[Eiji's gaze pulled away immediately when he felt Emi turn towards him. The bruising around his throat had turned an ugly, mottled purple hue - they were getting better, but the sight of them still made the demi-human feel slightly sick inside.
Remember, anything that happened to him at Koriko was Eiji's fault. Emi stayed for him, he was the only reason the blond was even in a position to get hurt so badly. He caused the loneliness that made Emi so attractive to the tsubaki spirit. His attachment to Emi made him a target for his shadow.
He was the reason Emi went to prison. He was the reason Emi's bike got crashed into a ravine. He was the reason Emi got wailed on by thugs with a baseball bat.
All of it added up to what felt like an undeniable truth. No amount of rationalizing could make it go away.
Eiji drew his knees towards his chest and folded his arms across them, kneading his fingers in restless anxiety. Voice dull, he stared at the floor and muttered the obvious:]
[He didn't do anything about it quite yet, watching Eiji for a moment from under heavy eyelids. (When would they stop feeling so heavy? He was already sick of being so tired.) While he was undeniably glad to see the demi-human at his side, he didn't like the way he was drawing in to himself. That wasn't new of course, but there was something. More.
Well. He could understand. Reverse the scenario and he would have been beside himself.
The only thing to do then was to get better faster and appreciate what Eiji had been doing for him. Forcing himself to be a bit more awake, the blonde slowly but surely eased himself up into a sitting position, wincing only the tiniest bit as he did so.]
[Eiji made no effort to move, keeping his eyes fixed on a whole lot of nothing. As usual, he had the spaced out look that always took over when too many things were going through his head at once. At least he wasn't so lost in thought that he completely stopped responding.]
[What did Emi think he was doing in the several hours he spent after work before coming back to the dorm? Though to be fair, he was probably asleep the whole time...
But Eiji didn't want to hear any trite compliments for his middling skills. Objectively, he knew they were mediocre, despite his attempts at improving. He just wanted to be realistic.]
They're not the best, but I think I'm getting better.
[The answer was definitely sleeping. He had already completely lost track of what hour or day it was, marking time only by when Eiji was There and when he was Not.
He greatly preferred the times he was There.
Emi took great care in picking up the bowl of soup, cradling the warmth in his hands. Eiji had taken the time to make this specifically for him. All the other ones too, he reminded himself as he bit his lip. That was. He was touched, and he felt warmer than he had in days.
He took a careful sip, the pink rising to his cheeks clearly just a side effect from the warming brew.]
I think the flavour got better once I started using a mix of leftover pork scraps, tendon and bone. I don't think that medically, drinking pork bone soup gives any greater benefit than any other kind of broth. There's certainly a widespread belief that ingesting nutrients directly from the bone will help immunize and strengthen your own body, but it doesn't have backing with actual science. It could largely be a placebo effect - though placebos on their own can actually be quite effective. Still, it should help reduce inflammation a little, and it's easy to digest - not to mention cheap to make.
[It was easier for Eiji to rattle off facts about soup than it was to actually confront what he was feeling. At least it kept him talking.]
[Yeah, he liked him talking. Emi listened as he sipped at his soup, though he wouldn't be able to say he was really absorbing any of the information. He was paying more attention to what Eiji's voice sounded like, letting it be a comforting murmur of sound.
He smiled a bit around the bowl, sounding amused.]
ohh, now I know. [Sip.] The ginger's real nice this time too.
[In case he wanted to ramble on about the health benefits of ginger. Emi would prefer that to letting himself start to think about how Eiji had yet to look at him this whole time.
[Eiji nodded.] There's a ginseng root I got from the medicinal shop near work. The lady said it was a thank you present. I figured since ginseng's supposed to improve the immune system...
[He trailed off as the slow realization set in. Ah... It hadn't been a present for anything he had done during the chaos - it was something his shadow did. And now this was supposed to be helping Emi, huh.
What a joke. And to think, this was the best he could do for his only friend. Eiji went quiet again, mulling on the irony.]
[Emi watched as his friend folded back in on himself, feeling that low familiar thrum of frustration start to kick in. Something was clearly weighing the demi-human down hard, and he didn't know what it was. Except that was mostly a lie, wasn't it?
He was weighing the other boy down. This was weighing him down. All of this- the injuries, the stupid flower petals, all this sleep he couldn't escape yet. All because he'd been, what? Distracted? Led on? Fuck, he didn't know.
Even if he suddenly wasn't feeling that hungry, Emi made himself finish off the bowl before he set it aside, eyeing Eiji's side.]
[Eiji suddenly sounded very small, and very tired. He was unconvinced - logically there was no way anyone would be happy with a friendship like this - and yet the idea of hearing a truthful answer still made him nervous.
Guiltily, he let himself peer back over at the battered blond from the corner of his eyes - as though trying to look at him from his periphery would somehow shield his vision from the worst of the bruising. But even that only lasted a moment before he squeezed his eyes shut again.]
Like this? Not so much. I could do without falling asleep on you every twenty minutes. Real tired of that.
[Like he couldn't lie, this actually sucked a lot. But he knew that wasn't what Eiji was actually getting at. It went past this. Emi frowned a little, looking down at his lap. There were no hands to hold, but he reached out to gingerly hook his fingers into the hem of Eiji's shirt both for want of contact and not wanting Eiji to move any farther away than he already had emotionally.]
But I am happy being here with you. You're my best friend, why wouldn't I be? Even with stuff like this, you're... I don't think anyone else would have been able to find me.
You wouldn't have been in that position at all if it weren't for me.
[There it was. The thing that was obviously gnawing on his mind for the past several days. Eiji sighed, a little annoyed at himself for fixating on something that he fundamentally could no longer change - at least, not without doing more damage.
Emi didn't hate him. He should've hated him, and in all honestly it would've been kinder to the blond if he did. At least then he could move on and make a better life for himself, make better friends.
If only he had any sense in that head of his.
When Eiji said he wanted to be friends again, he hadn't wanted this. To be weighed down with more guilt than before. To see Emi tortured within an inch of his life.]
...I keep hurting you, Emi. [That was an immutable fact.]
[Eiji snapped back in equal measure.] I can't keep believing that this consistent pattern of events is because of chance and human error.
[Because if there wasn't a cause, then that meant he really was helpless to do anything about it - and Eiji simply couldn't accept that. There had to be something he could do, something tangible and practical and within his grasp. If he didn't have that as a possibility, then what good was he?
Eiji's hands bunched up into fists, tightly clutching the sleeves of his uniform.]
I have to be able to do something about it, Emi. If anything happened to you, I'd...
[The words caught in his throat, but it was clear what he felt. Eiji would be devastated.]
[Emi froze, lips parting in silent surprise. Not so much because of the sentiment, but because he knew exactly how it ended. He'd heard it before as soft hands burned his cheeks. There were no hands on his face this time, but it was burning all the same because the Eiji saying it now was as real as can be.
The blonde leaned over, letting go of his shirt to carefully resting his hand on Eiji's back, pressing his forehead against his shoulder. He swallowed, whispering back:]
... I know.
[He understood that helplessness all too well, being the normal guy that he was. Knowing that the only thing he had was to be there for Eiji, and yet this was all he gave him... It was frustrating and he hated that he was just doing the same thing to him.]
[Eiji's head drooped, despite his voice taking on a dull, dry cynicism.] You really thought I wouldn't?
[Honestly, that was harsh, but it wasn't undeserved. It was true that the demi-human had a track record for leaving Emi behind, but...
No. This had to stop. The other boy had done too much for him to deserve simply resigning himself to die. The demi-human sucked in a sharp breath, raised his head with a look of both worry and resolve in his eyes and forced his gaze onto Emi. His words were firm, insistent - reminiscent of the tone he reserved for telling people they were wrong.]
Don't be so stupid next time. You can't keep just... accepting that's okay. You're worth more than that. To me.
I trusted you'd know an obvious trap when you saw one, is all.
[He trusted that Eiji would have been safe. Because seeing a trap and going at it anyway was Emi's deal. His very stupid deal, because that's what he was, and he couldn't refute that.
But he raised his eyes to sternly meet Eiji's, ignoring the swell in his chest that accompanied his words, speaking back with just as much certainty.]
[NO. No, he still couldn't accept it. This was an emotional rejection of what was a completely pragmatic decision. Eiji wasn't wrong. And if he was getting heated in countering Emi, well, it definitely wasn't because he emotional too.]
It's not even remotely similar! You can't just discount completely different physical circumstances! Even if the Witch had the power to revive people, you could still get crippled for life. If there's an advantage to be gained by dying, then I'm the only one that can do it without consequence. Nothing that happens to me is permanent, anyway.
I can't possibly agree to take that off the table when we might need it.
[It was the bite back of someone that knew that there were advantages to it. It was obviously a factor that could be useful. He could shut up when it was the only thing they had left but he couldn't just let it happen because it seemed like a good idea.
He probably had no idea what it felt like, to watch the life fade from his eyes. To see the one thing that mattered most just. Crumble. Over and over.
To feel it happening.
Emi pressed his lips together in a thin line as his expression grew distant, guilt shadowing his eyes. He let his hand fall away from Eiji's back, bracing himself on the futon.]
I felt it, you know. When you bled out.
[He took an uneasy breath, not quite looking at Eiji anymore.]
Every drop. The tree soaked it up so I... I couldn't stop it. It just took and took. I was everywhere so that's all I could feel. Just you slowly dying all around me and I couldn't... I could feel how cold you were getting because it was...
[Giving him part of the life it was stealing from Eiji. So was he the one killing him?]
I was taking it. From you. It was disgusting and I couldn't stop it.
[It was true, Eiji had never watched a death of close friend so intimately. He'd watched a puppy fade and die before its time, but that was years ago, back when the idea of death truly solidified itself in his mind as a concept. He'd seen the gradual process of wasting away of familiar faces at the hospital, or sometimes the suddenness of an empty bed. The solemnness that accompanied a lost patient.
But on that first night, at the bottom of the ravine, when he first looked over and saw Emi's unmoving body... It felt like getting hit by a truck all over again. Desperation, pleading, guilt, anger - overwhelming even thoughts about his own safety. The pain was so wrenching, he knew he never wanted to feel it again. He couldn't let Emi die. That was why...
Eiji pulled his face away, again bundled in his little ball of thoughts. Was all pain equal? Could he really claim that he didn't want to cause Emi harm while still pursuing a path that knowingly hurt him? There were a thousand ways Eiji could justify his actions for the greater good, but none of them erased the fact that they continued to traumatize Emi.
And besides, the other boy had a point - in most instances, resetting didn't have to be a first resort, even if it was the most straightforward one. It was still a bad idea to die in front of strangers, and immortality posed its own unique risks. If anything, Eiji's priority should've been to avoid situations where dying was needed to start with. Simply having a tool didn't mean he had to use it.
After a long, ruminating pause - most of it spent in angry-looking silence - Eiji finally relaxed his posture and let his legs stretch across the floor. His hands, now resting in his lap, were still anxiously entwined together, but at least he seemed calmer. When he spoke, it was in a low murmur.]
[With a sigh, Emi let his head droop back down on Eiji's shoulder after the other boy relaxed a bit. Now he just felt emotionally exhausted on top of the physical exhaustion. He couldn't say that sharing that anecdote made him feel any better, but it... didn't make him feel worse either.]
S'not like you knew...
... I'm sorry I keep worrying you.
[He let his eyes shut, intending for just a moment.]
[It was everything else's, the world's. Society for casting them down as subhuman despite having done nothing wrong, driving them to desperation and turning a blind eye. Emi would've never been an outcast, and Eiji wouldn't have to be forced to constantly look over his shoulder, living in what would always feel like a fragile, ephemeral peace.
Eiji muttered under his breath, though out of care rather than spite,] Worry a little more about yourself, sometime.
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Remember, anything that happened to him at Koriko was Eiji's fault. Emi stayed for him, he was the only reason the blond was even in a position to get hurt so badly. He caused the loneliness that made Emi so attractive to the tsubaki spirit. His attachment to Emi made him a target for his shadow.
He was the reason Emi went to prison. He was the reason Emi's bike got crashed into a ravine. He was the reason Emi got wailed on by thugs with a baseball bat.
All of it added up to what felt like an undeniable truth. No amount of rationalizing could make it go away.
Eiji drew his knees towards his chest and folded his arms across them, kneading his fingers in restless anxiety. Voice dull, he stared at the floor and muttered the obvious:]
There's soup.
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Thanks...
[He didn't do anything about it quite yet, watching Eiji for a moment from under heavy eyelids. (When would they stop feeling so heavy? He was already sick of being so tired.) While he was undeniably glad to see the demi-human at his side, he didn't like the way he was drawing in to himself. That wasn't new of course, but there was something. More.
Well. He could understand. Reverse the scenario and he would have been beside himself.
The only thing to do then was to get better faster and appreciate what Eiji had been doing for him. Forcing himself to be a bit more awake, the blonde slowly but surely eased himself up into a sitting position, wincing only the tiniest bit as he did so.]
It smells good.
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[Eiji made no effort to move, keeping his eyes fixed on a whole lot of nothing. As usual, he had the spaced out look that always took over when too many things were going through his head at once. At least he wasn't so lost in thought that he completely stopped responding.]
I added some radish this time.
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But he paused in reaching for the bowl, carefully swiveling his head to look at Eiji again with something close to an awed expression.]
... You've been making them?
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But Eiji didn't want to hear any trite compliments for his middling skills. Objectively, he knew they were mediocre, despite his attempts at improving. He just wanted to be realistic.]
They're not the best, but I think I'm getting better.
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He greatly preferred the times he was There.
Emi took great care in picking up the bowl of soup, cradling the warmth in his hands. Eiji had taken the time to make this specifically for him. All the other ones too, he reminded himself as he bit his lip. That was. He was touched, and he felt warmer than he had in days.
He took a careful sip, the pink rising to his cheeks clearly just a side effect from the warming brew.]
Mm... oh.
The broth is pretty good in this one.
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I think the flavour got better once I started using a mix of leftover pork scraps, tendon and bone. I don't think that medically, drinking pork bone soup gives any greater benefit than any other kind of broth. There's certainly a widespread belief that ingesting nutrients directly from the bone will help immunize and strengthen your own body, but it doesn't have backing with actual science. It could largely be a placebo effect - though placebos on their own can actually be quite effective. Still, it should help reduce inflammation a little, and it's easy to digest - not to mention cheap to make.
[It was easier for Eiji to rattle off facts about soup than it was to actually confront what he was feeling. At least it kept him talking.]
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He smiled a bit around the bowl, sounding amused.]
ohh, now I know. [Sip.] The ginger's real nice this time too.
[In case he wanted to ramble on about the health benefits of ginger. Emi would prefer that to letting himself start to think about how Eiji had yet to look at him this whole time.
He paused.]
... Or. No, it's... not ginger?
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[He trailed off as the slow realization set in. Ah... It hadn't been a present for anything he had done during the chaos - it was something his shadow did. And now this was supposed to be helping Emi, huh.
What a joke. And to think, this was the best he could do for his only friend. Eiji went quiet again, mulling on the irony.]
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He was weighing the other boy down. This was weighing him down. All of this- the injuries, the stupid flower petals, all this sleep he couldn't escape yet. All because he'd been, what? Distracted? Led on? Fuck, he didn't know.
Even if he suddenly wasn't feeling that hungry, Emi made himself finish off the bowl before he set it aside, eyeing Eiji's side.]
... Thanks, Eiji. It means a lot.
I'm glad you're here.
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[Eiji suddenly sounded very small, and very tired. He was unconvinced - logically there was no way anyone would be happy with a friendship like this - and yet the idea of hearing a truthful answer still made him nervous.
Guiltily, he let himself peer back over at the battered blond from the corner of his eyes - as though trying to look at him from his periphery would somehow shield his vision from the worst of the bruising. But even that only lasted a moment before he squeezed his eyes shut again.]
You can't possibly be happy like this...
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[Like he couldn't lie, this actually sucked a lot. But he knew that wasn't what Eiji was actually getting at. It went past this. Emi frowned a little, looking down at his lap. There were no hands to hold, but he reached out to gingerly hook his fingers into the hem of Eiji's shirt both for want of contact and not wanting Eiji to move any farther away than he already had emotionally.]
But I am happy being here with you. You're my best friend, why wouldn't I be? Even with stuff like this, you're... I don't think anyone else would have been able to find me.
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[There it was. The thing that was obviously gnawing on his mind for the past several days. Eiji sighed, a little annoyed at himself for fixating on something that he fundamentally could no longer change - at least, not without doing more damage.
Emi didn't hate him. He should've hated him, and in all honestly it would've been kinder to the blond if he did. At least then he could move on and make a better life for himself, make better friends.
If only he had any sense in that head of his.
When Eiji said he wanted to be friends again, he hadn't wanted this. To be weighed down with more guilt than before. To see Emi tortured within an inch of his life.]
...I keep hurting you, Emi. [That was an immutable fact.]
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[The response was hard and instant, Emi's fingers curling tightly on the other boy's shirt.
So that's what it was. Of course that's what it was. If he'd been a bit more conscious maybe he would have been able to nip this sooner but--]
This wasn't you, Eiji. I made mistakes. [He had liked what he heard and was an idiot.] Shit happened. [Shit always happened.]
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[Because if there wasn't a cause, then that meant he really was helpless to do anything about it - and Eiji simply couldn't accept that. There had to be something he could do, something tangible and practical and within his grasp. If he didn't have that as a possibility, then what good was he?
Eiji's hands bunched up into fists, tightly clutching the sleeves of his uniform.]
I have to be able to do something about it, Emi. If anything happened to you, I'd...
[The words caught in his throat, but it was clear what he felt. Eiji would be devastated.]
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The blonde leaned over, letting go of his shirt to carefully resting his hand on Eiji's back, pressing his forehead against his shoulder. He swallowed, whispering back:]
... I know.
[He understood that helplessness all too well, being the normal guy that he was. Knowing that the only thing he had was to be there for Eiji, and yet this was all he gave him... It was frustrating and he hated that he was just doing the same thing to him.]
You came for me. That's... that's a lot, Eiji.
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[Honestly, that was harsh, but it wasn't undeserved. It was true that the demi-human had a track record for leaving Emi behind, but...
No. This had to stop. The other boy had done too much for him to deserve simply resigning himself to die. The demi-human sucked in a sharp breath, raised his head with a look of both worry and resolve in his eyes and forced his gaze onto Emi. His words were firm, insistent - reminiscent of the tone he reserved for telling people they were wrong.]
Don't be so stupid next time. You can't keep just... accepting that's okay. You're worth more than that. To me.
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[He trusted that Eiji would have been safe. Because seeing a trap and going at it anyway was Emi's deal. His very stupid deal, because that's what he was, and he couldn't refute that.
But he raised his eyes to sternly meet Eiji's, ignoring the swell in his chest that accompanied his words, speaking back with just as much certainty.]
Then you need to stop dying for my sake.
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That's called an 'acceptable level of risk'. It's different. I know what I'm doing, Emi.
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What do you think I think anything I do is? It's not different at all.
[The blonde swallowed painfully, hoping against hope that his point would get across.]
I can't stand the thought of you doing something like that for me. I hate being useless enough that you have to.
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It's not even remotely similar! You can't just discount completely different physical circumstances! Even if the Witch had the power to revive people, you could still get crippled for life. If there's an advantage to be gained by dying, then I'm the only one that can do it without consequence. Nothing that happens to me is permanent, anyway.
I can't possibly agree to take that off the table when we might need it.
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[It was the bite back of someone that knew that there were advantages to it. It was obviously a factor that could be useful. He could shut up when it was the only thing they had left but he couldn't just let it happen because it seemed like a good idea.
He probably had no idea what it felt like, to watch the life fade from his eyes. To see the one thing that mattered most just. Crumble. Over and over.
To feel it happening.
Emi pressed his lips together in a thin line as his expression grew distant, guilt shadowing his eyes. He let his hand fall away from Eiji's back, bracing himself on the futon.]
I felt it, you know. When you bled out.
[He took an uneasy breath, not quite looking at Eiji anymore.]
Every drop. The tree soaked it up so I... I couldn't stop it. It just took and took. I was everywhere so that's all I could feel. Just you slowly dying all around me and I couldn't... I could feel how cold you were getting because it was...
[Giving him part of the life it was stealing from Eiji. So was he the one killing him?]
I was taking it. From you. It was disgusting and I couldn't stop it.
Feeling you ebbing away, drop by drop. It hurt.
It hurt, Eiji.
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But on that first night, at the bottom of the ravine, when he first looked over and saw Emi's unmoving body... It felt like getting hit by a truck all over again. Desperation, pleading, guilt, anger - overwhelming even thoughts about his own safety. The pain was so wrenching, he knew he never wanted to feel it again. He couldn't let Emi die. That was why...
Eiji pulled his face away, again bundled in his little ball of thoughts. Was all pain equal? Could he really claim that he didn't want to cause Emi harm while still pursuing a path that knowingly hurt him? There were a thousand ways Eiji could justify his actions for the greater good, but none of them erased the fact that they continued to traumatize Emi.
And besides, the other boy had a point - in most instances, resetting didn't have to be a first resort, even if it was the most straightforward one. It was still a bad idea to die in front of strangers, and immortality posed its own unique risks. If anything, Eiji's priority should've been to avoid situations where dying was needed to start with. Simply having a tool didn't mean he had to use it.
After a long, ruminating pause - most of it spent in angry-looking silence - Eiji finally relaxed his posture and let his legs stretch across the floor. His hands, now resting in his lap, were still anxiously entwined together, but at least he seemed calmer. When he spoke, it was in a low murmur.]
...Fine.
You're... you shouldn't have had to feel that.
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S'not like you knew...
... I'm sorry I keep worrying you.
[He let his eyes shut, intending for just a moment.]
I just worry about you too.
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[It was everything else's, the world's. Society for casting them down as subhuman despite having done nothing wrong, driving them to desperation and turning a blind eye. Emi would've never been an outcast, and Eiji wouldn't have to be forced to constantly look over his shoulder, living in what would always feel like a fragile, ephemeral peace.
Eiji muttered under his breath, though out of care rather than spite,] Worry a little more about yourself, sometime.
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