At this point he couldn't quite meet her eyes. The whole experience was just so bizarre and otherwordly that he was losing his sense of what to do with it. That she had never stopped thinking about him as her friend was as foreign as the fact that she thought of him as one in the first place, which he had finally come to some sort of terms with.
Deciding he wasn't one just seemed like the most common-sense option anyone had.
"I didn't think you were hurting me," he admitted delicately. It had hurt, certainly, but it hadn't been a deliberate action. It had just been... what he had been expecting. He gave a small, hapless shrug of his shoulders.
"That's just... usually how things go. It made sense."
Chou knew she assumed a lot of things about Emi--well, not too many details, really, just the broad strokes. Sometimes she worried that she was projecting, but mostly she was pretty confident that the cracks in Emi's heart were a lot like the ones in her own.
She couldn't be upset with him for not believing in her enough to question the change in temperament. But, afraid as she had been that he might hold a grudge, she also couldn't be okay with his inclination to just accept a punch to the face.
Which was why she had to say it, very softly. "What could possibly make sense about something like that?" Chou had thought she could get away without prodding any of Emi's tender spots, had thought it would be better to just let him be, forever. But now, this sense that she understood where he was coming from just didn't cut it, if the cracks in his heart were so much farther behind in their healing than her own. "If that's how things usually go, then the usual is wrong."
Emi let out a soft laugh, though there was no humor to be found in it. "Being wrong doesn't mean it's not what happens." There was nothing good about it, Emi knew. It was different here, but no amount of reminding himself of that in such a short period of time could fully undo what years had done.
Shuffling his hands into his pockets, Emi gave another small shake of his head. It felt like this was something Chou was going to press, and doing it right out front of the Boar's Nest was chance inviting other people he knew into a conversation he didn't particularly want to have in the first place.
"I'm saying I don't like it." Chou's frown was getting deeper, bitterness creeping into her voice. "You can get mad, you know."
But she wasn't about to deny his request. She'd been hoping to walk home with him anyway, that this would be a nice enough confrontation that such companionship would still be welcome at the end of it. But she was ready to go wherever he wanted, if he was willing to talk to her. So she nodded. "You know somewhere quieter?"
He stepped away with an incline of his head, wordlessly instructing her to follow. There was no doubt that she would, so Emi just started off. It was a lull in the revelry as most patrons had found the places they wanted to haunt for the next little while, so there weren't many people that they needed to weave through, and no chance of getting separated even if Emi wasn't doing the best he could to wait.
"It's not exactly quieter, but the view is nice." It didn't matter to him if strangers overheard. He'd never have to see them again, probably.
Leading her through the streets, they reached another part of the entertainment district (as if any part of Koriko was not part of an entertainment district). Here a stream ran through the heart of it, and it was at the height of one of the bridges across the water that Emi drew to a slow. It wasn't the season for fireflies, but the soft lights of paper lanterns still danced on the stream's surface. It'd be even prettier in a few weeks when the buds on the trees bloomed with their delicate pink blossoms.
Emi took up residence at the railing, leaning on his elbows and letting his hands dangle over the edge in a loose hold on each other. He gave her a small glance as if to make sure she was actually there, then trained his eyes on the leisured pace of the currents.
Finally, after what might have felt like ages, Emi spoke back up. "People like me don't make friends."
It makes who right? was the question that hung heavy in her mind while she watched Emi's back, the line of his shoulders as she followed him. Anger had been Chou's liberation, in a way, but maybe that was only because it was the opposite of what anyone had expected from her. The perception Emi had been up against must have been of a different nature.
The most obvious conclusion, if getting angry about being hurt was supposed to prove whoever had hurt him right... well, maybe there had been people somewhere who thought Emi was dangerous, somehow. Her gaze flicked up to his spiked hair, the blond catching lamp light. It was sort of a delinquent style, now that she thought of it--no, she was sure she'd even had that thought before, if only in passing. But Emi himself was too calm and gentle to really fit a stereotype like that; it didn't work.
That thought clicked something into place, in the back of her mind, but Chou pushed away the urge to examine it further. She'd been assuming big things about Emi for almost as long as she'd known him, and she should really give him a chance to lay things out the way he wanted.
By the time she had slipped up to stand beside him, folding her hands on the railing, she knew which question to ask first. Her eyes were trained on him, even after he looked away. "What's so bad about people like you?"
"If you want to get ahead in life, you need to associate with the right people."
The connections you made would carry you. Your reputation was everything. Get in with the right folk, and you were set to do whatever you put your mind to. That was the story of success for so many people, no matter what dreams they were chasing.
It'd been a very, very long time since the thought had crossed his mind, but there was a point when Emi had wondered what it would be like to have the chance to have a dream.
"Nothing good's gonna come your way when you hang out with the son of a criminal."
Chou didn't even say "oh," out loud, just let out a very soft exhale. She looked down into the water, thoughtful.
So that was it. It made sense immediately. Even more than anything Chou had had to deal with, that kind of thing was sure to turn people against you, no matter how young and innocent you were. How old was Emi when everyone found out, she wondered.
"That's a pretty stupid thing to make a fuss about, though," she said after a moment. "It's not like rotten people never come from parents with good reputations."
It was true, of course. It was incredibly stupid, the standards people were held to were all backwards. It was one thing to say it though. Doing anything about it was seemingly impossible. It was too late for him anyway.
Emi shrugged. "It is what it is. They just got the better cards."
She couldn't deny the truth in that. Whether you believed in karma or not, it was a fact that some people were born with better lots.
It was a lonely thing to think about. "But what you said before isn't true, you know? You definitely have friends. I was your friend before I even knew it."
"It kind of blows my mind," Emi admitted quietly. "That anyone wants anything to do with me."
All it took was a change of scenery. Of course, he knew that. It could have been easy to change things around, if he'd just left. Whether or not it would have made him any happier, Emi couldn't say. And if he had gone, then Eiji would have...
"I should have come to talk to you, I just..." Emi gave an almost helpless shrug of his shoulders. He finally glanced back over at her, something shy and fragile there.
There was a tightness in her chest. That was not a surprising thing to hear from him. None of this really was, which was the worst part of it all. It should be surprising that someone like Emi, someone so much kinder, more steadfast and straightforward than herself, should be so resigned to closed doors.
She looked up to meet his eyes with a tight smile. "Like I told you, there's no way I'd expect you to do that. The one who gets hurt shouldn't have to be the one extending an olive branch. I was definitely gonna come to you, no matter what."
When he had no one, it hadn't felt like it mattered if he had anyone around or not. If his singular friend told him to back off, he would. That was what he would have expected, that's why had hadn't gone after her already. That's just what he knew. Now that he actually had to count the friends that he had, didn't that mean that things were different? Didn't that mean they weren't the way he knew anymore?
"... You mean a lot to me, Chou, so I shouldn't have just... accepted that."
Her shoulders gave the slightest jerk back, eyelashes fluttering in surprise. What was she supposed to do when he said something like that?
"Well... that..." Her voice started out half-strangled with emotion, but softened as she lowered it, bashful. "... That makes me happy." She couldn't help it. "But--but I mean it, don't act like anything was your fault. It wasn't your responsibility to fix things. You have to expect more from me!"
After a moment of quiet, a small smile worked its way to Emi's lips. It was more reminiscent of the tentative gestures he'd offered when he'd first began to let her in.
"I'll try to hold you to that from now on," he said with a soft huff of laughter. There was still something muted about it as Emi turned his eyes back to the water. Knowing he'd made her happy made him happy, but it didn't change the root of the problem. "This is just... How I am."
He folded his fingers together, mimicking other motions he'd seen time and time again. "I'm glad I came here."
Chou was peering at him sidelong, not wanting to stare him down, but also unwilling to look away for long. The small motions of his hands drew her attention, and she wondered--should she? Would it be the right thing, to touch him? He looked so fragile. What if she did too much, and made him clam up?
She wasn't sure what to say to that last thing, really. After turning the words over in her head, all she could come out with was quiet frankness. "I... was pretty stupid when I made my wish. I've thought lots of times, I shouldn't have done it. But, if I keep thinking about... it was completely necessary, for things like meeting you."
The gut reactions were entirely at odds with one another. His fingers tightened around each other just slightly, disbelief tainting the pressure there. There was nothing necessary about meeting him. But his head dipped, his face blooming with color at her words.
Completely unnecessary, Eiji would have said. Emi might have agreed, but it still felt good to hear.
"Being impulsive can have its perks." Tentatively, he leaned over to nudge her shoulder with his, giving her a shy sidelong look. "Thanks, Chou. For finding me."
That was a new. Chou turned her head to blink owlishly at Emi, not sure how to respond to shoulder nudges--oh, she should just nudge back, right? But a few moments had already passed and all she could do was smile, all warm and dumb. Would that be enough to convey how glad she was to have this, how much less lonely she was with Emi around?
Still smiling--she could hardly stop, now--Chou shook her head. "I only wandered in uninvited, and you humored me."
Smiling was more than enough to convey everything. It reaffirmed everything he already knew about coming here was the best thing he could have done-- the only other people that had smiled in his presence back in Japan were Eiji and his little sister. Having this now after so long was nothing short of amazing.
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
sticks leg out
Deciding he wasn't one just seemed like the most common-sense option anyone had.
"I didn't think you were hurting me," he admitted delicately. It had hurt, certainly, but it hadn't been a deliberate action. It had just been... what he had been expecting. He gave a small, hapless shrug of his shoulders.
"That's just... usually how things go. It made sense."
no subject
She couldn't be upset with him for not believing in her enough to question the change in temperament. But, afraid as she had been that he might hold a grudge, she also couldn't be okay with his inclination to just accept a punch to the face.
Which was why she had to say it, very softly. "What could possibly make sense about something like that?" Chou had thought she could get away without prodding any of Emi's tender spots, had thought it would be better to just let him be, forever. But now, this sense that she understood where he was coming from just didn't cut it, if the cracks in his heart were so much farther behind in their healing than her own. "If that's how things usually go, then the usual is wrong."
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Shuffling his hands into his pockets, Emi gave another small shake of his head. It felt like this was something Chou was going to press, and doing it right out front of the Boar's Nest was chance inviting other people he knew into a conversation he didn't particularly want to have in the first place.
"Let's go somewhere else?"
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But she wasn't about to deny his request. She'd been hoping to walk home with him anyway, that this would be a nice enough confrontation that such companionship would still be welcome at the end of it. But she was ready to go wherever he wanted, if he was willing to talk to her. So she nodded. "You know somewhere quieter?"
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He stepped away with an incline of his head, wordlessly instructing her to follow. There was no doubt that she would, so Emi just started off. It was a lull in the revelry as most patrons had found the places they wanted to haunt for the next little while, so there weren't many people that they needed to weave through, and no chance of getting separated even if Emi wasn't doing the best he could to wait.
"It's not exactly quieter, but the view is nice." It didn't matter to him if strangers overheard. He'd never have to see them again, probably.
Leading her through the streets, they reached another part of the entertainment district (as if any part of Koriko was not part of an entertainment district). Here a stream ran through the heart of it, and it was at the height of one of the bridges across the water that Emi drew to a slow. It wasn't the season for fireflies, but the soft lights of paper lanterns still danced on the stream's surface. It'd be even prettier in a few weeks when the buds on the trees bloomed with their delicate pink blossoms.
Emi took up residence at the railing, leaning on his elbows and letting his hands dangle over the edge in a loose hold on each other. He gave her a small glance as if to make sure she was actually there, then trained his eyes on the leisured pace of the currents.
Finally, after what might have felt like ages, Emi spoke back up. "People like me don't make friends."
no subject
The most obvious conclusion, if getting angry about being hurt was supposed to prove whoever had hurt him right... well, maybe there had been people somewhere who thought Emi was dangerous, somehow. Her gaze flicked up to his spiked hair, the blond catching lamp light. It was sort of a delinquent style, now that she thought of it--no, she was sure she'd even had that thought before, if only in passing. But Emi himself was too calm and gentle to really fit a stereotype like that; it didn't work.
That thought clicked something into place, in the back of her mind, but Chou pushed away the urge to examine it further. She'd been assuming big things about Emi for almost as long as she'd known him, and she should really give him a chance to lay things out the way he wanted.
By the time she had slipped up to stand beside him, folding her hands on the railing, she knew which question to ask first. Her eyes were trained on him, even after he looked away. "What's so bad about people like you?"
no subject
The connections you made would carry you. Your reputation was everything. Get in with the right folk, and you were set to do whatever you put your mind to. That was the story of success for so many people, no matter what dreams they were chasing.
It'd been a very, very long time since the thought had crossed his mind, but there was a point when Emi had wondered what it would be like to have the chance to have a dream.
"Nothing good's gonna come your way when you hang out with the son of a criminal."
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So that was it. It made sense immediately. Even more than anything Chou had had to deal with, that kind of thing was sure to turn people against you, no matter how young and innocent you were. How old was Emi when everyone found out, she wondered.
"That's a pretty stupid thing to make a fuss about, though," she said after a moment. "It's not like rotten people never come from parents with good reputations."
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Emi shrugged. "It is what it is. They just got the better cards."
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It was a lonely thing to think about. "But what you said before isn't true, you know? You definitely have friends. I was your friend before I even knew it."
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All it took was a change of scenery. Of course, he knew that. It could have been easy to change things around, if he'd just left. Whether or not it would have made him any happier, Emi couldn't say. And if he had gone, then Eiji would have...
"I should have come to talk to you, I just..." Emi gave an almost helpless shrug of his shoulders. He finally glanced back over at her, something shy and fragile there.
He just hadn't known what to do.
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She looked up to meet his eyes with a tight smile. "Like I told you, there's no way I'd expect you to do that. The one who gets hurt shouldn't have to be the one extending an olive branch. I was definitely gonna come to you, no matter what."
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When he had no one, it hadn't felt like it mattered if he had anyone around or not. If his singular friend told him to back off, he would. That was what he would have expected, that's why had hadn't gone after her already. That's just what he knew. Now that he actually had to count the friends that he had, didn't that mean that things were different? Didn't that mean they weren't the way he knew anymore?
"... You mean a lot to me, Chou, so I shouldn't have just... accepted that."
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"Well... that..." Her voice started out half-strangled with emotion, but softened as she lowered it, bashful. "... That makes me happy." She couldn't help it. "But--but I mean it, don't act like anything was your fault. It wasn't your responsibility to fix things. You have to expect more from me!"
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"I'll try to hold you to that from now on," he said with a soft huff of laughter. There was still something muted about it as Emi turned his eyes back to the water. Knowing he'd made her happy made him happy, but it didn't change the root of the problem. "This is just... How I am."
He folded his fingers together, mimicking other motions he'd seen time and time again. "I'm glad I came here."
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She wasn't sure what to say to that last thing, really. After turning the words over in her head, all she could come out with was quiet frankness. "I... was pretty stupid when I made my wish. I've thought lots of times, I shouldn't have done it. But, if I keep thinking about... it was completely necessary, for things like meeting you."
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Completely unnecessary, Eiji would have said. Emi might have agreed, but it still felt good to hear.
"Being impulsive can have its perks." Tentatively, he leaned over to nudge her shoulder with his, giving her a shy sidelong look. "Thanks, Chou. For finding me."
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Still smiling--she could hardly stop, now--Chou shook her head. "I only wandered in uninvited, and you humored me."
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"I wouldn't have it any other way."