding you won't always get it. Trying to deny something exists just turns it into a time bomb you can't control."
"So I have a time bomb," he mused darkly. Something dangerous and uncontrollable - that seemed to define his ghost fairly well. Knowing that and having to acknowledge it as an extension of himself, that was. Frustrating. Considering how much the demi-human took pride in having self-control.
Eiji's expression fought against the grimace that tried to surface onto his features - not entirely succeeding - before he simply fell back to shoving more noodles into his mouth.
When he finished off the last ramen-y dregs from his cup, Eiji wiped his mouth again and glanced away. For a moment, looking like he was debating on what to say - with a tint of shame in his eyes. And while he tried to make the words as clinical as possible in tone, it wasn't hard to tell what emotion he was holding back.
"...I missed you. That's why my link with the ghost was stronger. We both... missed you." Heart and mind.
They had wanted the same thing, he'd said. Emi had assumed it was warmth and safety but it had been...
Him.
Emi swallowed hard, almost uncertain that he'd heard him correctly. The racing in his chest assured him that he'd heard Eiji just fine. That was all it took to get him going, it seemed. He was supposed to be keeping up those bits of distance between them that kept them comfortable friends. That was how this worked out, he knew that. What he didn't know was how he was supposed to do that when he felt close to bursting.
"Eiji..."
He'd never considered himself someone that could be missed, but here they were. The remains of his ramen were set aside.
Moving on the impulse his entire body was yearning for, Emi turned and carefully wrapped his arms around Eiji's middle in a loose circle to draw him in. Maybe this was too much. Maybe it wasn't enough. His arms had been ajin-less for too long, and Emi didn't know what else to do with this feeling.
Ah... The stiffness that normally accompanied such an enveloping gesture had ebbed away, momentarily forgotten in the wake of all those lonely nights. Eiji's body sagged against the sudden embrace, relaxing as though he was breathing out a heavy sigh. For the first time, what used to be an uncomfortable, smothering gesture actually felt comforting. It carried with it the promise that he'd always be kept safe.
He really had missed his touch.
Letting his head rest in the slope between Emi's neck and shoulder, he had nary a thought for how this might affect the state of their friendship. What it was doing to the blond's infatuation had ceased to be a concern, greedy as it was. All Eiji knew was that he wanted this right now.
He closed his eyes and set down his styrofoam cup, letting his arms whisper all the thank yous and I need yous that he couldn't say as they settled themselves against the small of Emi's back - lightly holding him in place.
Everything had reached such a clamor between mind and heart that suddenly there was only quiet. Worries and hopes alike were set aside. For now, this moment was the only one that mattered. The memory of Eiji's weight was being written into Emi's skin. The warmth the demi-human had yearned for was burning strong, and it was all his, enveloping him. Keeping him safe. He was so soft and hesitant and wanting.
There was just the soft sounds of their breath. A soft shift of fabric as they leaned in to each other, shifted slightly. Calloused hands splayed supportively against Eiji's back, cradling his head. In the still calm, Emi could be honest with himself as well.
He loved him.
He loved him now in this quiet moment of fleeting honesty. He'd love him later when each careful wall was painfully put back in to place. He loved him in the wild of the woods, and he loved him in the softness of the morning. He'd known it, they'd both known it, but that word had always been elusive. Now that it had slipped into the spaces between his thoughts, he could call it by nothing but it's name.
I love him.
Emi leaned his head against the other's, deeply breathing in the whole moment. They could stay as long as Eiji wanted. However long it took for him to feel content. It was all his for the taking.
But, Eiji mused as he dully opened his eyes, was it enough to make him different too? Maybe it took being apart from him, but he could feel the way Emi had fused into his life - his smile had become part of routine, and his careful touch just another daily habit. They all fit in that comfortable groove he'd carved out for himself, made in his shape.
This, now, was simply settling him back into place.
It was a need he'd never required before, Eiji noted. All those other times he had cut Emi out of his life, he'd done so without the slightest feeling of loss. Not in the act, and nary a time afterwards. It was... disconcerting, having to acknowledge the fact that some part of him was no longer complete on its own. By definition, it meant he - the Eiji part of the equation - was lesser somehow. Attached. Dependent.
It was difficult to place whether he was supposed to feel glad over this. Even if he had something to gain from it, Eiji couldn't help the unease building in his chest. How could he stay pragmatic and logical if there was a seed of irrationality growing inside him? How far was it going to spread? How was he even supposed to reconcile its presence when he'd spent all his life fashioning himself to be something that resisted it on principle?
The demi-human's arms finally loosened, slipping from their place as Eiji carefully undocked himself from Emi's embrace. This wasn't something he could uproot on his own, he realized. But...
For a moment, his dark red eyes locked onto gold, lacking all his usual sharp edges but still searching, probing.
...It wasn't the same. Whatever climate had settled in his chest, it didn't match the eruption of sun and warmth that Emi felt, thinking of him. Well... it was only natural. Good. That meant it hadn't taken roots deep enough to make him stupid.
And like that, everything that was Eiji fell back into place. "I'm going to brush my teeth and pass out," he announced quietly, shifting his weight to stand up. He'd throw out what remained of the cup noodle, too.
He wasn't different yet. And sadly, the response he felt was a distant, shameful sense of relief.
I don't think there's a point anymore. Just because they're the ones that asked, doesn't mean they're the only ones who think so. Trying to get everyone back on that page is probably impossible.
[.... But that's not right at all. He just slapped his own face and felt the sting, so he knows he's awake. If it's not another installment of his sweet dreams, then that could really only mean that something weird happened again. What spirit had cast such a strong shade over Eiji that the other boy felt compelled to write to Emi about it?
His chest burned with such an earnest hope that he was already starting to feel the weight of grieving disappointment approach. It was already too late to tell himself not to get fooled, but at least... maybe he could curb the damage.]
[It had taken a while for Emi to get back to him with a reply... not that it was surprising. This was probably a lot to consider - and it was very reasonable to assume that some magic might have turned his mind. Hopefully this would ease that suspicion.]
Yes, I'm fine. Nothing unusual has happened today either. I'm writing with a sound mind.
[Getting it over with was the better decision, seeing as Emi's focus on literally anything else had been entirely shot to shit. He'd pace around, reread that Key Point of the exchange, and then pace around with even more intensity. At some point an intervention was staged when Mr. Bo shoved Emi out from the bar because all that pacing with such a brooding expression was just bad news.
He shouldn't have kept reading it but he kept reading it. Over and over as he screamed to the internal heavens.
[Around 15 minutes later, Eiji arrived at the Boar's Nest, looking... well, completely normal. Every bit his distant, sharp, analytical self. He felt a little uneasy, but that was typical of Change. At the very least, he could still be assured that his logic held merit, and that reassured him enough to go through with it. Emi would understand. He'd see it from his point of view.
His eyes traveled to the bar first, where the blond would normally be working, but he wasn't there. Um? Thankfully, Mr. Bo was kind enough to point him to the table where Emi was taking his break.
Okay. Not that... he was nervous, but deep breaths anyway. Calmly, he walked over and pulled up a seat for himself across from Emi.]
[They had been some of the most tortuous minutes of his life.
When Emi registered that he was no longer alone with his thoughts he glanced up. His gaze was so much sharper than normal, golds intensely probing and searching the other boy in front of him for anything that might have seemed out of place. If this was another case of magic fiddling, someone was going to be very, very sorry that they had fiddled. He'd had more than enough of that, thank you.
... It didn't stop his expression from softening somewhat as Emi watched him though, with tentative curiosity. It still felt too much to dare to hope but... This! This was the problem!!]
[Eiji folded his hands across the tables, fingers twisting in conflicted knots. He had his explanation all neatly lined up, but... but somehow getting the words to actually form on his tongue was proving a little trickier. For a moment, his gaze lowered, falling to the table.
This felt incredibly silly. And yet, its necessity spurred him to continue.
Come on, Eiji, You could be impartial about this, even about this. With a small click of his tongue, he dragged his eyes back up to meet Emi's, ever composed.]
I've been deliberating this for a while, and after assessing our current state of affairs, I came to the conclusion that a romantic relationship has the potential to benefit both of us better than our current positions.
Obviously, I know... your feelings in regards to me. Saying that your morale would improve is pretty much a no brainer, but so would your overall well-being and performance. And as I have a vested interest in all these things, naturally I'd favour this outcome.
But, on the matter of my feelings... On a purely empirical level, I can say with certainty that I can't match the depths of what you feel. However, this fact alone isn't grounds for disqualifying the consideration for a relationship. At least, that's what I think now.
[In a moment of entirely inappropriate reactions, Emi slipped into a soft round of laughter.
This was... ridiculous. Ridiculous and so, so Eiji. The moment he had mentioned how a romantic relationship could benefit the both of their positions, the heavy weight of worry had lifted from his shoulders. This was the boy he loved with the sound mind he proclaimed.]
Here I was, worried someone slipped you more chocolates.
[But they hadn't. Which meant that this was. Exactly what Eiji said it was. This was a day that Emi had simply assumed would never happen happening. Emi leaned forward a bit on his seat, resting his hands just near Eiji's. His expression had grown immeasurably soft, fondness touching every corner.
There was still a tick of hesitation rooted in his thoughts however, because as much as this was some bizarre miracle defying everything he thought would happen, there were still details he couldn't ignore. The whispers of his own-self doubt were ever present, and with all the evidence of care that Emi had watched build up for someone else over the past few months...]
I think you're right? Depths don't need to match, Eiji, we're not in a care-a-lot competition. But are you... [Emi paused, a fidgety tap on the table as he worked through the hesitation.]
[The only sign of Eiji being taken aback by the question as a raised brow pointed in the blond's direction. It seemed a strange shift, considering all the caring touches, nighttime embraces, gestures of affection - and now Emi was asking if he was all right with him? As though his ability to tolerate him was in doubt?
Sternly, in the same tone that one might say, don't be stupid, the demi-human stated:] Of course I am.
I wouldn't consider the proposition if you weren't involved. Emi...
[His brows furrowed as he chewed on his inner lip, trying to figure out how to put it into words. After another deep breath to center himself, Eiji forced out the words:]
I care about you more than anyone else on this island.
[Lingering feelings of [...?] aside, it was different when the arrangement wasn't mutual. Every touch and affection was something given as freely as a morning greeting with the understanding that Eiji could simply walk away. The understated thought shadowing the back of his thoughts was that he should walk away, before Emi could hold him fast and just... not let go.
It took a moment for Emi to force himself back out of the old mentality to see this for what it was: Eiji being honest. What benefit was there to not be, in this situation?
He was dying, but in the best way.]
Eiji...
[He crossed the gap between their hands, carefully brushing his fingers over Eiji's. The tactile sensation was potentially a ploy to detract from the color that was starting to creep across his face, but Emi wasn't sure it was going to work. This felt like too much all at once, and Emi bit his lip to keep it all from spilling out pre-emptively.]
If that's the case, then you already know my answer.
[Of course. He hadn't expected anything else, not from Emi. As the other boy's fingers gently grazed his, Eiji's tightened, gripping each other in tense concentration.
No, the problem was always going to be himself. He could feel his pulse underneath his skin, beating fast as he stared down the precipice of change. Eiji lowered his head, gaze falling to their hands - to Emi's, reaching out to him.
This is what he had decided on, he reminded himself. There was no point to feeling anxious. There was only the doing.
Eiji gathered up his determination, focusing it into the core of him as he steeled his voice. And while it sounded like he was equally trying to justify the endeavour to himself as much as he was explaining it to Emi, he was firm in telling him:] I did not come to this conclusion because my feelings directed me towards it. I am not my feelings.
This is a choice I made, to pursue a risk that I've judged to be worth the cost. So...
[Like stiff, awkward things, he unlatched his fingers from each other and placed them over Emi's - with all the grace of a wooden mannequin. There was no part of his movements that weren't uncertain, but they moved all the same.]
[There was no point in arguing that one could make informed decisions based on feelings. It was neither the time nor the place, and honestly it was just... Eiji being Eiji. Knowing how the other boy functioned, sitting down and carefully rationilizing that it benefited him most to step into the wild dance known as caring was that much more poignant.
His actions may have been clunky and awkward, but Emi was there to meet him every step of the way. It was not a one-sided affair. At least, it wasn't anymore. It was those small efforts that tipped Emi's emotions over the edge.
Emi smiled warmly at him, metaphorical tail wagging at the speed of light.]
[Eiji gave the barest of nods, but his air softened into one of satisfied approval. There was almost a smile in his eyes, even if he kept his gaze glued to their overlapping hands. He could hear how brightly Emi was glowing from his voice already, looking up would just be excessively mushy - it ran the risk of being so embarrassing that he'd have to rethink this whole thing entirely.
But it was more relief than he was willing to admit, knowing that this was going smoothly. He didn't know what resistance he'd have to face from Emi, but seeing as it was minimal... that was good.
So: to business, and ironing out the details of this arrangement.]
Is there anything additional you'd need out of me now that this is official?
[If Emi had increased expectations now, he'd like to know...]
[It shouldn't have, but the business contract approach caught Emi a little off guard.]
Huh?
[or maybe it had been the prospect of 'anything additional' that had tripped him up. Certain daydreams aside (that had been firmly established as Never Happening), Emi had barely ever dared to contemplate what it would be like for this reality to come to pass. He hadn't really given relationships in general any thought considering... Everything.]
Uh...
I mean I already hold your hand and kiss you sometimes so I guess... It'd be more of that? [SHRUG.] If you want to, anyway. I figure we could just feel things out but... [Emi tilt his head, giving Eiji a considering look. That wasn't much his scene so:] Was there, uh, anything you were expecting out of me?
[It... was true. Most of the basic ground was already covered pretty soundly already. Eiji raised his head to think on it for a short moment, hmm-ing in consideration of their strengths.]
Well, I think you should continue being the one to plan excursions, since I don't really have an eye for that. [Dates were considerably far from Eiji's realm of expertise.] And I'll need you to keep helping me control my ghost. We'll have to find some new training ground, too.
[Emi wasn't sure how good at actual dates he'd be, but he felt confident in the knowledge that probably Eiji didn't want anything fancy anyway. Just doing what they were already doing and taking the other boy to places he thought were neat would probably suffice. They still had a picnic to go on and everything. Emi nodded along.]
Of course, i'd wanna help with ghosts still even if we weren't going out. We could even go scope out new places on a date. [he grinned.] We'd be so efficient and multi-tasking.
[Eiji couldn't hide the fact that his face lightened up at the mention of efficiency, smiling a little in amusement. It was a perk, for sure, but he was more tickled hearing Emi talk that way - like he was trying to speak Eiji's language to appeal to him. It was hardly necessary, but maybe that was why it was kind of funny.
It did relax him, though. Enough that when he glanced away again, it was less anxious and more to the tune of being bashful.]
That's true... [He sucked in a sharp breath through his nose, before slowly letting it out. Don't get distracted - focus on the goal, Eiji.]
This'll be a good experiment. We can see how differently it acts.
[He had to admit that he was definitely curious about that himself. It felt a little silly to think that he would have had that much impact on Eiji's relationship with his ghost. And yet, it was more or less a fact by this point that the ghost was fond of him...
... Because Eiji was fond of him? It was a connection he'd never really let himself dwell on, until right then. Emi's smile grew unbidden, the warmth filling his face feeling more like a pleasant buzz.]
Yeah! I'm sure it'll appreciate a chance to stretch its legs too.
But Emi could be allowed his enthused curiosity. It was a good foundation to build off of, when so much of this decision had been based on the potential benefits it could bring to his ghost. Tangible gains, he reminded himself, before he could start to second guess this whole venture.
It was already bearing some fruit, at least, seeing how happy Emi looked in his adoration. Of the possible results, this was easily the most achievable, but the demi-human allowed himself to feel at least a little pleased.
With a business-like nod, Eiji met eyes with his... ugh, 'boyfriend' felt like such a juvenile term. Partner at least felt a little more comfortable as a title, but it implied a commitment that he wasn't sure was there yet. This was just an experiment, he told himself. For now.]
[Clear as they could be in the kind of relationship they had. Emi honestly couldn't say he knew how much would change (which in hindsight made all those relationship questions make a bit of sense), but he supposed that was part of what made this seem like a comfortable step to take.
He felt lighter though, lifted up with a giddiness he hadn't been anticipating. Meeting Eiji's eyes, Emi's lifted with that happiness and he turned his hands so they could touch palm to palm.]
Let's see where this takes us.
[His warm fuzzies were interrupted by the distant sound of an uproarious cheer from the other side of the restaurant. Ah, right. He was at work and was... technically supposed to still be working. How long had he been on break? Emi clicked his tongue, but he couldn't drop the smile Eiji had put on his face.]
I should get back to work before I gotta take onion room shifts too.
[This seemed reasonable. Eiji nodded again, and slid his fingers out from between Emi's. Palms down on the table, he pushed himself out of his chair to stand.]
All right. I'm going to make dinner.
[Which was... incredibly domestic already, it occurred to him. Something that a housewife would do. But that didn't change the fact that it was still practical, he told himself. Whatever needed doing, right?
He'd let Emi deal with whatever ruckus was going on elsewhere. For now, the demi-human simply got his things and prepared to leave.]
Yeah. [It came out soft, humbled.] I won't be too long.
[Emi got up from the table, knowing that there were probably orders of rounds approaching from the victorious crowd the moment he stepped back behind the bar. There were things to do! Happy patrons to get drunk.
But he wanted this moment to last just a little longer and soak up every last drop of its warm glow. He paused by Eiji's side while he was still in his seat, leaning his palm on the table and swiftly swooping in.
Farewell kisses got to be the new norm, didn't they? He sure hoped so, cuz he was pressing one tenderly against Eiji's cheek. He was still smiling as he pulled back.]
I'll see you at home.
[Emi gave the table top a light pat, bouncing back on his heels to practically skip his way back to work.]
It had stung a bit when they discovered that Ethan was gone again. An uncomfortable ache had been left in Emi’s chest that he couldn’t wholly identify. Loss, certainly, but more than he had anticipated. They’d gotten used to him being there and filling the room with sound. He might not have said anything, but Emi knew the other ajin felt something similar. The quiet was different. But when Emi would slip his arms around him, Eiji would still tuck up against him and that was all he needed. They’d be alright.
It just meant that in his absence, Emi would have to take extra care at the farm. No one else tended to the horses the same way Ethan had. What did it matter if they were safe from storms if no one was sharing the same amount of care Ethan had? So Emi would stay a bit later in his farm shifts, like he was today, making his way through the horse fields to check on them.
Much to his delight, Crash trotted over to him right away when he noticed the blond. He must have been doing something right then, he thought. The horse bumped heads with him and Emi laughed, reaching up to stroke the beast’s neck. Maybe one of these days he could convince Kei to come out and see them.
The laughter died in his throat and his world went silent.
The name bled through his memories, filling each nook and crevice of his thoughts until it was a mystery how he had ever forgotten such a thing. There was all the sharpness he had struggled to remember, the edge that had felt like home on his tongue. He’d always liked it, Kei. Liked how it sounded, liked how similar it made them when Kei would call him--
Call him…?
His breath rattled in his chest, realizing it was just one of two. There was a nudge at his cheek, and Emi stared at the horse in front of him. “I’m sorry,” he blurted, taking a step back.
Then another.
Then he was running, as hard and as fast as his legs would carry him.
It didn’t make any sense. He could only think of one reason why, and it didn’t make sense. This wasn’t the plan. He’d just been with him hours ago, pressing a chaste kiss to the demi-human’s temple as he grumbled at him from their futon. Have a good day was his quiet farewell as Emi reached the door, and Emi had laughed. I’ll see you later.
They were supposed to stay here. They were going to figure this out together. Pay off their debts. Start over here. If it didn’t work out they’d go somewhere else, both of them. Wherever Kei went, Emi would follow, so it didn’t… it didn’t make any fucking sense.
It didn’t register when he’d made it to his door. His lungs were on fire, chest heaving with each labored breath he took. Whatever thoughts he had were suddenly a jumble of white noise and the single high pitch of sound that cut through it all as he stared wildly at the nameplate on the frame. He dimly registered the anxious meow that came from the door at the back of his mind. Truffles was on her own and--
‘Eiji’ had always sat nicely above Emi’s name. He’d liked it, that their names had still sounded so similar. It had always made him smile a bit to think about it.
‘Emi’ sat alone, the only smile in sight.
When he opened the door, the pretty scottish fold was immediately winding through his legs, trying to vy for his attention before anything else in the room could. The radio he had fixed was still softly playing. Their things were still there. The sun was shining brightly through the window, mocking him with how happy everything seemed, as if Kei had just gone out for a walk. As if things were just on pause. As if his hands weren’t trembling as he sank against their futon, heart breaking in his chest.
Something like this was always going to happen, he knew that. It’d been something he’d been bracing for. He’d thought he’d be ready when it all came falling down. He hadn’t thought it’d fall down like this. Even if he had no one else, he was supposed to still have Kei.
Summer again his thoughts echoed as Truffles butted up against his chest. Emi laughed to himself before his throat felt thick, and he buried his sobs against her fur.
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
Late August, after blanket forts
I told you to be careful of]Sorry I snapped at yYou shouldn't]I didn't realize you knew Kaneki
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Yeah. Small bath house, eh.
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run into him or something...
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Why??
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He's my roommate
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is that bad? Seems like he'd be quiet
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It'sHe's a complicated person
He's agreed to look out for me though, so I can finally go back to the dorms now...
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that's good
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I had to tell him some things about ajin to get him to sympathize, but I don't think he'll tell anyone
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Well if you think he's trustworthy... I'm glad you've got someone on your side.
[someone clearly more helpful than he is.]
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Still...
be careful around him.
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Did something else happen??
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He can be a little creepy, that's all
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[Well, eating someone alive counts as being creepy, so... yes?]
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whatever, probably not
I'll keep it in mind, i guess.
[so not at all.]
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Ugh whatever, he didn't say they couldn't talk or anything. Just... don't get into any shit with Kaneki.
You can almost hear the sigh in his handwriting.]
Good enough...
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So. Back to normal then?
[as normal as it was between the two of them.]
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back to normal
[As normal as it ever got for them now.]
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HA HA after guilty bulletin posts
Yes give them to me
huffs
Can I come to your room?
I'm the greediest don't u kno
[Conveniently.]
Door's open.
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From his silence, it was clear that he had no idea how to begin this conversation.]
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Hey.
[You could start off by saying hello, Eiji.]
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Hi.
...I should've talked to you sooner.
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S'fine.
[He scooted over to the edge of the futon, in case Eiji wanted somewhere to sit, but he wouldn't have been surprised if the other boy decided to stay over there the whole time.]
I'm not goin' anywhere.
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I know. ['And I take that for granted.']
It's not fair to you that I'm... ['like this.' Eiji bit his lower lip.] --that I said we shouldn't be friends here.
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Eiji... [He paused, licking his lips and wishing he knew just how much of which parts Eiji had seen of the inside of his head.]
I wouldn't have asked if I cared about what was fair. I didn't- I don't- want to be some burden you're saddled with just because I'm here.
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[The words came out too quickly, a reaction blurted out before Eiji could catch up with it. There was a pause as he stumbled, trying to make sense of his own impulses.]
You're... the one person I have to keep safe. And I don't know what that means. I've never cared about anything else like that, and that... scares me, a little.
I thought you'd be safer if you weren't associated with me, but I don't even know if that's true anymore. It might not even matter. If that's the case, then...
[Didn't that make all the pretending pointless?]
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Oh, Eiji. If only he'd known.
No longer content to sit, Emi was up and across the room in moments, carefully watching Eiji's face with bright eyes froma few steps away.]
I won't break so easy, y'know. I'm supposed to be keeping you safe.
... So we don't... Have to keep pretending, if you don't want to.
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He felt scared and inadequate and powerless, a little sick with the idea of opening himself up to be so vulnerable. Even hating the idea that he had such an Achilles' Heel somewhere in his heart just a little. But he swallowed it all down, packaged it in the form of a fumbling, unpracticed response that gave the air that he was willing to hope - even if in truth, he was far from happy.]
I'd... like that.
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It would have been so easy to let his hopes up if his throat didn't still itch a little from the other morning. Especially if that was... God if that had actually been Eiji... Emi felt the height of his cheeks burning slightly and he lowered his eyes.]
Are you sure? If it's just because of me...
[If he was the only reason, he didn't want it.]
Getting to be here with you is enough.
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No, it's not enough.
[It wasn't enough, and it wouldn't ever be enough until they both got their wishes granted. That was what he was determined of. There was no point in simply accepting their current situation as indentured servants to be ideal when they still had something greater to work towards. Eiji had to keep his eye on the prize.]
If pretending doesn't serve a purpose, then it's wasted effort. And besides, I...
['want to stop feeling guilty']
...I'd sleep better at night.
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... Well. That'd be good then. You kind of look like shit.
[Just to be frank and all. He hated to think that part of that was his fault, but all they could do was move forward from it. Move forward and... Hope for the best? Something like that. The only thing Emi was super sure of was that tiny, persistent warmth had sprung back up behind his ribs, alight with a tentative hope.
I want to
The thought didn't finish before Emi was crossing the steps between them and wrapping his arms loosely around the other boy in one (admittedly unpracticed) motion.]
I meant it when I said we're okay, Eiji.
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Deep in the pit of his heart, he wanted to recoil at the sudden gesture. It was new and different and intimate and it made him uncertain of what to do or say. Despite being a near universal display of care, there was nothing about it that felt comforting at all to him - just strange.
But he didn't recoil. He forced himself to breathe again. For Emi. Lamely, Eiji lowered his head to rest it on the other boy's shoulder. Was he ever going to not feel tired?]
I know, but...
I'm sorry.
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He hadn't needed an apology. Never expected one, never thought he was ever owed one. He hadn't thought the conversation was about this when he suggested it. Even if it had hurt, he had believed he had already forgiven him long ago. He had, really. And yet...
There was a sense of calm that came with it, as if he had found something that had been lost. A kind of validation he hadn’t realized he might have needed because he’d never thought to look for it.
Emi sighed softly against Eiji's hair.]
It's okay. You're fine, Eiji.
... Thanks.
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Feeling fatigue catching up to him, Eiji's eyes began to droop. With an obviously sleepy murmur, he began to pull away.]
I'm the one who should be thanking you...
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Nah. I'll take them, but I really don't need any.
[He didn't really think he'd done all that much. Giving Eiji's shoulders a little squeeze, Emi nodded his head towards his futon which was still all laid out and looking oh-so-inviting.]
D'you... Want to take a little rest?
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No, I'll just... get some coffee.
[It'd be fine, he was pretty sure. Nothing that caffeine wouldn't fix. He still had things he needed to do today, and taking a nap right now would just throw him off.]
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Sounds like a plan.
[Which meant... Eiji was free to go. He wasn't sure if there was anything else that the demi-human had wanted to talk about himself. There was something that was still bugging Emi, but maybe it wasn't the time to ask about it. They were ending this on a good note, but...]
Hey, Eiji...?
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Yeah...?
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Except, ah. That.. Probably had to do with whatever Eiji hadn't wanted to talk about. That was out then. But he'd spoken up so...!
So Emi gave an awkward shuffle of his feet instead, looking uncharacteristically shy for someone that was usually so straightforward and impulsive in his actions.]
... Could I join you for that coffee?
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Uh... sure.
[He turned to go without much else fanfare, trusting Emi to follow.]
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Cool.
[He was quick on Emi's heels, pausing just long enough to make sure his room was shut properly. He wasn't going to let this chance slip past- but, oh, they probably... Didn't really need to be chances anymore. It wasn't a chance, it was just a regular thing.
Falling into step next to someone was just something that people got to DO. Huh. Even if he was still going to keep that dream bit in the back of his head, this was… Nice. (and now he had the chance to make sure eiji didn’t pass out on the way.)]
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The demi-human stepped up to the counter and ordered from the lesser spirit in the kitchen.]
One coffee with cream.
[Sure, it wasn't fancy magic coffee like Selenite's. The spirits were mostly kind of mindless and their food was slapdash as a result, but it did the trick. He looked over at Emi, unsure whether he'd be ordering something too. Either way, they'd be waiting there a few minutes - though he wasn't sure what to say to pass the time while they were there.]
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He slid up to the counter after Eiji with a nod.]
Hi, could I get a coffee too? One sugar, thanks.
[Down to scoot next to Eiji, leaning up against the counter as they waited. He was more than content for companionable silences, but he supposed there was something else that could be addressed. He didn't quite look at Eiji when he spoke up, lightly tapping a finger.]
... That's my actual handwriting, by the way.
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Yeah, I put that together. Clever.
[He would've asked Emi why he bothered, but he could put together a theory. If he corresponded to Eiji with a different handwriting on the bulletin board, then no one would be able to link them together. He had to at least appreciate the consideration Emi had put into the act.]
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I wasn't sure it was you or I would've, you know, used the other one.
Guess it worked out anyway though.
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I guess you know me too well.
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Not quite. [Murmured with nothing but fondness.]
You're a work in progress, Eiji, but I'm learning more all the time.
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It was with an ache in his chest that Eiji realized he didn't want to see those gold eyes well up with tears again. (He wished he had that coffee already just so he could occupy his hands. Instead, he crossed his arms.)
The demi-human muttered in a low, careful voice.]
You won't like everything.
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[That was obvious enough. He already knew there was a lot he was missing, and it wasn't hard to guess that it hadn't been a long walk in the park. Those last few images of his nightare floated back through his mind, but Emi did his best to keep his gaze steady on the Eiji that was safe and whole in front of him.]
I don't think anyone does about anyone. But I don't have to like everything to like you.
[At that point there were two soft clinks as mugs of coffee were placed down on the counter near them. Ah, bitter distractions.]
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Trying to push that eventuality from his mind, Eiji hurriedly picked up his cup of coffee and took a sip from it, despite it being scaldingly hot right now. All it got him was a wince as he burnt the tip of his tongue.]
Guh...
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Quietly, he tucked it away into his 'things to observe' file. Detail: hasty when he doesn't want to deal with something.]
You ok?
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[Eiji had degenerated into grumpy muttering now, blowing on his coffee like it had just betrayed his fragile trust.
Mouth pain. Mouth pain was still one of his least favourite pains.
But as he stared into his cup, the demi-human echoed the words again under his breath - this time, directed to himself. If he repeated it enough times, maybe that would make it true.]
...I'm fine.
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You're fine.
[In more ways than one.]
post Oct 22 event
And as with all the soups, he brought it back to his dorm and placed a bowl at the head of Emi's futon. If the sound of Eiji entering the room didn't stir the blond, then him sitting at the edge of his mattress would. Either way, the demi-human made no sound - casting a careful eye over his friend's condition in silence.]
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He still looked several shades of rough, but he was undeniably on the mend.
Emi only stirred when the futon shifted, sleepily turning his head towards the demi-human. When he registered that it was Eiji (it was always Eiji), his sleep-rough voice murmured a quiet:]
Eiji.
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Remember, anything that happened to him at Koriko was Eiji's fault. Emi stayed for him, he was the only reason the blond was even in a position to get hurt so badly. He caused the loneliness that made Emi so attractive to the tsubaki spirit. His attachment to Emi made him a target for his shadow.
He was the reason Emi went to prison. He was the reason Emi's bike got crashed into a ravine. He was the reason Emi got wailed on by thugs with a baseball bat.
All of it added up to what felt like an undeniable truth. No amount of rationalizing could make it go away.
Eiji drew his knees towards his chest and folded his arms across them, kneading his fingers in restless anxiety. Voice dull, he stared at the floor and muttered the obvious:]
There's soup.
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Thanks...
[He didn't do anything about it quite yet, watching Eiji for a moment from under heavy eyelids. (When would they stop feeling so heavy? He was already sick of being so tired.) While he was undeniably glad to see the demi-human at his side, he didn't like the way he was drawing in to himself. That wasn't new of course, but there was something. More.
Well. He could understand. Reverse the scenario and he would have been beside himself.
The only thing to do then was to get better faster and appreciate what Eiji had been doing for him. Forcing himself to be a bit more awake, the blonde slowly but surely eased himself up into a sitting position, wincing only the tiniest bit as he did so.]
It smells good.
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[Eiji made no effort to move, keeping his eyes fixed on a whole lot of nothing. As usual, he had the spaced out look that always took over when too many things were going through his head at once. At least he wasn't so lost in thought that he completely stopped responding.]
I added some radish this time.
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But he paused in reaching for the bowl, carefully swiveling his head to look at Eiji again with something close to an awed expression.]
... You've been making them?
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But Eiji didn't want to hear any trite compliments for his middling skills. Objectively, he knew they were mediocre, despite his attempts at improving. He just wanted to be realistic.]
They're not the best, but I think I'm getting better.
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He greatly preferred the times he was There.
Emi took great care in picking up the bowl of soup, cradling the warmth in his hands. Eiji had taken the time to make this specifically for him. All the other ones too, he reminded himself as he bit his lip. That was. He was touched, and he felt warmer than he had in days.
He took a careful sip, the pink rising to his cheeks clearly just a side effect from the warming brew.]
Mm... oh.
The broth is pretty good in this one.
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I think the flavour got better once I started using a mix of leftover pork scraps, tendon and bone. I don't think that medically, drinking pork bone soup gives any greater benefit than any other kind of broth. There's certainly a widespread belief that ingesting nutrients directly from the bone will help immunize and strengthen your own body, but it doesn't have backing with actual science. It could largely be a placebo effect - though placebos on their own can actually be quite effective. Still, it should help reduce inflammation a little, and it's easy to digest - not to mention cheap to make.
[It was easier for Eiji to rattle off facts about soup than it was to actually confront what he was feeling. At least it kept him talking.]
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He smiled a bit around the bowl, sounding amused.]
ohh, now I know. [Sip.] The ginger's real nice this time too.
[In case he wanted to ramble on about the health benefits of ginger. Emi would prefer that to letting himself start to think about how Eiji had yet to look at him this whole time.
He paused.]
... Or. No, it's... not ginger?
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[He trailed off as the slow realization set in. Ah... It hadn't been a present for anything he had done during the chaos - it was something his shadow did. And now this was supposed to be helping Emi, huh.
What a joke. And to think, this was the best he could do for his only friend. Eiji went quiet again, mulling on the irony.]
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He was weighing the other boy down. This was weighing him down. All of this- the injuries, the stupid flower petals, all this sleep he couldn't escape yet. All because he'd been, what? Distracted? Led on? Fuck, he didn't know.
Even if he suddenly wasn't feeling that hungry, Emi made himself finish off the bowl before he set it aside, eyeing Eiji's side.]
... Thanks, Eiji. It means a lot.
I'm glad you're here.
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[Eiji suddenly sounded very small, and very tired. He was unconvinced - logically there was no way anyone would be happy with a friendship like this - and yet the idea of hearing a truthful answer still made him nervous.
Guiltily, he let himself peer back over at the battered blond from the corner of his eyes - as though trying to look at him from his periphery would somehow shield his vision from the worst of the bruising. But even that only lasted a moment before he squeezed his eyes shut again.]
You can't possibly be happy like this...
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[Like he couldn't lie, this actually sucked a lot. But he knew that wasn't what Eiji was actually getting at. It went past this. Emi frowned a little, looking down at his lap. There were no hands to hold, but he reached out to gingerly hook his fingers into the hem of Eiji's shirt both for want of contact and not wanting Eiji to move any farther away than he already had emotionally.]
But I am happy being here with you. You're my best friend, why wouldn't I be? Even with stuff like this, you're... I don't think anyone else would have been able to find me.
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[There it was. The thing that was obviously gnawing on his mind for the past several days. Eiji sighed, a little annoyed at himself for fixating on something that he fundamentally could no longer change - at least, not without doing more damage.
Emi didn't hate him. He should've hated him, and in all honestly it would've been kinder to the blond if he did. At least then he could move on and make a better life for himself, make better friends.
If only he had any sense in that head of his.
When Eiji said he wanted to be friends again, he hadn't wanted this. To be weighed down with more guilt than before. To see Emi tortured within an inch of his life.]
...I keep hurting you, Emi. [That was an immutable fact.]
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[The response was hard and instant, Emi's fingers curling tightly on the other boy's shirt.
So that's what it was. Of course that's what it was. If he'd been a bit more conscious maybe he would have been able to nip this sooner but--]
This wasn't you, Eiji. I made mistakes. [He had liked what he heard and was an idiot.] Shit happened. [Shit always happened.]
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[Because if there wasn't a cause, then that meant he really was helpless to do anything about it - and Eiji simply couldn't accept that. There had to be something he could do, something tangible and practical and within his grasp. If he didn't have that as a possibility, then what good was he?
Eiji's hands bunched up into fists, tightly clutching the sleeves of his uniform.]
I have to be able to do something about it, Emi. If anything happened to you, I'd...
[The words caught in his throat, but it was clear what he felt. Eiji would be devastated.]
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The blonde leaned over, letting go of his shirt to carefully resting his hand on Eiji's back, pressing his forehead against his shoulder. He swallowed, whispering back:]
... I know.
[He understood that helplessness all too well, being the normal guy that he was. Knowing that the only thing he had was to be there for Eiji, and yet this was all he gave him... It was frustrating and he hated that he was just doing the same thing to him.]
You came for me. That's... that's a lot, Eiji.
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[Honestly, that was harsh, but it wasn't undeserved. It was true that the demi-human had a track record for leaving Emi behind, but...
No. This had to stop. The other boy had done too much for him to deserve simply resigning himself to die. The demi-human sucked in a sharp breath, raised his head with a look of both worry and resolve in his eyes and forced his gaze onto Emi. His words were firm, insistent - reminiscent of the tone he reserved for telling people they were wrong.]
Don't be so stupid next time. You can't keep just... accepting that's okay. You're worth more than that. To me.
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[He trusted that Eiji would have been safe. Because seeing a trap and going at it anyway was Emi's deal. His very stupid deal, because that's what he was, and he couldn't refute that.
But he raised his eyes to sternly meet Eiji's, ignoring the swell in his chest that accompanied his words, speaking back with just as much certainty.]
Then you need to stop dying for my sake.
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That's called an 'acceptable level of risk'. It's different. I know what I'm doing, Emi.
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What do you think I think anything I do is? It's not different at all.
[The blonde swallowed painfully, hoping against hope that his point would get across.]
I can't stand the thought of you doing something like that for me. I hate being useless enough that you have to.
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It's not even remotely similar! You can't just discount completely different physical circumstances! Even if the Witch had the power to revive people, you could still get crippled for life. If there's an advantage to be gained by dying, then I'm the only one that can do it without consequence. Nothing that happens to me is permanent, anyway.
I can't possibly agree to take that off the table when we might need it.
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[It was the bite back of someone that knew that there were advantages to it. It was obviously a factor that could be useful. He could shut up when it was the only thing they had left but he couldn't just let it happen because it seemed like a good idea.
He probably had no idea what it felt like, to watch the life fade from his eyes. To see the one thing that mattered most just. Crumble. Over and over.
To feel it happening.
Emi pressed his lips together in a thin line as his expression grew distant, guilt shadowing his eyes. He let his hand fall away from Eiji's back, bracing himself on the futon.]
I felt it, you know. When you bled out.
[He took an uneasy breath, not quite looking at Eiji anymore.]
Every drop. The tree soaked it up so I... I couldn't stop it. It just took and took. I was everywhere so that's all I could feel. Just you slowly dying all around me and I couldn't... I could feel how cold you were getting because it was...
[Giving him part of the life it was stealing from Eiji. So was he the one killing him?]
I was taking it. From you. It was disgusting and I couldn't stop it.
Feeling you ebbing away, drop by drop. It hurt.
It hurt, Eiji.
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But on that first night, at the bottom of the ravine, when he first looked over and saw Emi's unmoving body... It felt like getting hit by a truck all over again. Desperation, pleading, guilt, anger - overwhelming even thoughts about his own safety. The pain was so wrenching, he knew he never wanted to feel it again. He couldn't let Emi die. That was why...
Eiji pulled his face away, again bundled in his little ball of thoughts. Was all pain equal? Could he really claim that he didn't want to cause Emi harm while still pursuing a path that knowingly hurt him? There were a thousand ways Eiji could justify his actions for the greater good, but none of them erased the fact that they continued to traumatize Emi.
And besides, the other boy had a point - in most instances, resetting didn't have to be a first resort, even if it was the most straightforward one. It was still a bad idea to die in front of strangers, and immortality posed its own unique risks. If anything, Eiji's priority should've been to avoid situations where dying was needed to start with. Simply having a tool didn't mean he had to use it.
After a long, ruminating pause - most of it spent in angry-looking silence - Eiji finally relaxed his posture and let his legs stretch across the floor. His hands, now resting in his lap, were still anxiously entwined together, but at least he seemed calmer. When he spoke, it was in a low murmur.]
...Fine.
You're... you shouldn't have had to feel that.
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S'not like you knew...
... I'm sorry I keep worrying you.
[He let his eyes shut, intending for just a moment.]
I just worry about you too.
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[It was everything else's, the world's. Society for casting them down as subhuman despite having done nothing wrong, driving them to desperation and turning a blind eye. Emi would've never been an outcast, and Eiji wouldn't have to be forced to constantly look over his shoulder, living in what would always feel like a fragile, ephemeral peace.
Eiji muttered under his breath, though out of care rather than spite,] Worry a little more about yourself, sometime.
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[If not for himself, than because Eiji thought he was more than that. Because he was easy pickings to get under the ajin's skin, if Eiji's own plans against himself were anything to go by. He vaguely had to wonder what else he had said was true, but he pushed that out of mind... Or tried to.
He was somewhat starting to fall asleep on Eiji's shoulder.]
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With a small sigh, he muttered to Emi softly, trying to gauge if he'd hear and react.]
Have you ever heard of the sunk cost fallacy...?
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Hmm?
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[Ah yes, an explanation that anyone was sure to sleep through. Eiji's voice at the volume of a low murmur certainly wasn't going to help keep Emi awake.]
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Mhmm...
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[From the way Eiji spoke, it was hard to tell if what he was describing was a good thing or a bad thing. It could've done either way. Rationally, it made no sense, and he knew it - but the truth was, people were equally ruled by the irrational. That was just as much a fact of life.]
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...
..... Mm...
[It was just unfortunate that Emi was just nuzzling a bit closer to Eiji's shoulder, fingers curled loosely in the hem of Eiji's shirt once more. His weight was becoming a presence as his breath drew deeper, slower. Sleep had crept up entirely, which made the conversation more of Eiji simply talking to himself out loud.]
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[Well. that was for the best.
With a small sigh, Eiji carefully shifted his body around so he could lower Emi back down to his bed, one arm around his back and the other cradling his head. Even if it felt like he'd accidentally shake the blond awake at any moment, he managed to gently lay him down.
Though... he wasn't entirely sure why, but Eiji lingered there for a moment longer, leaning over the other boy. There was so much about this picture that wasn't right - there was sno much he didn't have the power to fix. He hadn't meant for it to be this way.
Hesitant, urged only by the fact that Emi was unconscious, Eiji's hand hovered over Emi's face indecisively. It was a stupid little sentiment. Even considering it felt like a shameful secret. But this, at least, was one small, simple thing he could set right for the time being.
He let his fingers brush back Emi's frumpled, unstyled bedhead - just a little, and carefully, as not to irritate his injuries - until it resembled his old self a little more.
That done, Eiji rose up to collect the dishes, leaving Emi to his rest.]
OCT 25TH
it's noya
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hey
ever y t hing's gettin g better
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[But it's probably. A really weird time to be sleeping.]
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you sick or something
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im ok tho
are you ok ?
[Gotta make sure cuz he didn't remember seeing Noya that day at all.]
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what do you mean you got into trouble
wait is that why koriko's all messed up???
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shit happened
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what kind of shit what happened
[ oh my god did jurougumo do something ]
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[He is. Too fucking tired for this.]
im not writin g all this just
room 12 ok
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his name was still there, on a plate just under "raiden" outside the door.
it had him thinking about his new debts, and wondering if there was anything else he can work on to make it count— but for a brief moment this afternoon, he didn't mind a pause. it's been months since he's last seen emi, possibly an entire two seasons. had it been more? when he arrives at room 12, he gives a brief knock before sliding the door open, and peeking his head in.
not much has changed; perhaps he looks just a little bit taller if you squint, hair its natural dark brown with a cleanly bleached tuft of gold, spiked up— with simple gym shorts and a top that reads COURT TEMPEST, you can get a fairly clear idea of what he was doing before. even the muscles of his arms and legs seemed to have gained an extra tone to them, knuckles free from any previous wounds but fingers strapped with sports tape.
overall, he looks refreshed compared to how he had been just last week. now it just looks like the tables have turned. ]
Emi?
[ he takes the extra step in and beelines for the boy when he sees him, his messenger bag hauled over his shoulders. he brought some things with him, just in case. ]
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His hair was a fluffy mess on his head, having been unstyled for a few days now because what was the point? By now he was just a weird shade of pale rather then deathly, and the more minor of his cuts and bruises were mostly ebbed away. The most telling were still the ugly shades on his neck in nasty purples and greens, and the healing red rings around his wrists.
Yeah that was. Certainly some trouble he'd run in to.
He was sitting up kind of haphazardly on his futon when the libero buzzed in, and offered a tired raise of his hand.]
Hey...
[It looked like someone had had a nice vacation at least. That was good. Noya deserved one.]
You look good.
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it's been months since he's seen emi, and after he gives a light huff, he allows his limb slink away from him. he didn't remember anyone during that time. no one. it hits a mark and makes him look down, and on another hand, glad to actually be back.
because he didn't want to forget. and during the rest of his stay, he'll make it all count. so, with a quiet chuckle, nishinoya shifts, reaches over so his arm encircles over emi's back, his opposite shoulder earning a firm pat, holding there while the shoulders between them get pushed together. ]
—I missed you, man. [ so— surprise number one, nishinoya grabs for his messenger bag, fiddling through it to take out a tied plastic bag, dumping from it an array of energy based snacks, protein bars, beef jerky . . . you name it, all in front of them. ] This'll bring some color to your face. You need to look good too, right? You're not gonna like that.
[ while honest, it's said lightheartedly. when he needed it, emi lifted him so— here he is, with some of that energy back to return it to a person in need of some. ]
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But it was an entirely different weird feeling, to be missed. He was sure it had to have happened at least once, even if it was one of those unspoken things, but this was right there. Emi blinked at this amount of physical affection, blinked twice because it was just even weirder to be missed when he hadn't had a chance to even know Noya was gone.
God what day was it even.
But holy hell look at what the messenger of sports god had brought him. It was a convenience store buffet, all lined up for him. He muttered a quiet 'wow' in response, and then gave a short laugh.]
You're allowed to say I look like shit, man. But thanks.
[He reached out to thumb through the array of snacks.] Sorry I slept through your... entire trip? [THAT WAS SEVERAL MONTHS????]
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[ the witch had picked quite the time for him to go. he pokes through the snacks, gives a quiet hum. maybe he was going to be less discreet, but affection had gotten the best of him. ]
You look like a crumbled up piece of paper instead of shit, but I'm going easy on you. [ he takes a stick of jerky and points it at him. take the holy wand of dried proteins. ] What've you been eating, soup?
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[The other boy shook his head lightly, partly in amusement and partly because no, Emi was rather glad that Noya was not there for him. Too many people had already gotten involved in his idiocy for his liking, and who knew what else could have happened to him in Koriko?
He took the proffered food of the sporty gods and oh he could already smell the slight spiciness to it. Emi had to look around for any left behind soup bowls, but Eiji had always cleared them as quietly as he left them. Thus Noya got a confused stare.]
Uh, yeah? [Some of that shameful pink was creeping up his cheeks, but Emi pressed on fondly regardless.] My friend's been making some for me. [for him!!]
(1/2)
so here comes the surprise and silence of actually hitting the mark without meaning to. yer a wizard, noya. ]
. . . Really?
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smol crow uncle does not agree with your boyfriend's menu. ]
It's great that you've gotta friend taking care of you— [ a gesture to him! ] but if you just stick to soup you'll keep turning into a limp noodle! [ he lifts his arm enough to clap his hand against his bicep. ]
You need substance! Muscle for your muscles.
[ and with this, he's already opening some delicious jerky and handing it to him.
eat, my son. ]
Who's your friend?
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[Emi couldn't help chuckling at Noya's heartened appraisals. He was pretty sure the name of the game had just been making sure he didn't upchuck anything he was eating. (since the occasional flower still... happened. hrm.)
But he was feeling alright enough at the moment, so maybe a little piece of jerky wouldn't... hurt. Maybe if he just nibbled at it. It smelled really good though.
So he took a piece, attempting to be good and just. Nibble. As much as one could nibble on jerky.]
It's Eiji. I dunno if you'd know 'im tho.
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—No wonder it's soup, that guy's flimsy too! And I gave him coupons! [ with a click of his tongue against the roof of his mouth, he fishes for the remaining coupons that still existed there, and places them right by emi. now you have even more buy one meal, get one free at the boar's nest. ]
Here— And tell 'em to use it, you both need it. All you gotta do is send a fairy to them with an order and I'll deliver it. Deal?
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[Well, obviously, if he had given him coupons. (And 'flimsy' was honestly pretty on the money.) Continuing his minuscule nibblings, Emi reached over to pluck up a coupon and give it a look.]
How much meat are we talking here? [Because it was obviously going to be meat. But how much.]
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[ hands behind him to prop him up, he leans back, stretching his legs out, then using those hands to gesture in front of him more or less the size of a place mat. ]
Counting the side orders— Like rice and veggies. [ he gives a brief point to the coupon. ] With that, you get one free. I save what I can't eat and heat it all up later.
[ which is still really good. ]
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He nodded along with Noya's explanation, tucking the coupon away somewhere safe.]
That's smart. I'll see if my guts will cooperate with the jerky first and go from there. It'd probably make a nice "cool I don't feel like shit" celebration too, ha.
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So what happened?
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I think it was just for a day- but I don't even know what today is so who knows. A whole ton of spirits just went nuts. They were pissed and messing things up for everybody, not just us. Oh, but it was none of the spiders so don't... [Emi gave Noya a quick reassuring look, knowing where the other boy's thoughts might jump to, slightly shaking his head.] Didn't have anything to do with that.
So there was just.. a whole bunch of fighting and... [He trailed off a moment, rubbing the side of his neck in an uncharacteristically nervous gesture. He winced a little as he rubbed a touch too hard at his bruises, but it encouraged his words along.] There were weird clones or whatever of folks running around too, making trouble.
['Making trouble' made it sound so slight. Emi's face darkened, mouth pressed in a firm line as he clenched his teeth. God, he'd been an idiot.]
Ran into one of those. Then I guess I got kidnapped or whatever.
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and then he left, and then this happened. it was almost too much of a coincidence for nishinoya to take with ease, and the weight of guilt on his shoulders that he had caused even more of a mess for everyone, for friends . . . it made his stomach flip.
even with emi quick to reassure him-- nishinoya's overall air remains the same. there might have been relief, but it hardly lasts with little reason to, anyway. he looks at emi, observes his state, listens to him word by word, his body language. if there was one thing that the libero was good at observing, it was how people acted, reacted. a second of silent body language caught could mean a turnover on the court. he spent most of his entire athletic life on observation, even if he seemed more like a rowdy noisemaker (one would say otherwise when they truly see nishinoya in focus).
he decides: what was there to feel relieved about? only the fact that emi was alive and well perhaps, but other than that, there's no extra reason for relief. things still happened. emi still had gone through a hell all the same. he wasn't so interested in finishing that jerky anymore, and thus he swallows what he had in his mouth, forcing it down while placing the rest in his messenger bag, and pulls his legs in, until his knees cross.
he allows a few moments of silence before he speaks up, but not too much of that quiet stretches. ]
I'm just glad there was someone to get you out. [ he pulls his legs up now, to his chest. ] Your friend, too?
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Yeah...
[Thoughts drifting back to Eiji (and Chou, too), Emi's glowering expression softened considerably with immeasurable fondness. No one had had to show up, but they had. And if there were anyone that would have been able to find him amongst all those blossoms... He would. He did. Emi almost smiled a bit, the notion flickering on his lips before settling into something that was just calm.]
It was a tsubaki spirit. She thought we'd be good companions, so she tried to make me part of her tree. [He gave a vague shrug, not really specifying why she would have thought that was a good idea. Honestly, she hadn't been that terrible once he'd stop putting up a fight and let her talk.] Eiji found me though, before she finished, even though he... Well. Doesn't matter. He found me.
So I've just been sleeping for forever and puking flowers sometimes. It's. Definitely a way to pass the time.
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it makes nishinoya think back, way back, when the snaps of webs and bursts of fire filled his ears, his vision an ugly blur but the remainder of his functioning senses still capturing the sensation of the other boy holding him, hauling him to safety. his shoulders slump at the reminder, and solemn he seems as his head tips forward to look at the snacks he's scattered across the floor. the way emi talks of eiji— the tempted quirk of lips that show at his mention— he misses kacchan. there isn't a single doubt that he does— it wasn't bad to be reminded, but to be honest . . . it wasn't completely good either.
with a hand dragging to fit right against emi's shoulder, he squeezes. ]
I don't need to tell you to take good care of what you got there, but. [ emi probably knows just how important it is, anyway, but— his lips quirk in a happy yet melancholic way. he'd be dumb not to be happy for emi being okay, and having more friends that care, too. ] Take good care of it.
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... That was impossible though. He had yet to realize how much the other boy affected his expressions whether he was there or not. It just happened. It'd keep happening.
It was still happening, though now it was something somber as Noya squeezed his shoulder.]
Yeah. I am. ... As much as he'll let me.
[He wanted to say there was nothing to worry about, that Eiji was one of the most resilient people he knew. In many ways that was true, but it didn't stop Emi from worrying. It didn't stop it from hurting when things went wrong. Want to take care of him didn't mean anything when it was Emi causing the hurt.
Before he could start berating himself anymore, Emi gave a firm nod of his head and leaned over to lightly nudge the libero. The slight melancholy still lingered in Emi's eyes, but he figured it was time for lighter conversation for both their sakes.]
Whatever about my hot mess though, tell me what you've been up to.
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[ it's probably the last thing he'll say of it, fondly but surely missing something when it fails to spread thoroughly across his face. present tense, because he knows, for sure, unless the witch was that untrustworthy, that he was still alive. at least, he would be alive. nishinoya just doesn't know where or when. it was human to find yourself saddened, guilt-filled when thinking of the other party in a situation like that, but—
at least he'll be alive, he thinks. it's all that really matters right now, and he'd hate to feel swlfish all over again.
(looks like they had a lot more in common, huh— )
nishinoya takes his hand back, straightens himself up, with a mighty inhale of air and signature puffed cheeks to accompany, he leans forward to oblige. ]
We're just days away from Interhigh. We've been having practice matches and stuff, [ a gesture, both hands flicking over his head, ] getting used to those goddamn overhands.
[ interhigh . . . here come the nationals already. it's been almost an entire season he's been gone, condensed into just a few days. ] When do you think you'll be good enough for some diving?
[ wink wink, nudge nudge ]
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Months? Had Passed??? In days. And now. In days. A thing would happen. But Noya was here? But why.
Because the manga needs a few months emi calm down.He was trying to puzzle this out while Noya winkity wonkitied at him. Emi got caught in a flustered chuckle.]
Maybe a week, at least. I'm gonna have to relearn how to walk at this rate.
[Please let him stop sleeping he is tired of sleeping.]
But if Interhigh is in a few days shouldn't you... be there? I'm not sure I get how this going home thing is supposed to work.
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from crossing one on top of the other, his feet shift so that the soles of his sneakers are against one another. it was something that worried him a while back, but— with hands out ready to gesture and move with his speech, he starts. ]
Okay, so remember when you get here? You sign a contract and everything, right? When I left home the first time we had just gotten a spot for interhigh.
[ he puts a hand just under his chin, the other hand waving up and down. ]
When the Witch sent me back, it was like she stopped time over there or something, you know? I was back where I left off. [ hands clapping onto his knees, ] Time doesn't exist, man. When I clear my debt, I'll go back where I left off too, like nothing happened!
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He didn't, but god he almost wanted to.]
You go right back to where you left off. [A quiet echo just to solidify it. To remember. Had that been a detail in the contract he had missed? Emi swallowed, thoughts swimming.]
Does that get confusing? It's gotta with all the time spent away right?
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[ its like i never left, his mind reels, but at the same time there's more than one thing stopping him from speaking up instantly. for one, was the memory of koriko. gone, away in an instant like it never existed. it wasn't a particularly pleasant thing— because back home he went back to his everyday motions. emi never existed. kacchan never existed, and so forth. even if nishinoya has already been aware of the fact that he has to live and take care of all this to the fullest (because surely, one day, it'll all be gone), it might not be so easy for someone who doesn't know about it. it's where he gives a falter, looks back up to gather his words again . . . until he sees the look on emi's face. ]
. . . Hey, [ a hand on his arm, ] you okay?
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So he only allowed himself a moment of this introspection because he was with someone that had more answers than Emi did.]
Sorry, what were you going to say?
[It was important to know.]
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It's not confusing— not back home, at least. [ and with a brief, downcast gaze. ] You don't remember a thing when you go back. It's like Koriko never happened.
[ the look in his eyes, as well as his sudden quiet is also a sign that he too, felt a bit of his heart sink when he thought about it. it was impossible not to feel it. ]
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The thoughts swept by, bringing with them the reminder of what Emi had to lose. His fingers curled in his blankets again, the knowing of -this is everything you have echoing through the quieter parts of his mind.]
Well.
That sucks.
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It's the worst, Em. I didn't even want to say anything. [ he knows it is, for anyone that had gained something here, and while nishinoya had little knowledge of emi's current situation (other than knowing he was had been in prison— was he still in prison?), it doesn't stop the boy from still extending a hand to him. ]
That's way— it's more than important, to be here.
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... Yeah.
[His voice came out calmer, the knee-jerk reaction of panic subsiding slightly now that he could pick up that knowledge and hold it. If he could take a long look at it, get a feel for it, it'd undoubtedly still be shit but at least it'd be shit that he could anticipate might happen. A forced bout of nothing that he'd have to play catch-up after, like Noya was doing now. Thinking about going back to a time where he knew absolutely nothing about what was going on with his friend or anything else just made him feel heavy.]
Emi was quiet a moment before he spoke up again with quiet admissions.]
There's just a cell waiting for me. [And if it happened that he didn't get sent right back to prison, it was still a lot of nothing. It wasn't a home, even outside prison. There was nothing to go back to on his own. There'd only been one reason he hadn't just ditched the whole lot and started over somewhere else, and that reason was here in Koriko.]
All this... this is all I've got. [And it was more than Emi would have ever expected, so it was not a sad fact at all.] It's better to know what might happen so... Thanks. For telling me.
*that's WHY, not way, fingers why have you forsaken me
I bet that usually gets people to just . . . Give up on everything. 'Cause it isn't worth it or something.
[ he laughs a little, attempting to lift their weight to higher ground, on a lighter notice at least. he wasn't going to leave and leave them both in that gloomy state. ]
It's so worth it that even I catch myself thinking that I don't even want to leave anymore. [ he's caught himself thinking it hundreds of times, and he has family back home. friends, school, a high school volleyball team and championships waiting for him. hell, maybe he could go pro one day, some would certainly say he has the libero caliber to do it. and here he was, sometimes wondering if he were to pay off his debt— could he stay a little longer? ] I dunno if that's selfish as hell or what.
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[But he's got a little smile crawling back on his face, despite everything. It was the potential of losing things that was weighing him down, but the facts about what he didn't have? Those didn't bother him. Maybe on a bad day he'd be a little jealous of Noya having a choice, but right now Emi was firmly settled in the belief that a guy like Noya deserved to have the choice.]
There's nothing wrong with being a little selfish though. [Emi reached over to give Noya the pat on the shoulder this time.]
You've got something important. I don't think following that is bad, as long as you're doing what feels right, be it here or there.
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[ wouldn't everyone like a choice in the matter? nishinoya would. and honestly, he thinks most, if not all, deserve it in some way. a choice it what still makes them work to the bone to have theirs eventually.
a look outside a nearby window also proved that he'd have to get going soon, and thus, he gives a sigh, hand going to the other boy's head and giving a kind, charismatic (yet oddly gentle) ruffle through his hair. ]
Promise you'll take care of yourself? Might pass by after work again, so— [ he pats his belly. ] Get your stomach ready.
[ he's bringing food :) ]
after the event whenever you wanna fit it in!
But she was getting antsy. There had to be a way she could make sure to catch him awake, right?
Which was why Emi would find a note when he next happened to wake up in the middle of the day. ]
What do you like to eat with okayu?
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uh whatever's around i guess
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So, it wouldn't be very long before there was a light rap at Emi's door, and then Chou cautiously sliding it open. ]
Can I come in?
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He was more properly awake by then, one hand carding through his hair as he tried to focus on reading the book in his lap. His color was much better, and his bruises (save for the worst ones around his neck) were all mostly the pleasant shade of the yellowish green of healing. When he glanced over to the door it was with a fair amount of surprise once he saw who it was.]
Chou..!
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Slipping in, she came to set a bowl of the warm rice porridge near Emi's futon. ]
I went with umeboshi.
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Oh.
[The question from when he woke up came back to him as he just stared uselessly at the bowl of porridge. He didn't know how to process how it was making him feel, since it was simply making him feel too much. He suddenly felt very small and exceedingly undeserving of what was happening right now. All he'd done was get Chou mixed up in something that could have gone very badly and yet. When he first looked at her again it was with a slightly helpless expression, but just for a moment. He quickly steeled it into something closer to grateful, if still confused.]
Umeboshi's... Umeboshi's great.
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It's good for you, and it goes down easy, so I thought.... I mean, I've been wondering if you were eating well. Not that I don't think Eiji would take care of you! But I thought it would be better to just find out from you directly.
[ A pretty long-winded way to say "I've been worried," but she was a little preoccupied. There had been so many things she wanted to tell him on that awful day, and all this time to think about it had only made her thoughts multiply and get louder, knocking around in her head to the point of distraction. And now she didn't even know how to begin. ]
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Ha, he has. He's been making me soup.
[Said with a very fond expression, though it remained on his face when he smiled lightly at her too.]
This looks good though. Thanks, Chou.
[Then his brows furrowed a little and he looked back down at his hands, voice going a bit quieter.]
For everything else, too.
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Her throat felt tight, all of a sudden. It was her turn to look down at her hands, folded in her lap. ]
... Eiji took care of the most important part. Thank goodness, right? Everything I did was only natural. It was what I felt like doing.
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[There was a firmness to his tone now, because Emi wasn't going to sit and let the importance of what she had done go unstated.]
Nothing you did was natural. No one else would have shown up.
[Presented as the cold hard fact that it was, and Emi had no problem laying it out there. There was no reason to be bothered by it, it was just the way things were and he was fine with that. He was also certain that hardly anyone would have cared if he had just vanished, but that was something he knew better than to say.]
You did something really big, y'know?
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[ He really thought that way. Chou wasn't surprised, but it was a confirmation she hadn't wanted. She might not have ever been in the kind of dire straits they'd rescued Emi from, but his mindset was something she could understand too well.
Children could cry, and nobody would come. Hearts could break, and nobody would think twice of their owners. Loneliness was a fact of the world.
But, well. She was still wrapping her heart around the idea herself, but Chou had learned that it wasn't the only fact of the world. ]
Emi, you know.... I don't want you to get the wrong impression of me. I'm not some kind of heroic person, or even an especially generous one. But getting scared and wanting to do something when you see a friend in danger... that's a natural thing.
taking forever because I am too deep in feelings
It was nothing personal it was just... that was how it was.
It was everything else that stole his breath away, leaving only a cloudy sense of confusion and something tight in his chest. It wasn't the compulsion he had an issue with, that he understood perfectly well. He'd done that plenty of times and had enough objects slammed against his face to know that was a pretty verified fact. At least for him.
He had wanted to mutter that that sort of thing wasn't natural to do for people like him. People usually wouldn't. People wouldn't use that word in relation to people like him. But he sat on the words, biting the inside of his lip hard. It was easy to forget that he didn't have to play that role here. It'd already happened once before this, but that was hardly enough of an occurrence for Emi to really soak it in that maybe, just maybe, people would actually want to be his...
His...
Emi swallowed tightly, giving a minute shake of his head to try and clear his face from the heat present there.]
You don't have to do that for me. I don't want... [he paused, reconsidered] I can't bear the thought that my... that my friend is hurt because of someone like me so. You don't have to do that.
[He just looked about as lost as he felt.]
I mean you did it anyway and that's... Thank you.
weeps all over this thread
Oh no. Oh no. Had she overstepped and hit a painful nerve? Was he gonna cry?
She had come into this thinking she had some idea of how he felt, and maybe she did, but now she was realizing how little that made this any easier. Nobody had ever gotten all choked up when she declared them a friend before, and understanding what Emi was probably feeling didn't mean she knew how to respond. Was this the time to explain about how none of the girls she went to school with would talk to her all the way from kindergarten through middle school, and how her best friend had turned out to only see her as a servant, and how her mother was apparently pretending Chou didn't exist now? Or maybe it would be better to say something subtler, something soothing? Should she perhaps just thank him for agreeing that they were friends?
All wound up and at a loss, she latched on to the only part of what Emi said that was easy to address. ]
I--I'm not the one who got hurt though! That's you! I didn't get any kind of injury, not even a twisted ankle! It's actually really surprising!
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[It came out harsher than he intended, but even his intentions were fairly strong. Any other time, any other topic, Emi would have laughed about that a little bit. He knew how easy it would have been for something to happen to her though. Considering everything else that had gone to shit that day, let alone the fact that she and Eiji had to hike through the woods, it was honestly some kind of miracle that Chou had gotten out of it with just some worries.
If things had been even the slightest bit more normal, or if Eiji hadn't been there...
A look of resolve reached his expression, because while he still might have been figuring out what to do with friends, he was incredibly certain about what he didn't want to happen. Emi lifted his eyes to look at her with quiet sterness.]
What you did means a lot to me, Chou, I can't even tell you. But if something else happens I want you to be selfish, okay?
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But it suited him, this protective air, and there was something painfully nice about having that directed at her. For a moment, Chou just looked at him, with a softness to her gaze.
Then she closed her eyes and scoffed. ]
If you're gonna make me promise something like that, I might as well tell you to get rid of the openings in your heart that let spirits in.
[ Maybe she would try to be smarter if something like this happened again, but she knew now more than ever that she couldn't sit on her hands while a friend was in such danger. And if that friend showed as much care for her as Emi did, well, that just made it all that much more urgent. ]
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... You wouldn't be wrong to though.
[Those had certainly been a weakness to be exploited. Though if he thought about it, they might have been all the difference between wanting to be kept for company and just being used as food. Maybe that was a thought best kept quiet though, especially if agreeing meant he could prod Chou into not being reckless. There was only enough room here for one of them jumping into things.]
You work on being selfish, I'll work on being... [Vague hand gesture.]
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Oh! I guess I shouldn't say mean things to sick and injured people....
[ No actual apology happening here, though.
But when she frowned at him this time, there wasn't any force behind it. Just something like frustration, mixed with hesitation. ]
... Just being Emi is fine, I'm sure. But you should have more confidence.
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Tch I would have said be less reckless. I've got plenty of confidence.
[It was just a bit misplaced, maybe.]
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People usually don't. It's... different here, I guess.
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[ And since Emi just came out and said he was used to being disliked, Chou was emboldened. ]
I haven't known any of my friends for much more than a year altogether, but the openings in my heart have already started to shrink a little! It's true!
[ She slapped her chest for emphasis. ]
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There was a tinge of sadness in the smile he gave her, a little too much understanding.]
I'm glad to hear that.
[And he really was.]
I don't think I can be anything but myself though. Can't be all that bad if you like me.
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She could only respond delicately, seriously. ]
That's not.... It's not just me that likes you. I already know one other person who does, and there are definitely more that I don't know. I'm really sure!
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Chou, you don't have to worry, you know? One has always been enough for me, so I don't really care about the number.
Just having more than that is already a nice change of pace.
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[ Amazingly, she doesn't come right out and say "Did you forget what brought all this on?" but it's probably written clearly enough on her face for him to get the message. ]
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[A quiet murmur as his expression softened. He could have expected that based on everything else. Emi looked away from her, reaching over to lift up the bowl that had also been born of worry. He gave it a little stir to redistribute its warmth, watching that instead of her when he spoke again.]
She told you I had hoped, right? Things are already different so don't... you don't have to worry too much, ok?
[Because you both came, and it meant the world to him.]
I dunno what to do with worry worts so don't become one of those.
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A warm calm settled over her as she watched Emi poke at the okayu. Smiling, she gave a small hum of assent. ]
If you say so.
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I do.
[Finally scooping up some of the rice, Emi murmured a quiet 'thanks for the food' and popped the bite in his mouth to give it a try.]
Mmm.
... It's good!
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I'm glad! Next time, you have to tell me your favorite.
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Tellin' you, whatever's around is good. I only ever made the plain stuff so anyhing more than that is fancy to me.
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What, but that's not as much fun. I know how to make lots of things, so you should definitely go ahead and exploit me!
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Emi raised an eyebrow, gently jabbing the spoon in her direction.]
Oi. Watch who you're talking about exploitation with in a land of magical contracts.
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It's fine, it's fine. I already learned my lesson from the Witch's scam. I won't carelessly enter into any deals.
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Stared.
And decided that he just wasn't going to reply to that, shoving another bite of porridge in his mouth awkwardly. A chill wind swept through the room.]
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... Are you tired? If it's too much, don't force yourself to finish it.
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Mm, it's not that. Just remembering that you're really something else.
I'd be grateful for anyhing, really. Don't overdo yourself.
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But anyway, a hint!! Time to scheme some egg-dropped okayu for another day. She leans in a bit, grinning. ]
Don't tell me you're one of those guys who says he can handle anything. They always get found out!
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Ha, no. I know I've got limits, just haven't found them yet.
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Geez. You're the one who's really something else.
sometime mid/late decemberish
You've been taking extra shifts at your job
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Yeah??
[Sure he didn't say anything about it but. This was not? A secret??]
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You told me you'd make sure you wouldn't burn out
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yeah i did??
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there is
a unreasonably detailed timetable charting Emi's estimated work hours and his sleeping schedule, with notes such as 21 HOUR WORK DAY? and WEEKLY TOTAL: 19 hours of sleep jotted throughout.
There's even a graph. A graph drawn with very angry lines.]
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When did you do all this??
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Even you have to have known that this kind of schedule is too insane for anyone to handle long-term. What were you thinking?!
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I'll give you that week was a bit crazy, but otherwise it's not much different from what I'm used to so
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[That's all it says.]
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You need rest to function efficiently, Emi.
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Do you even take your breaks at work?!
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When I need to, yeah.
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Meaning if I had never messaged you, you'd still be working
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We're slow right now so I'm hardly working anyway.
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poi-Why'd you suddenly take on so many hours anyway?! You weren't working nearly this much a month ago, but suddenly you're
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Well It was slow for a bit cuz the farm shifts are mostly done for the season, but I've got stuff to make up for so.
[Not to mention the adjustment to his contract, but he was fairly certain that the knowledge of that would do more harm than good.]
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...
After a long pause, Eiji's scrawl was notably more timid in its plea.]
I don't want you to
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alright. i'll figure it out.
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That's not good enough
I'm planning your schedule now. Your shifts go through me. You're going to tell me how many hours you want per week, and I'm going to organize your workload, including required rest periods.
And, in case you conveniently forget to eat, I'm including scheduled lunch deliveries and timed messages.
[NO ARGUMENTS ALLOWED]
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[There was an abrupt stop in Emi's response as he paused. This was just Eiji's very convoluted way of saying he was worried, wasn't it? Emi shook his head a bit in disbelief, almost feeling a laugh coming on but not quite. If it were anyone else he would have absolutely argued because this was too much. Not even an argument, it would have been a flat out refusal.]
Sure
You don't have to go so out of your way for me, but alright. We can give it a try and see how it goes.
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If you're going to overwork yourself, I might as well make you efficient at it.
[Normal human translation: he cares about you, okay.]
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Thanks for worrying.
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—nishinoya
[ and in this boxed package is a pack of emoji earrings, a shirt, and the best of all . . .
a taco mania man crate. ]
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Noya didn't get a written reply, but next time Emi saw him he got a firm pat on the back and a mumbled, kind of embarassed 'thank you.'
But a few days after that, nestled in with Noya's work things, he'd find a little wooden figure of a bird. A crow, maybe, since it was stained so dark.
I'm bad at christmas, but I hope you had a good one too. --Emi]
4/18 I think? all of my april plotting has *vague gestures* for dates
--Chou
[ While it would actually be helpful to have those questions answered, the note truly serves as a test. How willing is Emi to deal with her? She wants to know. ]
mine are also very *gestures* WE CAN ADJUST LATER
Yeah.
[And then there was a time scribbled down for that evening.]
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No, well, she had a few ideas about ambushing him, tracking him down to plead her case. But she was trying not to give up hope, just yet, that he would still willingly meet her. ]
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He'd tried not to give it a lot of thought. There wasn't a lot to think about.
But it wasn't long after the time he had said that Emi ventured out of The Boar's Nest's doors, his collar loose and hands in his pockets. It didn't take long to spy Chou, and he gathered himself mentally to make his way over.]
Need something?
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But he didn't always look so closed off, at least not with her, not anymore. Cold pain pierced her chest. It was like she'd thought--he'd shut the door on her already, and maybe he wouldn't even bother humoring her enough to let her clear things up.
The plan had been to explain the situation gently and rationally, because Emi wasn't unreasonable. But now her pulse was too loud in her ears, and she couldn't think of the words she'd meant to start with. In all her mental rehearsing, imagining the ways this could conversation could go wrong, she had failed to account for this much panic, this soon. One selfish fear overwhelmed everything, and it tumbled out of her mouth unplanned, tears pricking her eyes. ]
Don't hate me! Please don't hate me!
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He didn't get it. She'd asked him to meet him to... Well she actually hadn't asked him to meet with her, he realized, but that had been the implication, right? How had he already messed up?? He frowned to himself.]
No one... No one hates you, Chou.
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[ Her feet were carrying her toward him now, closing the remaining space in one quick rush. She couldn't stop the torrent, all the fear that had simmered since her talk with Mallory welling up and spilling out at once. ]
But I don't-- [ No, she did care, if only about a few of the examples of "people who've hated me" that immediately came to mind. ] --I don't need to hear about anyone else! I'm saying it to you! Even if you don't wanna listen and won't believe me, just don't hate me!
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That just felt like a punch all over again. He was just trying to do what he was supposed to do.
Emi awkwardly glanced away and back, nervously flicking his tongue over dry lips before speaking in a quiet, very confused tone.]
I couldn't hate you.
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She hadn't meant to start with an outburst. Geez, to think she'd made Emi reassure her, when it was supposed to be the other way around. He surely wasn't in the mood for it, either.
But she could do it now. More than a bit meek, she looked up at him again. ]
So... just listen, for a minute. I don't know if you heard... it sounds really weird, but lately people have been ending up in different bodies. It's true! I think it's something one of the guests did, but--if you ask around, I think you'll definitely find other people who can confirm it. I'm not making it up!
[ Did the desperation make her sound guilty? She couldn't help it; everything was riding on Emi taking her word, and he might not want to do that. ]
And so, that happened to me too, for the past few days. I'm only back in my own body since this morning. The guy that had my body--he hasn't told me everything he got up to, but he mentioned--
[ She bit her lip, before her voice got smaller. ]
He said he kinda whacked you. That's how he put it. Was there... anything else?
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He was aware that some people had been switching places. He'd gotten a punch out of that introduction to the concept as well, but let's face it- it was far easier for Emi to tell there was something weird going on when someone else was occupying Eiji of all people. What it meant was that it was true.
What it meant was that Chou... hadn't been Chou.
Emi had already withdrawn a little bit into himself as she explained, feeling shame trace its cold fingers up his neck.]
Oh..
... No, not really.
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I--I can't give you physical evidence, but--witnesses! There are a couple people who know the situation! And I'll make him come explain himself, and I'll make him apologize properly!
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I don't need witnesses or anything, it happened to Eiji too. Nobody did anything wrong anyway.
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No... hitting you was definitely wrong. And then he didn't even make sure you were okay--I'm sure of that. And he let you think... [ Where to begin? She didn't actually even know what Emi thought, she was only assuming things. ] He let you think things that aren't true. That guy did a lot of wrong things!
And... and I should have talked to him sooner, and I should have ignored what he wanted, and cleared things up with you right away.
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The blond shook his head, attempting to interject a little.]
Chou, it’s… it is what it is. [He wasn’t going to say it was fine when she clearly thought it wasn’t. He looked away, the cool flickers of shame starting to creep more into his expression.]
It shouldn’t have all been on you.
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She considered what he had to say, considered the look on his face, the guard that was starting to look a bit chipped. ]
Well... it would be kinda unreasonable, if I expected you to come to me after something like that happened. If it was me in your place, I definitely can't vouch for what I'd do.
ABRUPTLY SHIFTS FORMAT
He drew light circles on her shoulders with his fingers, considering. "You've already run after someone you thought might hate you to try and change that." She picked it up and challenged what she didn't like. Emi gently withdrew his hands, as if that was something he just couldn't compete with.
"You've just done what you would do, I think."
HOW DARING
Her brow creased. No, she really wasn't sure.
But Emi's next point jolted her, snapping her eyes back up to his, a touch of shame coloring her cheeks. Look at her, getting wrapped up in her fears and neglecting the most important things. "That's not exactly--I mean, that's not all of it. I can't... say I didn't panic about that worst-case scenario, when I saw you." It was a little late to deny it. "But it's not like I needed to talk to you just because I don't wanna be hated. I had to make sure you understand, you know? That I've never stopped thinking of you as my friend. You've never done anything at all to make me think about hurting you."
sticks leg out
Deciding he wasn't one just seemed like the most common-sense option anyone had.
"I didn't think you were hurting me," he admitted delicately. It had hurt, certainly, but it hadn't been a deliberate action. It had just been... what he had been expecting. He gave a small, hapless shrug of his shoulders.
"That's just... usually how things go. It made sense."
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She couldn't be upset with him for not believing in her enough to question the change in temperament. But, afraid as she had been that he might hold a grudge, she also couldn't be okay with his inclination to just accept a punch to the face.
Which was why she had to say it, very softly. "What could possibly make sense about something like that?" Chou had thought she could get away without prodding any of Emi's tender spots, had thought it would be better to just let him be, forever. But now, this sense that she understood where he was coming from just didn't cut it, if the cracks in his heart were so much farther behind in their healing than her own. "If that's how things usually go, then the usual is wrong."
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Shuffling his hands into his pockets, Emi gave another small shake of his head. It felt like this was something Chou was going to press, and doing it right out front of the Boar's Nest was chance inviting other people he knew into a conversation he didn't particularly want to have in the first place.
"Let's go somewhere else?"
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But she wasn't about to deny his request. She'd been hoping to walk home with him anyway, that this would be a nice enough confrontation that such companionship would still be welcome at the end of it. But she was ready to go wherever he wanted, if he was willing to talk to her. So she nodded. "You know somewhere quieter?"
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He stepped away with an incline of his head, wordlessly instructing her to follow. There was no doubt that she would, so Emi just started off. It was a lull in the revelry as most patrons had found the places they wanted to haunt for the next little while, so there weren't many people that they needed to weave through, and no chance of getting separated even if Emi wasn't doing the best he could to wait.
"It's not exactly quieter, but the view is nice." It didn't matter to him if strangers overheard. He'd never have to see them again, probably.
Leading her through the streets, they reached another part of the entertainment district (as if any part of Koriko was not part of an entertainment district). Here a stream ran through the heart of it, and it was at the height of one of the bridges across the water that Emi drew to a slow. It wasn't the season for fireflies, but the soft lights of paper lanterns still danced on the stream's surface. It'd be even prettier in a few weeks when the buds on the trees bloomed with their delicate pink blossoms.
Emi took up residence at the railing, leaning on his elbows and letting his hands dangle over the edge in a loose hold on each other. He gave her a small glance as if to make sure she was actually there, then trained his eyes on the leisured pace of the currents.
Finally, after what might have felt like ages, Emi spoke back up. "People like me don't make friends."
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The most obvious conclusion, if getting angry about being hurt was supposed to prove whoever had hurt him right... well, maybe there had been people somewhere who thought Emi was dangerous, somehow. Her gaze flicked up to his spiked hair, the blond catching lamp light. It was sort of a delinquent style, now that she thought of it--no, she was sure she'd even had that thought before, if only in passing. But Emi himself was too calm and gentle to really fit a stereotype like that; it didn't work.
That thought clicked something into place, in the back of her mind, but Chou pushed away the urge to examine it further. She'd been assuming big things about Emi for almost as long as she'd known him, and she should really give him a chance to lay things out the way he wanted.
By the time she had slipped up to stand beside him, folding her hands on the railing, she knew which question to ask first. Her eyes were trained on him, even after he looked away. "What's so bad about people like you?"
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The connections you made would carry you. Your reputation was everything. Get in with the right folk, and you were set to do whatever you put your mind to. That was the story of success for so many people, no matter what dreams they were chasing.
It'd been a very, very long time since the thought had crossed his mind, but there was a point when Emi had wondered what it would be like to have the chance to have a dream.
"Nothing good's gonna come your way when you hang out with the son of a criminal."
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So that was it. It made sense immediately. Even more than anything Chou had had to deal with, that kind of thing was sure to turn people against you, no matter how young and innocent you were. How old was Emi when everyone found out, she wondered.
"That's a pretty stupid thing to make a fuss about, though," she said after a moment. "It's not like rotten people never come from parents with good reputations."
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Emi shrugged. "It is what it is. They just got the better cards."
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It was a lonely thing to think about. "But what you said before isn't true, you know? You definitely have friends. I was your friend before I even knew it."
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All it took was a change of scenery. Of course, he knew that. It could have been easy to change things around, if he'd just left. Whether or not it would have made him any happier, Emi couldn't say. And if he had gone, then Eiji would have...
"I should have come to talk to you, I just..." Emi gave an almost helpless shrug of his shoulders. He finally glanced back over at her, something shy and fragile there.
He just hadn't known what to do.
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She looked up to meet his eyes with a tight smile. "Like I told you, there's no way I'd expect you to do that. The one who gets hurt shouldn't have to be the one extending an olive branch. I was definitely gonna come to you, no matter what."
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When he had no one, it hadn't felt like it mattered if he had anyone around or not. If his singular friend told him to back off, he would. That was what he would have expected, that's why had hadn't gone after her already. That's just what he knew. Now that he actually had to count the friends that he had, didn't that mean that things were different? Didn't that mean they weren't the way he knew anymore?
"... You mean a lot to me, Chou, so I shouldn't have just... accepted that."
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"Well... that..." Her voice started out half-strangled with emotion, but softened as she lowered it, bashful. "... That makes me happy." She couldn't help it. "But--but I mean it, don't act like anything was your fault. It wasn't your responsibility to fix things. You have to expect more from me!"
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"I'll try to hold you to that from now on," he said with a soft huff of laughter. There was still something muted about it as Emi turned his eyes back to the water. Knowing he'd made her happy made him happy, but it didn't change the root of the problem. "This is just... How I am."
He folded his fingers together, mimicking other motions he'd seen time and time again. "I'm glad I came here."
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She wasn't sure what to say to that last thing, really. After turning the words over in her head, all she could come out with was quiet frankness. "I... was pretty stupid when I made my wish. I've thought lots of times, I shouldn't have done it. But, if I keep thinking about... it was completely necessary, for things like meeting you."
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Completely unnecessary, Eiji would have said. Emi might have agreed, but it still felt good to hear.
"Being impulsive can have its perks." Tentatively, he leaned over to nudge her shoulder with his, giving her a shy sidelong look. "Thanks, Chou. For finding me."
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Still smiling--she could hardly stop, now--Chou shook her head. "I only wandered in uninvited, and you humored me."
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"I wouldn't have it any other way."
after april campins
It also reaffirmed the need for Emi's presence in his life. Of course, Eiji knew the blond wouldn't rest until he was safe, but knowing didn't compare with the rush of euphoric relief when they finally met in the woods. For the first time, collapsing into Emi's arms and being held - even in front of an audience - was the most comforting thing in the world.
He'd... missed Emi. No matter how much he pushed it from his mind now, that had been a very real feeling that haunted him through the cold nights. What it meant - and especially where it left him - Eiji had no idea.
But from the look on the blond's face, whatever the demi-human felt was nowhere near what Emi's emotions went through.
Even now he was still waiting - albeit only for Eiji to finish in the bathroom, but even that was probably its own kind of excruciating. After all, the first damn thing he did upon getting back to his room was announce that he was taking a shower - he barely said anything else before closing the door behind him. Maybe he'd been in here long enough, then - but at least he was feeling alive again.
Eiji toweled down his hair before wrapping it around his waist (in his haste, he hadn't even bothered to bring a change of clothes,) before finally emerging. Steam wafted around him and the cool air kissed his still-warm skin, so smooth and unbroken that it would've been impossible to tell that he'd just been eking it out in the wild.
A relieved sigh spilled from his lips as he walked out. "That's better."
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He'd just been so consumed with worry for so long, absolutely terrified that he'd already been too late or he had been heading in the wrong direction the whole time. Who knew what else could have found Eiji. All he wanted to do now was bask in the rush of relief knowing that Eiji was alright, feel that very real weight against his chest as Eiji rested safe and warm in his arms. Everything was fine.
But while his arms were ajin-less, the least he could do was cozy up their part of the room. The nervous energy lent itself to prepping both their futons (that Truffles promptly claimed) and getting Eiji a change of comfortable clothes. Those rested on the the corner of the futon-- just a large t-shirt and some boxers. Emi couldn't imagine Eiji was going to be going anywhere.
All he could do after that was wait.
When the door opened, Emi locked his eyes on the other boy. Under better circumstances it would have been a treat to trail his eyes over rosy pale skin, but now it was simply to verify that he was fine. Of course he was fine.
"Feelin' more like you?"
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When he finally rolled his face back out of the softness dimension, he let it rest in Emi's direction. The last time they'd done this, the last time he collapsed after spending far too long sleeping on the floor of a barn, Eiji had still been pretending not to know him. Now, he found himself drinking in the sight of Emi.
It was a stretch to say the demi-human looked tender or blissful. There was a softness around his eyes, sure, but it was more accurate to say he seemed... lighter.
"...Thanks to you."
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"Of course," he replied simply, wearing the hints of a soft smile. They were overshadowed by the promise in his gaze, shining bright with its intensity. "I'll always find you," he pledged, "as long as you want to be found."
Which... wouldn't be always, Emi knew, but for now it was enough.
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Though it was unlike him, he pried delicately, "You knew I hadn't left." ...Right? Emi would've been forgiven for thinking any disappearance at this point was just another abandonment, considering his track record. Had... had he...
Had he done right by Emi? Even if that wound might never fully close, was he making up for it?
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Emi gave a small shake of his head. "It didn't make sense," he mused. His wish wasn't done, he'd taken no supplies, they had plans... Emi's voice softened with care as he continued.
"Besides... Wherever we go, we go together, right?"
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They were going together, and nothing about that plan demanded to be changed. Eiji didn't want it to.
Warmly, he murmured, "Yeah. You're exactly right."
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"Then that's not something I'm worried about." Not as long as he was needed and Eiji could make that face.
"Can I get you anything?"
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Shamelessly, he stated simply, "I want a snack." He didn't specify what, because frankly, at this point, anything that wasn't unwashed mushrooms he found in the forest would be an improvement, but he definitely was in the mood for something. Junky.
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Well that seemed obvious in retrospect. Of course he'd be hungry. Emi wasn't sure if they had to worry about him over-eating too quickly with the resets and all, but it wasn't like there was a whole lot in the room to gorge on anyway. Even if he'd made the offer, the blond realized he wasn't all that willing to let Eiji back out of his sights just yet.
"I think we've still got some cup noodles," he stated, getting up to set up that magical kettle of theirs. Somewhere he was sure Selenite was having a full-body spasm over the idea that their elegant coffee pot was being used for such cheap reasons.
"Chicken or spicy chicken?"
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Normally Eiji would opt for normal cup noodles, but he was feeling a special need to eat something he could really taste. Something strong enough to banish all traces of his miserable stint in the dirt.
While Emi was preparing the kettle, the demi-human sat up and took this opportunity to change into those clothes. Soft, clean fabric against freshly washed skin... he breathed another contented sigh to himself, just glad to be here.
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With the tastiest decision having been made, Emi set about getting the soupy snack ready. Cup lids opened, chopsticks located, the flash of creamy skin catching his eye...
Keeping Eiji in his sights was turning out to be a more literal desire than anticipated. He was just putting the pajamas on, there was nothing special about it in anyway. And yet Emi's eyes kept being drawn to follow the lines of fabric as they sloped across the softness of Eiji's skin. Indulgences apparently were abundant on the heels of relief. Emi licked his lips as he looked away, but it wasn't long before his gaze was trailing back.
"I was going to take you to get a parfait," he admitted as the sound of water starting to heat up rolled near him. "I'll have to try again, I think you'd like 'em."
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"Well," he mused, "I'm glad you didn't tell me beforehand. It would've made the whole thing a lot worse if I knew I could've been eating parfait instead."
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What a waste that would have been, it didn't even have a mouth to enjoy a parfait with.
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"You think that theory of yours extends to food cravings?" Because, well... the 'ghost wants what Eiji wants' hypothesis was starting to look more and more like it could be true.
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The blond carefully made his way back over, setting the steaming noodle vessels down near Eiji so they could cook in closer proximity.
"It did a good job."
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Eventually, he pulled his legs in to shift into more of a sitting position. "We both wanted the same thing for once," he supposed, thoughtful and hesitant.
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The answer he did receive just made him smile at him. "Thank goodness for that."
The want to be safe and warm was a strong one, and Emi was thankful the ghost seemed to appreciate the same things. Odd, but he wasn't going to question it. What else would they see eye to eye on?
"Here," he said, handing over one of the pairs of chopsticks.
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There would be no waiting for boiling water to cool here. He hadn't seen actual food in days, so he was going to eat. Prying open the lid, he gave the noodles a quick stir before digging in. A burnt tongue didn't bother him much anyway.
Oh right, but - after the first few mouthfuls went down - he'd forgotten to tell Emi about one thing. "I managed to access a telepathic link with the ghost while it was looking for you. Not enough to control it, but if I closed my eyes, I could see what it saw." (Slurp nom nom)
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"Whmf?!" An elaborate attempt to slurp up the noodles commenced, punctuated by some sputtering and a few coughs in his haste. "Holy shit--" he wheezed. "That's incredible!"
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"Yeah. It was... definitely odd." The demi-human slurped up another mouthful of noodles, then added, "Would've been better if I could drive its body. Maybe if the link was stronger."
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Which, you know, he was.
"That's still rad though," Emi exclaimed now that he had successfully avoided choking on his own noodles. "That might mean you're getting better with it...?"
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The words came a bit slower now, more thoughtful. "But if it takes being honest with what I want..." How often would that actually happen?
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Finishing his current bite with a slurp, Emi licked the remaining broth from his lips. "That takes practice, I guess... At least there's another concrete goal to work towards."
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He frowned. "So what am I supposed to do?" Like, in tangible steps.
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It was a topic they kept dancing around, narrowly missing all the prickly barbs that came with it. Most of them, anyway. There were definitely some that had stung in previous conversations. Emi hummed a bit, gently tapping his fingers against the warm cup in his hands.
Explaining something that just seemed like second nature to himself was tricky. Emi found it hard to be anything but honest-- at least in private.
"Well... what do you think honesty is? In your opinion." They could both look up the definition in a dictionary, but when it came to personal practices... Everyone held it a little differently.
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Eventually, he came up with, "Speaking your mind on your principles and... your sense of reason. And acting only on what you've thought out to be the right course of action." Emotions and acknowledging your own desires sincerely need not apply.
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"I'd agree with most of that." Emi took another thoughtful nibble of noodles before he continued, moving his gaze back to Eiji.
"But can you say that the right course of action-- and I'm definitely saying they're the right thing to do in this. But was it always the option you would prefer?"
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Even now, he was too trapped in the cage of his own rationality, despite the lack of confidence in his voice. He'd never let himself even consider what he preferred emotionally when making his past decisions. Or if he had, it was only through a lens that could somehow justify it through a contortionist's knot of logic. As such, nothing came to mind...
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When he spoke again, it was frank and devoid of any of the resentment that Eiji might have feared would be there. However much they might have shaped him, Emi knew the logic of the facts. He just wanted to help Eiji understand.
"Leaving me behind was the right thing to do," Emi stated. For which time, he didn't specify. All of them? "It was absolutely the correct course of action."
"But I don't think that's what you wanted." He hoped not, anyway.
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What he wanted in those situations... was it even possible for him to say that he wanted to stay with Emi? No. Of course not. Because he knew, intrinsically, that staying would've meant losing him. How could he ever wish that, just to have the momentary gratification of having a comforting presence a little longer?
It was a fantasy, to think that he could have Emi at his side without risking him. It was beyond his ability to indulgently imagine so far out of the realm of fact.
"I wanted... things to be different," he said at last, quietly. He wanted a different road for the both of them to walk down, together...
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"I did too. They will be," he assured him firmly. They were building that road with their own hands, and Emi wasn't going to let anything happen to it.
"As far as I can tell, being honest with yourself is knowing what you want, but understanding you won't always get it. Trying to deny something exists just turns it into a time bomb you can't control."
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Eiji's expression fought against the grimace that tried to surface onto his features - not entirely succeeding - before he simply fell back to shoving more noodles into his mouth.
When he finished off the last ramen-y dregs from his cup, Eiji wiped his mouth again and glanced away. For a moment, looking like he was debating on what to say - with a tint of shame in his eyes. And while he tried to make the words as clinical as possible in tone, it wasn't hard to tell what emotion he was holding back.
"...I missed you. That's why my link with the ghost was stronger. We both... missed you." Heart and mind.
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Him.
Emi swallowed hard, almost uncertain that he'd heard him correctly. The racing in his chest assured him that he'd heard Eiji just fine. That was all it took to get him going, it seemed. He was supposed to be keeping up those bits of distance between them that kept them comfortable friends. That was how this worked out, he knew that. What he didn't know was how he was supposed to do that when he felt close to bursting.
"Eiji..."
He'd never considered himself someone that could be missed, but here they were. The remains of his ramen were set aside.
Moving on the impulse his entire body was yearning for, Emi turned and carefully wrapped his arms around Eiji's middle in a loose circle to draw him in. Maybe this was too much. Maybe it wasn't enough. His arms had been ajin-less for too long, and Emi didn't know what else to do with this feeling.
That was one hell of a way to start being honest.
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He really had missed his touch.
Letting his head rest in the slope between Emi's neck and shoulder, he had nary a thought for how this might affect the state of their friendship. What it was doing to the blond's infatuation had ceased to be a concern, greedy as it was. All Eiji knew was that he wanted this right now.
He closed his eyes and set down his styrofoam cup, letting his arms whisper all the thank yous and I need yous that he couldn't say as they settled themselves against the small of Emi's back - lightly holding him in place.
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There was just the soft sounds of their breath. A soft shift of fabric as they leaned in to each other, shifted slightly. Calloused hands splayed supportively against Eiji's back, cradling his head. In the still calm, Emi could be honest with himself as well.
He loved him.
He loved him now in this quiet moment of fleeting honesty. He'd love him later when each careful wall was painfully put back in to place. He loved him in the wild of the woods, and he loved him in the softness of the morning. He'd known it, they'd both known it, but that word had always been elusive. Now that it had slipped into the spaces between his thoughts, he could call it by nothing but it's name.
I love him.
Emi leaned his head against the other's, deeply breathing in the whole moment. They could stay as long as Eiji wanted. However long it took for him to feel content. It was all his for the taking.
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But, Eiji mused as he dully opened his eyes, was it enough to make him different too? Maybe it took being apart from him, but he could feel the way Emi had fused into his life - his smile had become part of routine, and his careful touch just another daily habit. They all fit in that comfortable groove he'd carved out for himself, made in his shape.
This, now, was simply settling him back into place.
It was a need he'd never required before, Eiji noted. All those other times he had cut Emi out of his life, he'd done so without the slightest feeling of loss. Not in the act, and nary a time afterwards. It was... disconcerting, having to acknowledge the fact that some part of him was no longer complete on its own. By definition, it meant he - the Eiji part of the equation - was lesser somehow. Attached. Dependent.
It was difficult to place whether he was supposed to feel glad over this. Even if he had something to gain from it, Eiji couldn't help the unease building in his chest. How could he stay pragmatic and logical if there was a seed of irrationality growing inside him? How far was it going to spread? How was he even supposed to reconcile its presence when he'd spent all his life fashioning himself to be something that resisted it on principle?
The demi-human's arms finally loosened, slipping from their place as Eiji carefully undocked himself from Emi's embrace. This wasn't something he could uproot on his own, he realized. But...
For a moment, his dark red eyes locked onto gold, lacking all his usual sharp edges but still searching, probing.
...It wasn't the same. Whatever climate had settled in his chest, it didn't match the eruption of sun and warmth that Emi felt, thinking of him. Well... it was only natural. Good. That meant it hadn't taken roots deep enough to make him stupid.
And like that, everything that was Eiji fell back into place. "I'm going to brush my teeth and pass out," he announced quietly, shifting his weight to stand up. He'd throw out what remained of the cup noodle, too.
He wasn't different yet. And sadly, the response he felt was a distant, shameful sense of relief.
sometime in mid june
Emi,
Are you aware of the fact that pretty much everyone we know thinks we're a couple
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What
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Yeah
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huh
first i heard of it
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they asked you?
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Nonetheless, this is the state of things
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[But also what is the point of bringing this up...? Obviously nothing good, especially considering how much Eiji preferred avoiding attention.]
Sorry about that.
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I don't think there's a point anymore. Just because they're the ones that asked, doesn't mean they're the only ones who think so. Trying to get everyone back on that page is probably impossible.
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?? What should I do then
[Since he was the Problem.]
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After weighing the options, I think we should just be a couple
please hold
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His chest burned with such an earnest hope that he was already starting to feel the weight of grieving disappointment approach. It was already too late to tell himself not to get fooled, but at least... maybe he could curb the damage.]
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Yes, I'm fine. Nothing unusual has happened today either. I'm writing with a sound mind.
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can we talk about this after work
[NOT MORE THAN 10 SECONDS LATER:]
no wait nevermind i'll take a longer break
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It's fine. I'll come by the Boar's Nest. I'm already finished my shift anyway.
[SO NOW WAS JUST HORRIBLE WAITING UNTIL EIJI GOT THERE.]
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He shouldn't have kept reading it but he kept reading it. Over and over as he screamed to the internal heavens.
And waited.]
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His eyes traveled to the bar first, where the blond would normally be working, but he wasn't there. Um? Thankfully, Mr. Bo was kind enough to point him to the table where Emi was taking his break.
Okay. Not that... he was nervous, but deep breaths anyway. Calmly, he walked over and pulled up a seat for himself across from Emi.]
...I suppose you'd like an explanation.
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When Emi registered that he was no longer alone with his thoughts he glanced up. His gaze was so much sharper than normal, golds intensely probing and searching the other boy in front of him for anything that might have seemed out of place. If this was another case of magic fiddling, someone was going to be very, very sorry that they had fiddled. He'd had more than enough of that, thank you.
... It didn't stop his expression from softening somewhat as Emi watched him though,
with tentative curiosity. It still felt too much to dare to hope but... This! This was the problem!!]
Hey.
That'd... I'd like that, please.
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This felt incredibly silly. And yet, its necessity spurred him to continue.
Come on, Eiji, You could be impartial about this, even about this. With a small click of his tongue, he dragged his eyes back up to meet Emi's, ever composed.]
I've been deliberating this for a while, and after assessing our current state of affairs, I came to the conclusion that a romantic relationship has the potential to benefit both of us better than our current positions.
Obviously, I know... your feelings in regards to me. Saying that your morale would improve is pretty much a no brainer, but so would your overall well-being and performance. And as I have a vested interest in all these things, naturally I'd favour this outcome.
But, on the matter of my feelings... On a purely empirical level, I can say with certainty that I can't match the depths of what you feel. However, this fact alone isn't grounds for disqualifying the consideration for a relationship. At least, that's what I think now.
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This was... ridiculous. Ridiculous and so, so Eiji. The moment he had mentioned how a romantic relationship could benefit the both of their positions, the heavy weight of worry had lifted from his shoulders. This was the boy he loved with the sound mind he proclaimed.]
Here I was, worried someone slipped you more chocolates.
[But they hadn't. Which meant that this was. Exactly what Eiji said it was. This was a day that Emi had simply assumed would never happen happening. Emi leaned forward a bit on his seat, resting his hands just near Eiji's. His expression had grown immeasurably soft, fondness touching every corner.
There was still a tick of hesitation rooted in his thoughts however, because as much as this was some bizarre miracle defying everything he thought would happen, there were still details he couldn't ignore. The whispers of his own-self doubt were ever present, and with all the evidence of care that Emi had watched build up for someone else over the past few months...]
I think you're right? Depths don't need to match, Eiji, we're not in a care-a-lot competition. But are you... [Emi paused, a fidgety tap on the table as he worked through the hesitation.]
... are you sure you're alright with me?
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Sternly, in the same tone that one might say, don't be stupid, the demi-human stated:] Of course I am.
I wouldn't consider the proposition if you weren't involved. Emi...
[His brows furrowed as he chewed on his inner lip, trying to figure out how to put it into words. After another deep breath to center himself, Eiji forced out the words:]
I care about you more than anyone else on this island.
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It took a moment for Emi to force himself back out of the old mentality to see this for what it was: Eiji being honest. What benefit was there to not be, in this situation?
He was dying, but in the best way.]
Eiji...
[He crossed the gap between their hands, carefully brushing his fingers over Eiji's. The tactile sensation was potentially a ploy to detract from the color that was starting to creep across his face, but Emi wasn't sure it was going to work. This felt like too much all at once, and Emi bit his lip to keep it all from spilling out pre-emptively.]
If that's the case, then you already know my answer.
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No, the problem was always going to be himself. He could feel his pulse underneath his skin, beating fast as he stared down the precipice of change. Eiji lowered his head, gaze falling to their hands - to Emi's, reaching out to him.
This is what he had decided on, he reminded himself. There was no point to feeling anxious. There was only the doing.
Eiji gathered up his determination, focusing it into the core of him as he steeled his voice. And while it sounded like he was equally trying to justify the endeavour to himself as much as he was explaining it to Emi, he was firm in telling him:] I did not come to this conclusion because my feelings directed me towards it. I am not my feelings.
This is a choice I made, to pursue a risk that I've judged to be worth the cost. So...
[Like stiff, awkward things, he unlatched his fingers from each other and placed them over Emi's - with all the grace of a wooden mannequin. There was no part of his movements that weren't uncertain, but they moved all the same.]
...Let's take it slowly.
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His actions may have been clunky and awkward, but Emi was there to meet him every step of the way. It was not a one-sided affair. At least, it wasn't anymore. It was those small efforts that tipped Emi's emotions over the edge.
Emi smiled warmly at him, metaphorical tail wagging at the speed of light.]
I'm not in a hurry to get anywhere without you.
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[Eiji gave the barest of nods, but his air softened into one of satisfied approval. There was almost a smile in his eyes, even if he kept his gaze glued to their overlapping hands. He could hear how brightly Emi was glowing from his voice already, looking up would just be excessively mushy - it ran the risk of being so embarrassing that he'd have to rethink this whole thing entirely.
But it was more relief than he was willing to admit, knowing that this was going smoothly. He didn't know what resistance he'd have to face from Emi, but seeing as it was minimal... that was good.
So: to business, and ironing out the details of this arrangement.]
Is there anything additional you'd need out of me now that this is official?
[If Emi had increased expectations now, he'd like to know...]
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Huh?
[or maybe it had been the prospect of 'anything additional' that had tripped him up. Certain daydreams aside (that had been firmly established as Never Happening), Emi had barely ever dared to contemplate what it would be like for this reality to come to pass. He hadn't really given relationships in general any thought considering... Everything.]
Uh...
I mean I already hold your hand and kiss you sometimes so I guess... It'd be more of that? [SHRUG.] If you want to, anyway. I figure we could just feel things out but... [Emi tilt his head, giving Eiji a considering look. That wasn't much his scene so:] Was there, uh, anything you were expecting out of me?
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Well, I think you should continue being the one to plan excursions, since I don't really have an eye for that. [Dates were considerably far from Eiji's realm of expertise.] And I'll need you to keep helping me control my ghost. We'll have to find some new training ground, too.
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Of course, i'd wanna help with ghosts still even if we weren't going out. We could even go scope out new places on a date. [he grinned.] We'd be so efficient and multi-tasking.
ughhghhhhh im the worst
It did relax him, though. Enough that when he glanced away again, it was less anxious and more to the tune of being bashful.]
That's true... [He sucked in a sharp breath through his nose, before slowly letting it out. Don't get distracted - focus on the goal, Eiji.]
This'll be a good experiment. We can see how differently it acts.
shhhhh
... Because Eiji was fond of him? It was a connection he'd never really let himself dwell on, until right then. Emi's smile grew unbidden, the warmth filling his face feeling more like a pleasant buzz.]
Yeah! I'm sure it'll appreciate a chance to stretch its legs too.
[Because that's definitely how ghosts worked?]
Ahh, now I'm curious.
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But Emi could be allowed his enthused curiosity. It was a good foundation to build off of, when so much of this decision had been based on the potential benefits it could bring to his ghost. Tangible gains, he reminded himself, before he could start to second guess this whole venture.
It was already bearing some fruit, at least, seeing how happy Emi looked in his adoration. Of the possible results, this was easily the most achievable, but the demi-human allowed himself to feel at least a little pleased.
With a business-like nod, Eiji met eyes with his... ugh, 'boyfriend' felt like such a juvenile term. Partner at least felt a little more comfortable as a title, but it implied a commitment that he wasn't sure was there yet. This was just an experiment, he told himself. For now.]
Then, we're clear in our roles.
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[Clear as they could be in the kind of relationship they had. Emi honestly couldn't say he knew how much would change (which in hindsight made all those relationship questions make a bit of sense), but he supposed that was part of what made this seem like a comfortable step to take.
He felt lighter though, lifted up with a giddiness he hadn't been anticipating. Meeting Eiji's eyes, Emi's lifted with that happiness and he turned his hands so they could touch palm to palm.]
Let's see where this takes us.
[His warm fuzzies were interrupted by the distant sound of an uproarious cheer from the other side of the restaurant. Ah, right. He was at work and was... technically supposed to still be working. How long had he been on break? Emi clicked his tongue, but he couldn't drop the smile Eiji had put on his face.]
I should get back to work before I gotta take onion room shifts too.
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All right. I'm going to make dinner.
[Which was... incredibly domestic already, it occurred to him. Something that a housewife would do. But that didn't change the fact that it was still practical, he told himself. Whatever needed doing, right?
He'd let Emi deal with whatever ruckus was going on elsewhere. For now, the demi-human simply got his things and prepared to leave.]
I'll see you back home.
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Yeah. [It came out soft, humbled.] I won't be too long.
[Emi got up from the table, knowing that there were probably orders of rounds approaching from the victorious crowd the moment he stepped back behind the bar. There were things to do! Happy patrons to get drunk.
But he wanted this moment to last just a little longer and soak up every last drop of its warm glow. He paused by Eiji's side while he was still in his seat, leaning his palm on the table and swiftly swooping in.
Farewell kisses got to be the new norm, didn't they? He sure hoped so, cuz he was pressing one tenderly against Eiji's cheek. He was still smiling as he pulled back.]
I'll see you at home.
[Emi gave the table top a light pat, bouncing back on his heels to practically skip his way back to work.]
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there was a scream ]
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august 20something
It just meant that in his absence, Emi would have to take extra care at the farm. No one else tended to the horses the same way Ethan had. What did it matter if they were safe from storms if no one was sharing the same amount of care Ethan had? So Emi would stay a bit later in his farm shifts, like he was today, making his way through the horse fields to check on them.
Much to his delight, Crash trotted over to him right away when he noticed the blond. He must have been doing something right then, he thought. The horse bumped heads with him and Emi laughed, reaching up to stroke the beast’s neck. Maybe one of these days he could convince Kei to come out and see them.
The laughter died in his throat and his world went silent.
The name bled through his memories, filling each nook and crevice of his thoughts until it was a mystery how he had ever forgotten such a thing. There was all the sharpness he had struggled to remember, the edge that had felt like home on his tongue. He’d always liked it, Kei. Liked how it sounded, liked how similar it made them when Kei would call him--
Call him…?
His breath rattled in his chest, realizing it was just one of two. There was a nudge at his cheek, and Emi stared at the horse in front of him. “I’m sorry,” he blurted, taking a step back.
Then another.
Then he was running, as hard and as fast as his legs would carry him.
It didn’t make any sense. He could only think of one reason why, and it didn’t make sense. This wasn’t the plan. He’d just been with him hours ago, pressing a chaste kiss to the demi-human’s temple as he grumbled at him from their futon. Have a good day was his quiet farewell as Emi reached the door, and Emi had laughed. I’ll see you later.
They were supposed to stay here. They were going to figure this out together. Pay off their debts. Start over here. If it didn’t work out they’d go somewhere else, both of them. Wherever Kei went, Emi would follow, so it didn’t… it didn’t make any fucking sense.
It didn’t register when he’d made it to his door. His lungs were on fire, chest heaving with each labored breath he took. Whatever thoughts he had were suddenly a jumble of white noise and the single high pitch of sound that cut through it all as he stared wildly at the nameplate on the frame. He dimly registered the anxious meow that came from the door at the back of his mind. Truffles was on her own and--
‘Eiji’ had always sat nicely above Emi’s name. He’d liked it, that their names had still sounded so similar. It had always made him smile a bit to think about it.
‘Emi’ sat alone, the only smile in sight.
When he opened the door, the pretty scottish fold was immediately winding through his legs, trying to vy for his attention before anything else in the room could. The radio he had fixed was still softly playing. Their things were still there. The sun was shining brightly through the window, mocking him with how happy everything seemed, as if Kei had just gone out for a walk. As if things were just on pause. As if his hands weren’t trembling as he sank against their futon, heart breaking in his chest.
Something like this was always going to happen, he knew that. It’d been something he’d been bracing for. He’d thought he’d be ready when it all came falling down. He hadn’t thought it’d fall down like this. Even if he had no one else, he was supposed to still have Kei.
Summer again his thoughts echoed as Truffles butted up against his chest. Emi laughed to himself before his throat felt thick, and he buried his sobs against her fur.