[Eiji snapped back in equal measure.] I can't keep believing that this consistent pattern of events is because of chance and human error.
[Because if there wasn't a cause, then that meant he really was helpless to do anything about it - and Eiji simply couldn't accept that. There had to be something he could do, something tangible and practical and within his grasp. If he didn't have that as a possibility, then what good was he?
Eiji's hands bunched up into fists, tightly clutching the sleeves of his uniform.]
I have to be able to do something about it, Emi. If anything happened to you, I'd...
[The words caught in his throat, but it was clear what he felt. Eiji would be devastated.]
[Emi froze, lips parting in silent surprise. Not so much because of the sentiment, but because he knew exactly how it ended. He'd heard it before as soft hands burned his cheeks. There were no hands on his face this time, but it was burning all the same because the Eiji saying it now was as real as can be.
The blonde leaned over, letting go of his shirt to carefully resting his hand on Eiji's back, pressing his forehead against his shoulder. He swallowed, whispering back:]
... I know.
[He understood that helplessness all too well, being the normal guy that he was. Knowing that the only thing he had was to be there for Eiji, and yet this was all he gave him... It was frustrating and he hated that he was just doing the same thing to him.]
[Eiji's head drooped, despite his voice taking on a dull, dry cynicism.] You really thought I wouldn't?
[Honestly, that was harsh, but it wasn't undeserved. It was true that the demi-human had a track record for leaving Emi behind, but...
No. This had to stop. The other boy had done too much for him to deserve simply resigning himself to die. The demi-human sucked in a sharp breath, raised his head with a look of both worry and resolve in his eyes and forced his gaze onto Emi. His words were firm, insistent - reminiscent of the tone he reserved for telling people they were wrong.]
Don't be so stupid next time. You can't keep just... accepting that's okay. You're worth more than that. To me.
I trusted you'd know an obvious trap when you saw one, is all.
[He trusted that Eiji would have been safe. Because seeing a trap and going at it anyway was Emi's deal. His very stupid deal, because that's what he was, and he couldn't refute that.
But he raised his eyes to sternly meet Eiji's, ignoring the swell in his chest that accompanied his words, speaking back with just as much certainty.]
[NO. No, he still couldn't accept it. This was an emotional rejection of what was a completely pragmatic decision. Eiji wasn't wrong. And if he was getting heated in countering Emi, well, it definitely wasn't because he emotional too.]
It's not even remotely similar! You can't just discount completely different physical circumstances! Even if the Witch had the power to revive people, you could still get crippled for life. If there's an advantage to be gained by dying, then I'm the only one that can do it without consequence. Nothing that happens to me is permanent, anyway.
I can't possibly agree to take that off the table when we might need it.
[It was the bite back of someone that knew that there were advantages to it. It was obviously a factor that could be useful. He could shut up when it was the only thing they had left but he couldn't just let it happen because it seemed like a good idea.
He probably had no idea what it felt like, to watch the life fade from his eyes. To see the one thing that mattered most just. Crumble. Over and over.
To feel it happening.
Emi pressed his lips together in a thin line as his expression grew distant, guilt shadowing his eyes. He let his hand fall away from Eiji's back, bracing himself on the futon.]
I felt it, you know. When you bled out.
[He took an uneasy breath, not quite looking at Eiji anymore.]
Every drop. The tree soaked it up so I... I couldn't stop it. It just took and took. I was everywhere so that's all I could feel. Just you slowly dying all around me and I couldn't... I could feel how cold you were getting because it was...
[Giving him part of the life it was stealing from Eiji. So was he the one killing him?]
I was taking it. From you. It was disgusting and I couldn't stop it.
[It was true, Eiji had never watched a death of close friend so intimately. He'd watched a puppy fade and die before its time, but that was years ago, back when the idea of death truly solidified itself in his mind as a concept. He'd seen the gradual process of wasting away of familiar faces at the hospital, or sometimes the suddenness of an empty bed. The solemnness that accompanied a lost patient.
But on that first night, at the bottom of the ravine, when he first looked over and saw Emi's unmoving body... It felt like getting hit by a truck all over again. Desperation, pleading, guilt, anger - overwhelming even thoughts about his own safety. The pain was so wrenching, he knew he never wanted to feel it again. He couldn't let Emi die. That was why...
Eiji pulled his face away, again bundled in his little ball of thoughts. Was all pain equal? Could he really claim that he didn't want to cause Emi harm while still pursuing a path that knowingly hurt him? There were a thousand ways Eiji could justify his actions for the greater good, but none of them erased the fact that they continued to traumatize Emi.
And besides, the other boy had a point - in most instances, resetting didn't have to be a first resort, even if it was the most straightforward one. It was still a bad idea to die in front of strangers, and immortality posed its own unique risks. If anything, Eiji's priority should've been to avoid situations where dying was needed to start with. Simply having a tool didn't mean he had to use it.
After a long, ruminating pause - most of it spent in angry-looking silence - Eiji finally relaxed his posture and let his legs stretch across the floor. His hands, now resting in his lap, were still anxiously entwined together, but at least he seemed calmer. When he spoke, it was in a low murmur.]
[With a sigh, Emi let his head droop back down on Eiji's shoulder after the other boy relaxed a bit. Now he just felt emotionally exhausted on top of the physical exhaustion. He couldn't say that sharing that anecdote made him feel any better, but it... didn't make him feel worse either.]
S'not like you knew...
... I'm sorry I keep worrying you.
[He let his eyes shut, intending for just a moment.]
[It was everything else's, the world's. Society for casting them down as subhuman despite having done nothing wrong, driving them to desperation and turning a blind eye. Emi would've never been an outcast, and Eiji wouldn't have to be forced to constantly look over his shoulder, living in what would always feel like a fragile, ephemeral peace.
Eiji muttered under his breath, though out of care rather than spite,] Worry a little more about yourself, sometime.
[If not for himself, than because Eiji thought he was more than that. Because he was easy pickings to get under the ajin's skin, if Eiji's own plans against himself were anything to go by. He vaguely had to wonder what else he had said was true, but he pushed that out of mind... Or tried to.
He was somewhat starting to fall asleep on Eiji's shoulder.]
[After a few moments of continuing silence, Eiji noticed that the other boy's breathing had... slowed. Was he starting to doze off again? Eiji tried to turn his head to see, but at risk of moving too much and disrupting the blond, he couldn't move much.
With a small sigh, he muttered to Emi softly, trying to gauge if he'd hear and react.]
[The words filtered in and Emi thought he understood them for a moment, but that may have been too much to hope for with such a sleep addled brain. Even if he did understand, it was likely that this particular part of the conversation was going to be left behind here in the moment. Despite that, Emi shifted slightly. Eiji was warm. That was nice.]
The sunk cost fallacy is a product of our behavioral aversion to what is perceived as a unretriveable loss. The emotional investment we place on something, as a result, skews our decision-making process.
[Ah yes, an explanation that anyone was sure to sleep through. Eiji's voice at the volume of a low murmur certainly wasn't going to help keep Emi awake.]
[Emi had a certain weakness for Eiji's murmurings. He liked listening, even if the subject matter went over his head sometimes. This was one of those times, though that was more to do with his thoughts checking themselves in. Even still, this was pinging a small voice in his head that was telling him to listen past the murmurs that were so gently pulling him closer to sleep.]
The greater the investment, the harder it is to let go of something, even if ultimately the costs outweigh the benefits.
[From the way Eiji spoke, it was hard to tell if what he was describing was a good thing or a bad thing. It could've done either way. Rationally, it made no sense, and he knew it - but the truth was, people were equally ruled by the irrational. That was just as much a fact of life.]
[This was a good time to tell Eiji not to over think it, because he was clearly overthinking it.]
...
..... Mm...
[It was just unfortunate that Emi was just nuzzling a bit closer to Eiji's shoulder, fingers curled loosely in the hem of Eiji's shirt once more. His weight was becoming a presence as his breath drew deeper, slower. Sleep had crept up entirely, which made the conversation more of Eiji simply talking to himself out loud.]
With a small sigh, Eiji carefully shifted his body around so he could lower Emi back down to his bed, one arm around his back and the other cradling his head. Even if it felt like he'd accidentally shake the blond awake at any moment, he managed to gently lay him down.
Though... he wasn't entirely sure why, but Eiji lingered there for a moment longer, leaning over the other boy. There was so much about this picture that wasn't right - there was sno much he didn't have the power to fix. He hadn't meant for it to be this way.
Hesitant, urged only by the fact that Emi was unconscious, Eiji's hand hovered over Emi's face indecisively. It was a stupid little sentiment. Even considering it felt like a shameful secret. But this, at least, was one small, simple thing he could set right for the time being.
He let his fingers brush back Emi's frumpled, unstyled bedhead - just a little, and carefully, as not to irritate his injuries - until it resembled his old self a little more.
That done, Eiji rose up to collect the dishes, leaving Emi to his rest.]
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
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[The response was hard and instant, Emi's fingers curling tightly on the other boy's shirt.
So that's what it was. Of course that's what it was. If he'd been a bit more conscious maybe he would have been able to nip this sooner but--]
This wasn't you, Eiji. I made mistakes. [He had liked what he heard and was an idiot.] Shit happened. [Shit always happened.]
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[Because if there wasn't a cause, then that meant he really was helpless to do anything about it - and Eiji simply couldn't accept that. There had to be something he could do, something tangible and practical and within his grasp. If he didn't have that as a possibility, then what good was he?
Eiji's hands bunched up into fists, tightly clutching the sleeves of his uniform.]
I have to be able to do something about it, Emi. If anything happened to you, I'd...
[The words caught in his throat, but it was clear what he felt. Eiji would be devastated.]
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The blonde leaned over, letting go of his shirt to carefully resting his hand on Eiji's back, pressing his forehead against his shoulder. He swallowed, whispering back:]
... I know.
[He understood that helplessness all too well, being the normal guy that he was. Knowing that the only thing he had was to be there for Eiji, and yet this was all he gave him... It was frustrating and he hated that he was just doing the same thing to him.]
You came for me. That's... that's a lot, Eiji.
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[Honestly, that was harsh, but it wasn't undeserved. It was true that the demi-human had a track record for leaving Emi behind, but...
No. This had to stop. The other boy had done too much for him to deserve simply resigning himself to die. The demi-human sucked in a sharp breath, raised his head with a look of both worry and resolve in his eyes and forced his gaze onto Emi. His words were firm, insistent - reminiscent of the tone he reserved for telling people they were wrong.]
Don't be so stupid next time. You can't keep just... accepting that's okay. You're worth more than that. To me.
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[He trusted that Eiji would have been safe. Because seeing a trap and going at it anyway was Emi's deal. His very stupid deal, because that's what he was, and he couldn't refute that.
But he raised his eyes to sternly meet Eiji's, ignoring the swell in his chest that accompanied his words, speaking back with just as much certainty.]
Then you need to stop dying for my sake.
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That's called an 'acceptable level of risk'. It's different. I know what I'm doing, Emi.
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What do you think I think anything I do is? It's not different at all.
[The blonde swallowed painfully, hoping against hope that his point would get across.]
I can't stand the thought of you doing something like that for me. I hate being useless enough that you have to.
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It's not even remotely similar! You can't just discount completely different physical circumstances! Even if the Witch had the power to revive people, you could still get crippled for life. If there's an advantage to be gained by dying, then I'm the only one that can do it without consequence. Nothing that happens to me is permanent, anyway.
I can't possibly agree to take that off the table when we might need it.
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[It was the bite back of someone that knew that there were advantages to it. It was obviously a factor that could be useful. He could shut up when it was the only thing they had left but he couldn't just let it happen because it seemed like a good idea.
He probably had no idea what it felt like, to watch the life fade from his eyes. To see the one thing that mattered most just. Crumble. Over and over.
To feel it happening.
Emi pressed his lips together in a thin line as his expression grew distant, guilt shadowing his eyes. He let his hand fall away from Eiji's back, bracing himself on the futon.]
I felt it, you know. When you bled out.
[He took an uneasy breath, not quite looking at Eiji anymore.]
Every drop. The tree soaked it up so I... I couldn't stop it. It just took and took. I was everywhere so that's all I could feel. Just you slowly dying all around me and I couldn't... I could feel how cold you were getting because it was...
[Giving him part of the life it was stealing from Eiji. So was he the one killing him?]
I was taking it. From you. It was disgusting and I couldn't stop it.
Feeling you ebbing away, drop by drop. It hurt.
It hurt, Eiji.
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But on that first night, at the bottom of the ravine, when he first looked over and saw Emi's unmoving body... It felt like getting hit by a truck all over again. Desperation, pleading, guilt, anger - overwhelming even thoughts about his own safety. The pain was so wrenching, he knew he never wanted to feel it again. He couldn't let Emi die. That was why...
Eiji pulled his face away, again bundled in his little ball of thoughts. Was all pain equal? Could he really claim that he didn't want to cause Emi harm while still pursuing a path that knowingly hurt him? There were a thousand ways Eiji could justify his actions for the greater good, but none of them erased the fact that they continued to traumatize Emi.
And besides, the other boy had a point - in most instances, resetting didn't have to be a first resort, even if it was the most straightforward one. It was still a bad idea to die in front of strangers, and immortality posed its own unique risks. If anything, Eiji's priority should've been to avoid situations where dying was needed to start with. Simply having a tool didn't mean he had to use it.
After a long, ruminating pause - most of it spent in angry-looking silence - Eiji finally relaxed his posture and let his legs stretch across the floor. His hands, now resting in his lap, were still anxiously entwined together, but at least he seemed calmer. When he spoke, it was in a low murmur.]
...Fine.
You're... you shouldn't have had to feel that.
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S'not like you knew...
... I'm sorry I keep worrying you.
[He let his eyes shut, intending for just a moment.]
I just worry about you too.
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[It was everything else's, the world's. Society for casting them down as subhuman despite having done nothing wrong, driving them to desperation and turning a blind eye. Emi would've never been an outcast, and Eiji wouldn't have to be forced to constantly look over his shoulder, living in what would always feel like a fragile, ephemeral peace.
Eiji muttered under his breath, though out of care rather than spite,] Worry a little more about yourself, sometime.
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[If not for himself, than because Eiji thought he was more than that. Because he was easy pickings to get under the ajin's skin, if Eiji's own plans against himself were anything to go by. He vaguely had to wonder what else he had said was true, but he pushed that out of mind... Or tried to.
He was somewhat starting to fall asleep on Eiji's shoulder.]
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With a small sigh, he muttered to Emi softly, trying to gauge if he'd hear and react.]
Have you ever heard of the sunk cost fallacy...?
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Hmm?
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[Ah yes, an explanation that anyone was sure to sleep through. Eiji's voice at the volume of a low murmur certainly wasn't going to help keep Emi awake.]
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Mhmm...
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[From the way Eiji spoke, it was hard to tell if what he was describing was a good thing or a bad thing. It could've done either way. Rationally, it made no sense, and he knew it - but the truth was, people were equally ruled by the irrational. That was just as much a fact of life.]
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...
..... Mm...
[It was just unfortunate that Emi was just nuzzling a bit closer to Eiji's shoulder, fingers curled loosely in the hem of Eiji's shirt once more. His weight was becoming a presence as his breath drew deeper, slower. Sleep had crept up entirely, which made the conversation more of Eiji simply talking to himself out loud.]
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[Well. that was for the best.
With a small sigh, Eiji carefully shifted his body around so he could lower Emi back down to his bed, one arm around his back and the other cradling his head. Even if it felt like he'd accidentally shake the blond awake at any moment, he managed to gently lay him down.
Though... he wasn't entirely sure why, but Eiji lingered there for a moment longer, leaning over the other boy. There was so much about this picture that wasn't right - there was sno much he didn't have the power to fix. He hadn't meant for it to be this way.
Hesitant, urged only by the fact that Emi was unconscious, Eiji's hand hovered over Emi's face indecisively. It was a stupid little sentiment. Even considering it felt like a shameful secret. But this, at least, was one small, simple thing he could set right for the time being.
He let his fingers brush back Emi's frumpled, unstyled bedhead - just a little, and carefully, as not to irritate his injuries - until it resembled his old self a little more.
That done, Eiji rose up to collect the dishes, leaving Emi to his rest.]